Here is Steve, looking very very nice.

That's Def Leppard standing with him there.

I didn't transcribe that show because I was having a devil of a time trying to figure out who was who and they were all talking at once. It is available as a podcast. That was a great show.

As for yesterday's broadcast, um, well, there was a very funny song but it was of questionable taste ("Really? No!") Yes. Even more than usual, so I dunno 'bout that one. People might think he was serious or something!

October 25, 2006 Sausages

The Sausage Queen
(you know I had to "sling" that one in there)

Steve: You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox. Gonna play a bit more reggae. (he’s tuning his guitar) Need some sausages.

Mr. Shovel: Is that slang for something?

Steve: No. Just want some meat with some skin over it.

Mr. Shovel: (laughing) Is that slang for something?

Steve: No, it’s just proper sausages. All sausages. Pork. Swine. With some HP sauce. That would be lovely. (he’s still tuning away) Sausages. Sausage. I’m gonna go to the hypnotist and make him hypnotize me to make me eat sausages. He’s gonna say, “Okay, you’re going down the elevator…the elevator’s going down. 10…9…8…7…deeper…5…4…3…2…1…(reverb) you are feeling light…you are out (snaps fingers). You will eat sausages. Pork sausages, chicken sausages, all kinds of sausages. One’s from England, one’s from Germany…German sausage are good, too…English sausage…maybe some sausages from Lichtenstein, I believe they’re good with the foreskins on the sausages. I’m going to count to 5 and you will be coming up. 5…4...3…2…1…as soon as I click my fingers, you will be wide awake and you will be glad to be alive and you will be happy. You will go straight to the butchers and get a dozen sausages. You will devour them and you will have your energy back. 5,4,3,2,1 (click). Let’s play some more reggae.

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Steve: You’ve been listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox. I am proud to announce that I’m gonna knock it on the head right now and go home and catch up on my Z’s. Get my beauty sleep and think of sausages as big puffy clouds as I’m sleeping. Big sausages flying by. Flying towards my mouth…(laughs as he realizes how that sounds)

Mr. Shovel: After you go to the hypnotist, I’m dying to know what you’re therapist has to say about it.

Steve: Yeaaahh. Sausages. Italian sausages, English, German sausages. Sausages, big fat ones with mystery meat and skin on ‘em. Yeaaahh sausages…

October 23, 2006 Faces

Steve: Why do blokes get facelifts? Why do dudes get facelifts? It is the most ridiculous thing. I was in this restaurant yesterday and you know, I like to look at people. There was this bloke with his missus, it looked like, and he’s obviously just had a facelift, this guy, a fresh one.

Mr. Shovel: How could you tell?

Steve: How could you tell? It’s like a bad wig. You can tell. Everyone knows…

Mr. Shovel: How could you tell it was fresh?

Steve: Because it looked like…it looked so uncomfortable on the guy’s face, you know? And he’d run into a couple of people that he hadn’t seen in a while, probably prior to the facelift and he’s talking to them and they’re talking to him and I could see the uncomfortableness between both parties. Like I said, it’s like a bad wig. You’re talking to someone and you can see this thing above his head. Everyone knows, but no one says anything. (laughs) And as the poor guy was leaving, I saw him look back to see if anyone was looking at him. So it’s obviously a new one. He ain’t used to it himself, yet. I’m sure there’s parts of him thinking, “What have I done?” Cos blokes shouldn’t be doing it. The worst of all, the biggest macho man of all is Burt Reynolds. Have you seen what his looks like? I think – and I like Burt Reynolds – but it’s like he’s gone overboard. I mean, if he has it pulled back any more, his ears’ll be touching. It ridiculous. It ain’t a man thing to do. Rule Number One.

Mr. Shovel: But it’s okay for women?

Steve: Well, birds do it…birds are gonna do what they’re gonna do. It actually…I’m not a big fan of it, birds pull it off better than guys because their skin’s different. Guys ain’t meant to have like, doll-faces.

Mr. Shovel: What are they meant to have?

Steve: Dudes are meant to look like dudes…rugged looking, you know?

Mr. Shovel: Okay.

Steve: The day I…I still think Keith Richards looks good, even though he looks like haggard and knackered. It’s him. He’s comfortable with himself. There’s something not right with someone…it’s this town, as well, it makes you do things like that. You get caught up in it. I don’t see farmers in the Midwest getting facelifts when they’re like, fifty.

Mr. Shovel: That’s true.

Steve: It’s out of order.

Mr. Shovel: But then again, there’s not a lot of competition out there.

Steve: Yep. It’s just a different way. Even two hours outside of L.A. it’s different. Anyway. The thing is: blokes, mates, geezers, ice creams, when you get a facelift, everybody knows. It’s just like a bad wig. Everybody knows. And they’re laughing at you when you walk by.

Mr. Shovel: Funny little boat race.

Steve: Yeah. Funny little boat race…(briefly launches into a modified version of “All The Young Dudes”) Oh well. What can you do. Although I have had some surgery. I had a knob reduction once. Did I tell you that?

Mr. Shovel: No, I didn’t realize you had a problem.

Steve: No, it wasn’t a problem. Girls couldn’t take it, that’s all. I had to have a reduction.

Mr. Shovel: Maybe they took a little too much off…?

Steve: No, no, no. Actually, I could cut a little bit more off. I might go back. Maybe I’ll run into Burt Reynolds, give him a little bit for the back of his head.

October 19, 2006 Goats, Hippie Shakes And Some Theology (not necessarily in that order)

Steve: You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox (starts fiddling about on the guitar playing Fleetwood Mac’s “Oh Well”). Trying to figure that out. Know that song? Fleetwood Mac. Lot of twiddly bits. (keeps playing, messes up the lyrics). Something like that. It’s Friday, Jesus Christ, where you been, Shovel? It’s ten after twelve bells. What the hell’s going on? Where was ya?

Mr. Shovel: I guess I was running around looking for you.

Steve: Jesus…yeah I know. I was a bit late. I was waiting for this shake that this guy makes me. Not an Arab bloke (sheik), a shake, like he makes me a shake in the morning and it was a bit slow today. They’re very slow in this place that I go, cos they’re like, hippies and they like, stare a lot. When you ask them something it takes...you have to slow down. In the morning I’m at a pace. I’m here, I’m there, I’m everywhere before I come in here and these guys are...staring at walls. You know they’re on this zen. It’s a real pain in the ass, actually. I wish they’d pull their socks up a bit. You know…okay, it’s all great to be all zen and that, but just do it at a kind of quicker pace, you know? Anyway, it’s Friday, twelve bells, ten after twelve bells. It’s another gorgeous day. Can’t be happier with the weather. Let me pray for a second:

Oh thank you, Lord for you have blessed thee with the eighty-degrees weatherie. Such a kind man, up there, the bloke who looks like Father Christmas in the clouds, thank you for answering my prayers, Lord. Please continue it, at least for a few more days. Maybe ‘til Thanksgiving, and I can give you proper thanks. Oh, Big Geezer up there in the sky, you’re the Real Ice Cream. I’m just a mortal. I’m just a morsel of your Man-Being. Mr. Man Law, up there in the clouds.

Okay, thank you. That’s my moment of silence to the Chosen One. No, he ain’t the cho…He chooses the people, dun’he? The Big Bloke…

Mr. Shovel: Yeah, he’s just The One.

Steve: He’s just the Number Uno and He chooses people, like he chose me as one.

Mr. Shovel: I’m saying, “He” for lack of better word.

Steve: What, you’re worried about offending birds?

Mr. Shovel: You know, you know…

Steve: Listen, it’s a matter of…it’s a fact, it stands to reason. God ain’t a bird.

Mr. Shovel: How’d he get to be God, anyway?

Steve: He was the first one here wasn’t he? Creator. It a fact, though. It ain’t a bird, that’s for sure. It’s a bloke.

Mr. Shovel: Why do you know that?

Steve: Cos he has a knob, that’s why.

Mr. Shovel: (cracks up laughing) I haven’t seen those pictures.

Steve: Let’s play some rock and roll baby, I wanna go in with The Who. This song’s called, “The Relay”. Take it away, darling.

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Steve: Let’s play the Rolling Stones from an album, “Goat’s Head Soup”. Is that actually a soup or is that just a made-up Rolling Stones title? Do they actually have goat’s heads…I know they have shark fin soup. Sounds like a Chinese thing.

Mr. Shovel: I’ll have to Google it.

Steve: They like monkeys and, they like eating monkeys out there and sharks…I wouldn’t be surprised it there’s a few goats in there. Can you get back to me on that one?

*** ***

(after the set of songs has finished)

Steve: We’ve been on the internet, we’ve informed the FBI and CIA and all other agencies, referring to…unknown entities and they both come up with different stories. One says it’s a Mexican soup, one says it’s a Jamaican soup, an aphrodisiac to make your knob hard, I think…

Mr. Shovel: also Indian. But they be called “Goat’s Head Soup” in those languages, so you don’t find on Google, “Goat’s Head Soup”.

Steve: Well, where are goats really common? In Caribbean places, right? They had a few goats in Hawaii, I know that. I mean, you don’t have a goat down…oh actually, there is goats. I actually there’s a goat at the top of Runyon Canyon (located in the Hollywood Hills). There’s a couple of ‘em, so I’m talking out of me…thingamajig there, ain’t I?

Mr. Shovel: You think that’s where they’re born? They’re native to Runyon Canyon?

Steve: Well they’re actor-goats, them ones up there. They’re just waiting for a gig, like all other actors. (Shovel laughs at this) What’s so funny? Animals wait for gigs just like humans, like elephants and stuff.

Mr. Shovel: Movie goats?

Steve: Yeah. They need extras, you know. When you want to get like, a farm setting, you know, they don’t put people in bleedin’ goat’s outfits, they put real goats there. I wonder if they have SAG cards, goats?

Mr. Shovel: Screen Actor Goats...?

Steve: They got no problem with the catering truck, you know. They just eat anything. They don’t need to be fed, you know. Just put ‘em in nails, screwdrivers, eat anything. I like goats.

Mr. Shovel: Chewing up the scenery.

Steve: Got funny eyeballs, though. Look strange, like demonic eyes. You ever looked at their eyes?

Mr. Shovel: Not very closely.

Steve: Very strange creatures. They should be removed from the planet, actually. Them dodgy eyes…I want all goats removed. Just keep the actor ones. You need them, just for good measure. They are the vacuums of the planet, you know.

Mr. Shovel: Lawn mowers.

Steve: They are. Human lawn mowers. (plays a few bars on guitar) I’ve never had goat’s head soup. Maybe I should go up to the top of Runyon Canyon and ask one of them if I can borrow one of their heads for like…maybe if I just dip his head in the soup.

Mr. Shovel: They’d just tell you, talk to their agent.

Steve: No, I won’t kill him, I’ll just put his head in the broth for like, an hour. Let him up for air every now and again. I guess that might get the same effect, right?
Comin’ to gitcha, Goaty. What’s a goat’s name? Is there like a…you know, like, you’ve got Mickey Mouse, Zippy the Elephant, is there like, one for goats?

Mr. Shovel: Billy!

Steve: Billy Goat. There you go. Billy the Goat. Billy No-Mates. And now I present to thee (the whistle fanfare begins) A live band, Man Law for one night only. A donkey on drums, a goat on bass guitar and a leopard on lead vocals. Man Law. You must see it to believe it. (laughs) Whoo. I haven’t had a good laugh in ages, you know that? Have you noticed?

temporary post

Alright, there was a discussion about goats that took place on Friday and I'll get to work on that. In the meantime, perhaps this will amuse you. Yes, I had this on a record album when I was but a youth. The version on the album has a bit different ending and is shorter, I believe.
This has been very well transcribed by someone else (http://www.textfiles.com/media/SCRIPTS/german) from German, but it's as they say, "spot on", despite the lack of colons after each character's name as they speak. I'll sure you'll manage with it.

Happy Valley sketch, Monty Python 1972


Storyteller (John Cleese) Once upon a time, long, long ago, there lay in a
valley far, far away in the mountains the most contented kingdom
the world has ever known. It was called Happy Valley, and it was
ruled over by a wise old king called Otto. And all his subjects
flourished and were happy, and there were no discontents or
grumblers, because wise King Otto had had them all put to death,
along with the trade union leaders, many years before. And all
the happy folk of Happy Valley sang and danced all day long, and
anyone who was for any reason miserable or unhappy or who had any
difficult personal problem was prosecuted under the Happiness
Act.

Prosecution (Michael Palin) Caspar Schlitz, I put it to you that you were, on
February 5th this year, very depressed with malice aforethought,
and did moan quietly, contrary to the Cheerful Noises Act.

Schlitz (Terry Gilliam) I did.

Defence (Eric Idle) May I just explain, m'lud, that the reason for my
client's behaviour was that his wife had just died that morning.
[All except the accused laugh uproariously.]

Judge (Graham) Members of the jury, have you reached your verdict?

Foreman Guilty. [All laugh again.]

Judge [donning red nose] I hereby sentence you to be hanged by the neck until you cheer up. [All laugh.]

Storyteller And while the good folk of Happy Valley tenaciously
frolicked away, their wise old king, who was a merry old thing,
played strange songs on his Hammond organ all day long, up in his
castle where he lived with his gracious Queen Syllabub, and their
lovely daughter Princess Mitzi Gaynor, who had fabulous tits and
an enchanting smile and a fine wit, and wooden teeth which she'd
bought in a chemist's in Augsburg, despite the fire risk. She
treasured these teeth, which were made of the finest pine and she
varnished them after every meal. And next to her teeth, her
dearest love was her pet rabbit Herman. She would take Herman
for long walks, and pet and fuss over him all day. And she would
visit the royal kitchens and steal him tasty tit-bits which he
never ate, because, sadly, he was dead, and no one had the heart
to tell her because she was so sweet and innocent and new nothing
of death or gastro-enteritis, or even plastic hip joints.

One day when she was romping with Herman, she suddenly set eyes
on the most beautiful young man she had ever seen, and fell
deeply in love with him, naturally assuming him to be a prince.
Well, fortunately he was a prince, so she found him in the book,
which her mother made her always carry, [she opens a bird-
spotting book at a page headed "EBERHARD, PRINZ" opposite a
photo of him] and learned his name, and went and introduced
herself, and the subject of marriage. And he fell deeply in
love with her, and in what seemed like the twinkling of an eye,
but was in fact a fortnight, they were in her father's lounge,
asking his permission to marry.

[Otto sits at his organ howling a strange song. He finishes and
Mitzi and the prince applaud politely. He starts another.
Caption "Spaeter am selben Nachmittag" {Later that afternoon}.]

Mitzi (Connie) Daddy.

Otto (Terry J) Yes, daughter.

Mitzi We have something to ask you.

Otto A request!

Eberhard (John) Sir, may I have your daughter's hand in marriage?

Otto Well, I don't know it, but if you hum it I'll soon pick it up.

Eberhard No sir, I really do wish to marry your daughter, sir.

Otto Oh. Are you a prince?

Prince Yes, sir.

Otto Is he in the book?

Mitzi Yes, Daddy.

Otto Do you really love my daughter?

Prince I do.

Otto Well in that case, I must set you a task to prove you worthy of
her hand in marriage.

Eberhard [standing] I accept.

Otto You must climb to the highest part of the castle, first thing
tomorrow morning, armed only with your sword, and jump out of the
window.

[Later: A crowd waits expectantly in the street below the castle.]

Villager (Terry J?) Hey look, there he is!

[The crowd look up, clapping and cheering. Eberhard, up on the
castle tower, waves, wets his finger to test the wind, then
plummets to his death. The crowd laugh and cheer.]

Mitzi Can we get married now, Daddy?

Otto No, I'm afraid not, daughter, he wasn't worthy of you.

Mitzi Oh Daddy! Will he have to go into the ground like all the others?

[Cut to a cemetary where a coffin is being cheerfully lowered
into a grave.]

Mitzi Come on, Herman. [She walks away, dragging Herman.]

Storyteller And so Mitzi and Herman went down to the river bank to see
if they could find another prince. Everyone was fishing that
day, the carpenter and the candlemaker and the blacksmith and the
window-dresser and his friend, and the hangman and all his
apprentices, and the secret policeman, and the narcotics salesman
and his aunty, but not a prince for miles. Until... Mitzi's eyes
suddenly spotted the slightest flash of gold underneath a weeping
willow tree and there, sure enough, was a prince. (Michael Palin)

He was rather thin and spotty with a long nose and bandy legs and
nasty unpolished plywood teeth but, thought Mitzi, a prince is a
prince, and she fell in love with him without another thought.
[She leaps on top of him and engages him passionately.] And
after a time, or a few times anyway, he too fell in love with
her. And very soon they were on their way to ask King Otto's
permission to wed, as this prince didn't read the newspapers any
more than the others did, [they walk past a news stand on which
is written "Die Happy Valley ??? Ein ??? Prinz ??? ??? ???" -
sorry, it's too small and unclear on my recording] decadent,
dim-witted, parasitic little bastards that they were.
[They come across Queen Syllabub romping with a black man.]

Syllabub (Graham Chapman) [getting up hurriedly] What! Oh! Ha ha ha!
Oh, hello, darling.

Mitzi This is my mother the Queen, and, er, this is, er, ...

Syllabub This is my new algebra teacher, Dr Erasmus.

Erasmus Hello there.

Syllabub Don't stare, darling. And who is this?

Mitzi Oh, this is Prince Walter.

Syllabub Oh.

Mitzi We were just going down to Daddy for permission to get married.

Syllabub Ah, well I want to talk to him about that. I'll see you
about the binomial theorem in the wood shed at eight o'clock, Dr.
Erasmus.

Erasmus I'll bring the baby oil, Queen.

Syllabub Yes. Ahem.

Mitzi Does Daddy like Dr Erasmus?

Syllabub I wouldn't mention him, darling. He's a bit funny about darker people.

Mitzi I know nothing of racial prejudice.

Syllabub Good. Well I'll talk to him first.

[Syllabub enters the lounge where Otto is at his organ, howling
one of his songs.]

Syllabub Stop that and listen to me! Now! [She pulls the plug out.]

Otto Plug my organ in.

Syllabub Ha, that's a joke. Now, listen to me.

Otto What! What is it?

Syllabub I've got something important to tell you. Mitzi's coming in a
moment with another prince.

Otto Yeugh. [He begins howling one of his songs.]

Syllabub Look, will you stop that again!

Otto Huh, princes!

Syllabub Well there soon won't be any left, thanks to you. Now just you
make sure you make that task nice and easy, otherwise I'll smash your organ.

Otto Can I play at the wedding?

Syllabub Yes.

Otto All right, all right. I could play that one about "Yum de boo ptang..."

Syllabub The king agrees to see you now.

Mitzi Hallo Daddy!

Otto Come in, child.

Mitzi This is Prince Walter.

Otto Eeeugh! Is he in the book?

Mitzi Yes.

Otto Oh, hello Walter.

Walter (Michael Palin) Prince Walter.

Otto [sarcastically] Oh, so sorry! So you want to marry my daughter, do you?

Walter Perhaps.

Mitzi Oh, say you do, and bring me such joy as I have never tasted
before.

Walter Yeah, all right.

Otto All right. First I must set you a task, so you may prove
yourself worthy of my daughter's hand in marriage.

Walter Why?

Otto Because she's a f[bleep]ing princess, that's why! You must go
tomorrow morning to the highest part of the castle... [Syllabub
hits him.] You must go, um... [Syllabub threatens him again] er,
go down to the shops and get me twenty Rothmans.

Walter What...now?

Otto Tomorrow morning.

Storyteller And so, early next morning, all the happy villagers were
gathered to watch Prince Walter set off on his quest.

[From a dais outside the castle, on which King, Queen and
Princess sit, Prince Walter walks, holding a banknote, past the
villagers down the street to the tobacconist. He emerges holding
a packet of cigarettes aloft triumphantly to cheers from the
crowd. He walks back up the street to the dais, on which Mitzi
is jumping up and down excitedly.]

Walter Here are your fags. [He tosses them to Otto.]

Otto [grudgingly] Thank you, Walter.

Walter Prince Walter!

Syllabub Well done, Prince Walter.

Otto [standing] Loyal subjects, faithful followers, this is indeed a
proud moment for the Queen and myself. For this is the moment
when Princess Mitzi marries Prince Walter. But first, a little
number I've written, entitled "Ya Te Buckety Rum Ting Ftoo".
[Everyone sings "Ya Te Buckety Rum Ting Ftoo" accompanied by
Otto. But then Prince Charming draws up on a horse.]

Charming (Eric Idle) Halt, halt! Halt, I prithee, gentle king.

Syllabub Who are you? What do you want? [to Otto] Belt up!

Charming I am Prince Charming, from the Kingdom of the Golden Lakes,
good Sir King. Page four in the book. And I crave the hand of
your most beautiful daughter, Princess Mitzi.

Walter You're too late.

Charming What?

Walter I've got her, Charming, now buzz off.

Syllabub Now, wait a minute, Mitzi is not betrothed yet.

Walter What? He said, if I went and got him twenty Rothmans I could have her.

Charming Got you twenty Rothmans?

Walter I had to go down to the town.

Charming For Princess Mitzi?

Otto Yes.

Charming For this priceless treasure? For this most perfect of all God's creatures?

Mitzi [to Syllabub] I think I'm falling in love again.

Charming For this finest and most delicate flower in the whole of this
geographical area, I will face in mortal combat that most dreaded of all creatures.

Mitzi, Syllabub & Otto: A dragon?!

Charming And I shall slay it, single-handed, to prove myself worthy of your enchanting daughter, O King.

Otto I accept.

Walter What?

Otto I accept. Tomorrow morning, then.

Walter Where's he going to get a dragon from?

Charming I provide my own.

[Later: The rear of a horse box opens. A dragon, all of 18 inches long,
emerges. Prince Charming fights it matador-style, then draws a
pistol and shoots it. The crowd cheer.]

Otto Loyal subjects, by virtue of Prince Charming's noble deed, I now consent to give him Princess Mitzi's hand in marriage. But first, the B side of my latest single.

Walter I'll be revenged on the lot of you!

[Otto plays and everybody starts singing "Ya Te Buckety...".]

Storyteller Nobody in Happy Valley worried about Prince Walter's
threats, and the joyous day soon arrived for the royal wedding.

[Interior of cathedral. Otto is up in the organ loft.
Everyone sings "Ya Te Buckety, Rum Ting Ftoo, Ni Ni Ni, Yaooo."]

Priest (John) Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join together this man, Prince Charming, and this woman, Princess Mitzi Gaynor, in holy matrimony. If there be anyone who\knoweth just cause or impediment why these two should not be joined
together...

[There is a loud boom. A witch enters, followed by Prince Walter.]

Witch Yes, 'tis I, the wicked witch, Ya ha ha!

Priest: Witch, you commit sacrilege here by your very presence. I command you in the name of the Good Book, to leave this holy place forthwith.

Witch Shut up!

Priest Sorry, sorry.

Witch Now, where's the King? Where's the King? Where's the King?

[The congregation point upwards.]

Otto Oh, me. I'm terribly sorry, I was miles away.

Witch I forbid this marriage to take place.

Chancellor You forbid it?

Witch Who are you?

Chancellor I am the Lord Chancellor, you old hag! How dare you speak thus to our... [The witch casts spells, turning him successively into a lampshade, then a dog, a soda syphon, a rabbit, and back into himself.] Aah!

Witch Now, watch it! Now, Mitzi marry Prince Walter, or I curse the lot of you, and your aunties.

Otto Mitzi marries Prince Charming.

Witch I'm warning you!

Otto Carry on with the ceremony.

Priest Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...

Witch Very well. I hereby change every single person in this cathedral
into chickens! [then as a shocked afterthought, too late] Except me!

[Everyone is turned into chickens.]

Chicken [wearing witch's hat] Oh, bugger.

the end.

October 17, 2006 - Over Birds

Steve: You are listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox on Indie 1031, it is two and a half minutes after twelve bells. It’s warmer and I heard, looking at the Weather Channel that it’s going to be seventy-nine (degrees) tomorrow. So my prayers are being answered. I’ve been praying to the Lord to raise the temperature a bit and the Lordeth provideth. Hopefully, anyway. (starts playing a bright-sounding riff on his guitar) That’s more uplifting chords, innit? It’s like, you know, “the sun’s coming through, everything’s going to be all right”, it’s them kind of chords, wouldn’t you say? Isn’t it funny how you associate some chords to certain things? Have we been told that that’s what is “uplifting”, we’ve been told that or is it something that sounds uplifting? You know what I mean?

Mr. Shovel: Yeah well, the minor chords evoke an emotion…

Steve: Right.

Mr. Shovel: …“negative”, “bummer”.

Steve: Right. (picks up his bright riff again)

Mr. Shovel: Now, try throwing a minor in there.

Steve: There was! This one…(plays it again) here we go…there’s a minor. Don’t you hear it? There’s only one minor, though. (the whole thing still sounds cheerful) Why can’t I get the rhythm down.

Mr. Shovel: Sounds like “Jack and Diane”.

Steve: No, that’s…(plays “Jack and Diane”, sings the first line) I don’t know the rest of it. It’s kind of similar, I guess. This is very dramatic, as well. Am I not hearing myself? What’s going on here. (starts playing riff again, substituting more muted chords) Similar, innit? What else is uplifting? Uplifting…uplifting…uplifting…oh, I know. No, this is kind of down. (experiments some more) That could be a number of songs, that, you know? (sings) Raindrops keep falling on my head…but that doesn’t mean my eyes are too big for my head…

I don’t feel as funky as yesterday, but I still feel funky. I was happy to see the sun this morning. A lot of other people were funky as well you know, yesterday. So I was told from them…either they were just saying to make me feel better, but…I don’t know. There was something weird in the energy yesterday. The air, there was a change of something, a shift of something, I don’t know. It was horrible. (sighs) I’m so bored with crumpet, too. It’s a pain in the ass.

Mr. Shovel: Whose?

Steve: (laughs) Ayyyyy, forgeddaboutit. Just over birds, man. Wish I was gay. So much easier. Blokes know how you think, you know what I mean? (playing a tune as he speaks) Just have an arrangement. Birds think differently, make no sense to me.
(sings)

Birds birds
Bees
Please
No birds

No bees
No bumblebee tuna
For me
I’ve had it with birds

I’ve had it with bees
I’m telling you I’m on my knees
To get rid of the birds
and the bumblebees

What is it with the way
their brain is wired
It’s too complex for me
The way they compute

I can’t handle it
anymore
Too much wondering
what birds are for

The way they think
What they want
They don’t know
So I don’t know
I give up thinking
or trying to figure out
what they want

When you agree with the crumpet
you’re a dead man
you’ve got to stand up
for your nuts
and do what’s right for you

It’s on my terms
when I feel better
the power of minge
is a powerful thing

Oh if I need friends
I’ll get me a doggie
one who is pleased to see me
when I get home
from a hard day of dealing
with crumpet
It makes no sense to me

October 16, 2006 Sadness

Steve: You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox on Indie 1031. Three minutes after twelve…it’s kind of a funny ol’ day. Yesterday was funky, too. Has someone been playing my…oh, they tuned it down didn’t they, the Def Leppard guy. (starts tuning his guitar) I haven’t played it since the Def Leppards were in here. The def leppard colonies…oh, they’re lepers. Oh, they tuned it down a whole step for Joe’s voice. If you don’t know what I’m talking about…it doesn’t matter. All you’ve got to know is I’m tuning the guitar up. Let me explain it to you. When people’s voices…been on the road a long time and the older they get, bands tend to tune down to make it easier on the vocals. You don’t have to hit the high notes and scream as hard so they tune down their guitars for the singer. That’s the whole reason of tuning down. Unless you’re in one of them horrendous bands and they just like the sound of them guitars when they’re like banjos, like rubber bands. I am particularly not fond of that kind of guitar tuning. I prefer the more standard procedure. Almost there. Bear with me, would you? Is that any better? Bloody Leppards. What have they done to my guitar?

Mr. Shovel: See, they have a guy who tunes all their guitars for ‘em.

Steve: I know. Well they’re, you know…I ain’t gonna have some bloke standing here tuning my guitar. I don’t need it. I have perfect pitch. (continues tuning) There you go. (sighs) Yeah, it was funky yesterday, man. I don’t know it was but if…I don’t know if it’s this weather change…a lot of people are funky, I think. I don’t know. Energy. You know when someone’s really angry and they want to punch your lights out but they haven’t actually done it? You can feel the energy coming off ‘em, when that’s gonna happen. You know what I mean? When someone’s like, even if they don’t, they’re not raising their arms to ya, their gonna do it and you can feel it. Do you know what I mean? So there’s a lot in that energy, invisible energy that you don’t see that goes on around you. Like, this morning I was having something to eat and this bloke came in and he was just bugging me, for no apparent reason. His energy, he’s just horrible. I’ve no reason why. Don’t even know the bloke. Do you believe in that, Shovel?

Mr. Shovel: Yeah, but maybe you were just predisposed to be in a bad mood.

Steve: Well but you go into a house that’s kind of haunted…

Mr. Shovel: That I can feel.

Steve: Right, so it’s the same thing. It’s all energy, innit? Invisible energy that you feel, wherever it’s…wonder what it’s like, the energy, when you’re in space? Wonder what that’s like…

~~~ ~~~ ~~~
Sadness, it’s unusual
for me to be this way
Sadness, it’s very common
to be this way

What does it mean
what does it mean
to feel this way
most of the time

Sadness oh sadness, what’s it like
to be the only lonely one
Sadness, you’re my true friend
The one that I’m so fond of

In these lonely times
What do I get
What do I get
What do I get
What do I get

Sadness, why do you love me so
Why can’t I let you go
Tell me what’s it like when you’re
on the other side
Maybe it is easier to take your life

Maybe it’s better
to get somewhere quicker
than where I’m at right now
To be in this place
Oh I don’t want to be in this place, no more

I would like to get out of here
Just for a short while
I’ve had enough of this place

Sadness...

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

After typing this "energy" discussion I remembered something I read, someone had an anecdote from the '70's about Steve's...special intuition. I dug around and found it in John's book, "Rotten". This recollection is from rock photographer Bob Gruen:

Bob Gruen: Once I was in a bar called the Speakeasy with Steve Jones and Johnny Rotten. Steve and I went into the bathroom, into the stall to smoke something. We could hear two people washing their hands and talking. Since this was a rock star bar full of musicians, I assumed the artists at least got along with each other and had a sense of free thought.

But these guys were talking about how angry they were and how much they hated the Sex Pistols because they’d insulted the Queen. I couldn’t believe it. Steve and I were listening to all this anger. I didn’t get it at all. That’s when I felt like a tourist. Musicians angry at a band because they sang a song against the Queen? I guess Steve had a better idea of what was going on. Afterward we went back out into the bar and were drinking beer out of these big, heavy beer mugs.

To me it was still just a bar full of musicians, but Steve was aware of the undercurrent. Johnny Rotten was a couple of feet away from us, talking to somebody. All of a sudden Steve said, “Get down, there’s gonna be a fight.”

Just as we ducked under the edge of the bar, every glass in the place went flying in the air. It was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. From every direction, heavy beer glasses came crashing down on us, smashing against the walls and pillars of the bar. Within seconds the place was ankle deep in broken glass. I asked, “What the fuck was that for?”

Steve answered, “Some people don’t like us.”

October 12, 2006 An Extra Hour

Steve: You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox. Actually, this ain’t gonna work. Got the wrong harmonica. Um, Thursday, three minutes after twelve bells, ‘bout seventy, I mean sixty…it’s getting warmer. It’s getting chilly at nights, though. Nice in the daytime.

When do the clocks go forward? That’s the worst day of the year. It’s like, late October, I think it is? ‘round near Halloween, innit? That’s when they put the clocks backwards or wherever they go? (plays a pretty bit on the guitar) That’s a nice little riff. It’s all mine. It’s all mine, that is. Taken from The Cars, a little bit. That’s just a…I wish I knew what that chord was. That’s an A Major…I think this is an E 7th…

(sings)

Moonlight becomes you
moonlight becomes you
in ze eveningtime when
we put the clocks forwards
and we take two steps backwards
and things are darker earlier around five thirty
it looks so depressing to me

oh darkness
that’s when I wish I was in Lichtenstein
and it’s daylight all day long
oh Lichtenstein
it’s one or the other…

Steve: No, it’s dark all Winter there, right, when it’s Winter? One of them gaffs. Who knows. Um, what’s happening? Def Leppard tomorrow.

Mr. Shovel: Yeah.

It’s October 29th, last Saturday of the month. (when the clocks are changed)

Steve: Is that is? Alright. October 29th, set your watches for that day. It’s when all the burglars come out and people are mugging ya. Got an extra hour of mugging.

Mr. Shovel: That’s going to be a big party night, so you get an extra hour to party.

Steve: (sings)
An extra hour to…

Steve: I don’t hear echo.

(singing again with echo)
…party on October 29th
you can come out with your truncheons
and take money from weaker people than you

You say Oi, stick ‘em up
I’ve got a gun in my pocket
I need some crack
And you’re my only option

Mr. Shovel: You can even wear a mask!

Steve: (sings)
And you can even wear a mask
While you’re taking my money

Extra hour to rob people
Oh oh oh oh

Mr. Shovel: But you’ve got to look out for the fake slutty cops.

Steve: (sings)
But you gotta look out
for the fake slutty cops
what are you talking about Mr. Shovel
What does that mean

Mr. Shovel: It’s Halloween.

Steve: (lightbulb goes on) Oh!

(sings)
It’s Halloween
Everybody dresses up in funny outfits

Steve: (continues playing) Do you remember the one, the cop last year? Guy dressed up as a cop or something, and the (real) cop shot him in the house?

(sings)
Don’t let that happen again
He’ll never wear a police uniform again

Steve: I think he’s dead, isn’t he?

(sings)
I think I’ll dress up as a burglar
I’ll wear a striped sweater
With a bag on my back
that says “swag”

and a beret just like in the old
the old commercials, comics and films
oh oh oh oh…

Chad Fontaine(?): Gonna play some dancin’ music…ambiance. Get your groove on, sucker. Now when I say suck, you suck, sucker. Yeaaaaahhh…

October 11, 2006 - Nerds

Welcome backski to Chriswasanon, the part of the Internet were there is slavery all of the day and all of the night to bring you hot from the transcriptorium, the absolutely best bits of Jonesy’s Jukebox on Indie 103.1.

So England got gubbed 2-0, so did Scotland. Nuff said.

Correctimundo, Google acquired youtube, perhaps they will sling denierbud off now and his lying revionist movies of the Aktion Reinhard(t) camps. Wouldn’t count on it. What price free speech eh, chums? Oh well that’s enough fibbing delusional nazis for the moment. Yep and myspace was undersold too. This is the current news on that breaking story…

“ judge has dismissed MySpace founder Brad Greenspan's claims that the sale price of the social networking site to News Corporation was too low. Greenspan said he will appeal.

Greenspan founded MySpace and is a former chief executive of its parent company Intermix. He filed a suit in February claiming that News Corp's $580m purchase of Intermix did not value the business highly enough, claiming that the company's officers acted out of a desire for personal gain above the interests of the shareholders.

Superior Court judge Carolyn Kuhl dismissed Greenspan's claims, saying that the acquisition was legal and the decision taken by Intermix board members was legitimately taken, according to Fox Interactive, the division of News Corp which looks after MySpace.

"News Corporation and Fox Interactive Media feel vindicated by Judge Kuhl's ruling," said Mike Angus, Fox Interactive Media's general counsel in a statement.

Last week Greenspan published a demand that an investigation be conducted into the sale by the US financial regulator the Securities and Exchange Commission, the United States Department of Justice, and the United States Senate Committee on Finance.

"News Corp's valuation has increased by $12bn since the transaction occurred just one year ago, and there are several independent analysts today that agree that MySpace is worth tens of billions of dollars,” Greenspan said in that statement.”

Your source for that gobbet was

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2006/10/12/greenspan_claims_thrown_out/

If we are going to talk about Nerds, no self-respecting nerd worth his MS-DOS 4 command line is without the register. There is a US. version too. I reads el reg often. But I ain’t about to phish Steve for his credit card number, or anybody elses for that matter. The days of mailbombing and my puppet mastery times in front of other peoples’ computers are over.

“Oh dear, I seem to have deleted all your files.”

I’m joking, chriswasanon is and was not ever, a hacker cracker or a computer knacker.

Mr. Bill of Uber Nerdulike software megaliths Micro Mr Softy stale armpit news.

Did you know that 90% of you who use a pooter have a version of his softs on yore machines?, Of course you did do and the rest of you are Macs, or Linux, or Sun or Banzai Nippon corporation. “Gatesy” as we at CwA never call him, was a classic nerd. It is alleged that he was surrounded by pizza boxes and empty coffee cups and existed in a fug of his own armpit juice. From there to Windows Vista, eh? A bit like Moonwatcher in 2001, one minute smashing the skull of his fellow humanoid, the next waltzing around in outer space. By the way that stuff about Mr. Bill is gossip and in no way verifiable.

Bit quieter here today. Domestic Bliss news. My other and better and vastly superior half is not so well, so that means all animal husbandry and plant feeding duties are in my incapable hands.

That’s enough chriswasanon. Lets see what Mz T. has got for you.

TINA IS AT THE CONTROLS!

Steve: You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox. I have breaking news: (we hear an itty bitty little disturbance emerge from his lower gastrointestinal tract which Mr. Shovel thoughtfully augments with reverb effects) Oh, just got the echo barely on that one.

It’s two minutes after twelve bells on a Wednesday and there’s nothing like starting the show with a bit of breaking news. Oh, man. England I think, has gotten beaten, two-nil…World Cup qualifying game. Is it World Cup, or is it European? Losing two-nil. I think it must be all over, it started at ten…yeah so it’s all over. Jesus. Two-nil. Who did we play, I can’t even remember. I was in such a rush this morning. Terrible. Anyway, um, yeah. What is it? It’s about…sixty-eight degrees today. Hold on. Do we have more breaking news? I think so…(we hear another anemic little popping sound)

Just not so “breaking” as the news I like to have. I like it to be more breaking than that.

Mr. Shovel: That was just a little background information.

Steve: Yeah, that was just a little teaser to what’s in store to come on the rest of the show. (His chair can be heard squeaking in the background) You know, we really need to get this oiled.

Mr. Shovel: We have it like that for Halloween.

Steve: (keeps producing a slow, agonizing squeal from the chair) Bringggg out your dead...ghouls…(to Mr. Shovel) put some echo on that…

Mr. Shovel: (puts some echo on that)

Steve: (((bring out your dead! Undead undead. He’s dead, he’s dead. Eeoowww. Halloween…fiendish…eooowww, no garlic…))) All right. That’s enough of that one. What’re we doing, Shovel?

Mr. Shovel: (laughs)

Steve: What am I doing.

What about them guys, the YouTube guys. Did you hear what happened to them?

Mr. Shovel: No.

Steve: They just made a load of money.

Mr. Shovel: Yeah.

Steve: Did you know that?

Mr. Shovel: Um hmm.

Steve: How old are they? Twenty-eight? Thirty, round there? A little Asian bloke and another mate, two nerds – again.

Mr. Shovel: Um hmm.

Steve: The nerds are going to inherit the earth, I think. The geeks and nerds. Forget the cockroaches.

Mr. Shovel: They earned it. Their kids are going to inherit it.

Steve: Forget the cockroaches. Nerds are where it’s at. But it’s all on paper, apparently. One billion…

Mr. Shovel: It’s in stock. In Google stock.

Steve: One point six billion dollars. Two little nerds. The usual scenario. In their garage, using people’s credit cards to get it going. And what’s amazing is that it’s again, nothing they’ve come up with, they’re just providing something.

Mr. Shovel: A server.

Steve: Yeah. Incredible. I’m happy for ‘em. I’m happy for all them people who do something like that. I just wish I had the brains and the technical know-how to do things like that. I’ll never do that because I’m not a computer person. But I’m happy for people who do it. Where do they live? I want to be their friends. I want to surround myself with nerds.

Mr. Shovel: You have to get some before they’re rich, though. Otherwise…

Steve: They’ll know.

Mr. Shovel: …it’s hard to get in…

Steve: They’ll know I’m after their money…
I actually do like nerds. I find them more interesting than people who try to be cool. They always seem straightforward, nerds. You know what I mean? They’re not, they don’t play games.

Mr. Shovel: And you have no idea what’s happening in their basement.

Steve: That’s the point. Maybe I should start a patrol, a nerd patrol…basement and garages and just take credit cards to ‘em saying, “Do you need my credit card? What’re you doing, are you doing something? Here’s me credit card.”

Mr. Shovel: Oh, there’s guys like that, too. They’ll take your credit card.

Steve: Maybe I’ll do that. You have to have a Nerd Certificate, otherwise I’m not giving it to you. (inhales deeply) Ohhhh. One point six billion dollars, YouTube. MySpace. I think I heard MySpace have got the ‘ump and they’re suing Murdoch cos they sold MySpace too cheaply, like six hundred million dollars.

Mr. Shovel: They got the ‘ump.

Steve: They’ve go the ‘ump. Cos now, because of these other two little nerds got one point six, the Myspace nerds think that they sold themselves too cheaply and I think they’re suing. So what does that mean if it’s in stock, that means they can sell that stock though, right?

Mr. Shovel: Yeah, I’m not sure when, though.

Steve: Yeah?

Mr. Shovel: Not sure how long?

Steve: So there’s still a chance to be their pals then, before they actually make money.

Mr. Shovel: Yeah, but you know…it’s like making friends with a guy who just won the lottery before he cashes in his ticket.

Steve: Right, right, right.

Mr. Shovel: I think he’s probably busy. Too busy for you.

Steve: Um, where are they from, these cats?

Mr. Shovel: I don’t know.

Steve: Are they from…ah…Nerdomi? Is that near Ojai?

Mr. Shovel: (laughs)

Steve: (plays guitar and sings)

You nerds you will inherit the earth
with your knowledge with computers
and a lot of other things
that have a lot of buttons

Nerds and geeks you will inherit the earth
with your know-how
With your gigabytes and memory banks
you are the New Age for making lolly
Lots of lovely lolly

Oh nerds you are full of information yeah
where do you come from
Why do you all wear glasses
Is it because you’re looking at computer screens
all day long

Oh oh geeks versus the nerds
Who would win if they fought each other
or does it mean the same thing
Nerds geeks and nerds and
geeks and nerds

Why do you have your trousers so high
almost touching your nipples
and your buttons done up to the top
and pencils everywhere
Everywhere there’s a pencil and pens

Geeks and nerds
Pens and pencils
and trousers pulled up to your chests
and shoes oh

Or am I just talking about
the stereotypical nerds like the ones
in the silly movies
I wish I had your knowledge of computers

Yes yes yes yes yes.

October 9, 2006 - Fighters, Kidney Stones, Aliens, Australopithecusses....

Steve: You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox on Indie 1031. Three minutes after twelve bells on a cool day. It definitely feels like the heat has left the atmosphere in Southern California. Although, on Saturday I went to San Francisco. They had an air show (Fleet Week) there. They had all the military there and all the Blue Angels were there and millions of people, and it was warm up there.

I didn’t see the Blue Angels cos I don’t know when, what time…I went and had a nap around 3:00 but I could hear some (makes sound of jet) from the hotel room every now and again so maybe that was them.

But I did see this one plane come off a aircraft carrier (USS Nimitz) it was like something from outer space, it was so awesome. It was one of them kind of, like stealthy-looking planes (USAF F-22a Raptor?*) but it was like a newer one, it was like, made up of panels. It was out of this world and it was so loud and scary, but awesome at the same time, you know?

Just the technology. I’ve no idea cos I hadn’t, I’ve never been around…you only see it on the news, you know? Planes, bombing places. But to actually be right near one. And then he went right up in the air til he just disappeared, you know. He was like taking it for a spin. It was unbelievable. I can only imagine how scary it must be if you’re somewhere where you’re being bombed, you know what I mean? These planes just coming in and they’re so powerful and scary. And just to release bombs on the area, it must be just terrifying.

Oh, the power. Stand Ready. Stand Ready. Get ready to fight and rock and roll.














(* The USAF F-22a Raptor is stealthiest-looking. More so than the Navy's F16 Hornets that did take off from the carrier; on the other hand Raptors are apparently not built for carrier landings and they also belong to a different branch of the service and would not normally be on a Navy carrier. But Raptor did make an appearance at Fleet Week, it did a verrry vertical climb in the demonstration. Hmm. A mystery.)
~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Steve: I was watching a science channel last night and they had a lot of things (about) where Man came from. And I’m thinking, over ten million years we’ve been around, started evolving…if we lasted another ten million years, are we gonna be different people then, too? You know what I mean? So we’re being that chain of change as men?

Mr. Shovel: Yeah, I’d say so.

Steve: So like, you had your Neanderthals, you had your other mob…

Mr. Shovel: Australopithecus.

Steve: …all that lot. And just think in another ten million years or whatever, there’ll probably be…a load more changes in the human. You know, we’ll have…what’re we called now?

Mr. Shovel: Homo Sapiens.

Steve: Is that what we’re called?

Mr. Shovel: Um hmm.

Steve: So, yeah. In about ten million years it’ll probably be another five changes, probably. Bizarre, innit? To think that we’re always evolving. Cos we ain’t staying where we are now, just cos we’re here.

Mr. Shovel: Right.

Steve: You know what I mean, it’s always evolving. Very interesting.

Mr. Shovel: We might end up looking like aliens.

Steve: Yeah. Well, that’s what…who knows? What you mean, like, the big eyes and the no-mouth and the ones that dissect people, you mean like them types?

Mr. Shovel: Yeah. Like, maybe those are us…

Steve: Ahead of us…

Mr. Shovel: …highly evolved and figured out how to travel back in time.

Steve: Well that’s, well that’s what…could be, because you know, when you look at stars…we’re looking at ‘em a million years ahead, right. So that’s easily possible that could happen. (sighs) I know it’s a bit too much for the mind to boggle such magnificence, but it is possible. Only I can comprehend them kind of things, the magnificence of the universe.

There’s only a few who actually can keep up with me. Can you keep up with me Shovel, on that level?

Mr. Shovel: Whaddya mean?

Steve: See, see? Lost you already…gonna visit The Duke and hopefully when we come back I will be evolved five minutes ahead of where I was before I started talking about...mancheefrills.

Mr. Shovel: Your thumbs are getting smaller as we speak.

Steve: My eyes are getting bigger and my mouth is starting to disappear.
And I’m thinking what you’re thinking without you even knowing what I’m thinking…

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Hey Mr. Kidney Stone by Steve Jones

I’m free of the kidney stones
I’m feeling mighty fine
And I know I’m on the mend
There ain’t no where I’d rather be

Thank you, old kidney stones
You have left my system
And I do appreciate ya
Getting out of my nuts

I didn’t need an operation
With my insurance card
Because it woulda took me to the cleaners
And I ain’t got no cleaners to go

I’m ready to go anywhere
Oh lord you saved me from
that magic carpet ride with my nuts
and I don’t have to
the kidney stones have left me

so thank you old kidney stones
you made your own way out
just by drinking a lot of water
and you have left
my nutsack

Some pillaged Bunker pics

What? You came here hoping to relive the kidney stone story! Please don't make me. Hey, look at these pics from the Indie website.

Steve and Mr. Shovel in Jonesy's Bunker during Gossip's visit.

Here they are at Rehearsals.com. This was a pretty cool place. They were sitting on couches all comfy for the interview. The overall ambiance was quite nice, I thought.

You can see part of the interview and some of Band of Horses' live performance from that day at the Rehearsals.com website, good quality it has.

Here is Steve playing with A Band of Horses. Pretty geetar.

October 4, 2006 - Weight

After that last heavy post of mine, it was good to have a break. But Tina is right back atcha with some more of the thoughts of Chairman Steve. I don't, know thinking about putting on weight. I think I had to reach at least forty 40 before I noticed that the Bird's trifles; Pot Noodles, toast toppers, Angel Delight, dream topping and all those other good and slightly odd British convenience foods were having an effect/affect. Twitch!

So I don't know what that is in pounds but I'm 11 and a half stone. On Tina's previous posting, now I understand why Steve don't want to go to Chelsea, I mean London. Can't imagine anything more depressing than trying to score a ten bag or whatever amount the Mother Superior deals in. Hanging out like a cunt, cluckin' your nuts off and wandering in the drizzle around, "the streets of London." Ah forget Ralph Mctell warbling, you want the Anti-Nowhere League's Animal singing that classic. So stick where you are Steve old son and if you would like an open relationship with moi...I shall be scanning the Times personal column.




"I'll show you something that'll make you really sick...."

More of the League here http://www.antinowhereleague.com/

Tomorrow we all go up to Glasgow to the 7555555555th Jordan Hill Glasgow Scout Jumble Sale. It will be a mad scramble for books. What else is there for the book handler but books? Afterwards, the word curry will be involved, definitely.


Tina IS at the controls!


Steve: You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox on Indie 1031. It’s three minutes after twelve bells, seventy-two degrees when I pulled in to the garage and, nice out. Nice and sunny. And here we go. Another two hours of radio monstrosity. I had a good game of football last night, played the whole game…Dad’s Army. And we won five, five-nil, actually. I scored the first goal. Missed a couple of absolute sitters. It was on a really knobbly grass so the ball would bounce a lot so when it’s rolling along and you kick it, sometimes you mis-kick it cos it’s not even. Not making excuses…well I am a little bit, but it was fun. It’s nice to play a whole game. Especially if you’re trying to lose weight. I actually weighed myself this morning. I’m 240, which is good. I’m actually slowly losing. Um, what else is happening…gonna play some more reggae today - with other stuff. I really don’t know what else to talk about. Do you have anything to talk about, Shovel?

Mr. Shovel: Well, you said “240”, right?

Steve: Yeah.

Mr. Shovel: That’s pretty…weren’t you at 260 when you started?

Steve: No, I was 260 this time last year.

Mr. Shovel: You’re doing pretty good.

Steve: Yeah. My fighting weight is 200. That’s my goal. If I can get near there, 210, 200, 205, I’ll be looking and feeling good. But it’s working. The hypnotist, I think, is working. Yes, life is grand. Couldn’t be finer, staying away from diner. You understand. Yes, I think you do. (starts to play a song on guitar)
(sings)

Weight just a moment
I jumped on the scales this morning
And the weight is leaving my membranes
And my ligaments

Weight just a moment the cartilage is better
without the fatty tissue around it
Its better for my knees and my back
and my head and my legs
and my hands and my feet and my
you-know-what oh oh oh oh

I said weight, where you goin?
You fat cells I want you to leave now
I don’t want to be a fatty no more
So tired of wearing clothes that don’t fit me
Oh oh oh oh

I want to look like some bloke in the Gap ads
Where there’s room in his waist
and he looks like he’s got a six-pack
and he’s wearing absolutely nothing
I don’t know what he’s advertising
but it’s got The Gap written all over it oh oh

But right now I have a no-pack
But it’s going to be a 10-pack
Like a packet of cigarettes
That also left me
Almost five years ago oh oh oh

Let me hear ya now (harmonica solo)

When I was twenty I couldn’t put weight on
I would eat everything but never get bigger
Then I turned twenty-five
And my metabolism slowed right down
Like a train pulling in the station
Like a big fat cow I like to graze
In the days when the sun is shining oh oh oh oh

I wish I had the metabolism of Bruce Lee
It looks like he could eat anything
And he would burn it off
Cos he had that fast fahst fast metabolism

He’s a lucky so-and-so
But wait, I guess he’s not cos he’s dead
He had a heart attack
cos he had no fat around his heart
it was vulnerable oh oh oh

Yes fat people all over the world
I feel you yes I do
It’s a hard one to quit
Its hard because you have to eat
Every day to live or you will go oh oh oh oh

Oh dear fatties all over the world
I hear you crying out for help
But you don’t get it cos no one cares
About the fat ones all over the world
We are just worried aboutParis Hilton and her no-brain

October 3, 2006 - Norwegian Wood

Steve: You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox on Indie 1031. It’s two minutes after twelve bells on a nice, nice day. Digging the weather right now. Yesterday was unbelievable. Yesterday evening, I went for a walk, a hike, walk whatever you call it. I guess it’s a hike, but it was on a street.

Mr. Shovel: That’s a walk.

Steve: So, it’s a walk. But it was up a hill, big hill. And I got to the top and…got to Muholland and it was about 6:30 and it was absolutely gorgeous, one of the best sunsets I’ve ever seen and I stopped at this lookout point. Just sat there and it was amazing. The red, and the clouds and the blue, it was just unreal. It was like, it didn’t look real, it was so gorgeous. And I’m sitting there and one car pulls up and this bird gets out and sits down the other end. Then this other car pulls up and this other bird got out with a kind of boyfriend and they’re taking pictures. Really hot bird, this was. Like a kind of dark hair, gorgeous little thing. Young. They were like, twenty.

The boyfriend’s got his arm around her and she’s taking pictures of the sunset. Then this other car pulls up with these two…couple. Really ‘nother hot bird with this bloke. They looked like they were from Norway. They had then silly little shorts on and stuff, that they wear. And the bloke from Norway is like, while his bird’s taking pictures of the thing, he’s looking at the other bird. And the other bird’s bloke is like, looking somewhere else. And all he could think about was getting in this other bird’s pants. And as the first couple went to drive off, this guy’s still looking and the other bird looks back and smiles at him. And the man, the boy from the one couple and the girl from the Swedish…whatever they were, from Holland…are totally oblivious to what’s going on and they were both…I don’t know if the bird was more into it than the bloke, but he was like, just…he’s with this bird but all he could do was want to get in this bird’s pants.

And it made me sick seeing all this. I’m sitting there and this beautiful sunset and minding me own business and this thing comes right in front of ya. You know what I mean? Where it’s deceit and dishonesty. Right there out of the blue. I’m up there, middle of nowhere, minding me own business, not at a club, just you know, where that stuff goes on all the time, but just there, minding me own business. And then they drove off, the two from Holland and then it’s just me. I’m just sitting there and I’m thinking about this and just like, sitting there thinking how messed up…I dunno if it’s “messed up”, but what funny people we are. What a funny species we are, you know? The things we do. And I got all kind of sad, as well. You know what I mean? It was weird.

I had a horrible dream as well, last night. But I was glad when I woke up. I had one of then dreams where you’re like, getting loaded in the dream. Like, I was walking around London, looking for heroin, you know. And I had relapsed and I had got a habit again and I didn’t really know anyone and I’m just walking around London with this horrible feeling, you know. Trying to find some dope. It seemed to go on and on forever, this dream and then I woke and I’m like, “Oh yesss. It was a dream, it didn’t really happen and I felt good about that. Cos it went on and on forever. I started thinking it was, it was really happening, you know? Horrible. But it is a relief when you wake up in your bed and everything’s groovy around you and you’re not…you hadn’t gotten loaded and you still got, I’m still in me house and it was sunny out. That was good. But um…(pause) funny old world, innit? What about you, Shovel? How you doing?

Mr. Shovel: I’m, I’m fine…there’s a lot going on behind those glasses of yours.

Steve: Yeah. Well, there always is. (strums guitar) Is this on? Sounds quiet. No more level? Uh, yeah. So, today, I dunno…the one bird, though was unbelievable. A little dark, Spanish-y looking, good looking bird. I could see why this Norwegian skinny bloke was looking at her. It was so obvious. It was so weird that he was just, blatantly, he’s standing behind his bird while his bird is taking the pictures, and he’s like, just checking this bird out…

Mr. Shovel: It’s like a scene in a movie.

Steve: It was.

Mr. Shovel: Started like a porno, but turned into like a, some kind of…

Steve: Horrible, it was. Made me feel sick, I dunno why.

Mr. Shovel: But I bet it inspired you to write a song!

Steve: Just the way people just, I dunno. That’s probably why I don’t have a girlfriend cos I don’t want to be cheating. The you have to kind of give a load of fanny, where you’ve been. And you know you’ve been…you’re going to hurt someone’s feelings. That’s why I probably don’t bother doing that. I guess it’s cool if you have one of them relationships where it’s open. You know what I mean? Do they work, though?

Mr. Shovel: I’m guessing not for too many people, not for very long.

Steve: Should I sing a song? What should I sing a song about?

Mr. Shovel: Well, if that were a movie, what song would be playing?

Steve: (sings)

You’re the man, I’m the lady

Steve: It sounds horrible in here. We got no echo anymore? (((hello? Yeah.))) What’s wrong with ya?

(sings)

You’re the…

Steve: (stops again) It’s a horrible echo. Did we get a new echo or something? What happened to that first one we had that was really like, dreamy?

Mr. Shovel: That’s it.

Steve: This is it?

(starts again)

Why, do we cheat on each other
Is there some kind of kick that we get
From deceiving your partner oh oh
Is it such a turn-on to have it off
With some other bird

When she’s not looking oh oh
Why can’t we be open with each other
All the time
We must hide our secrets
from the eye

for just five seconds of ormagasmic pleasure
it’s more than you can handle
would it be the same if your old lady was looking
at you having it off with some other bird
you big pussy

Oh you Norwegian piece of dog doo
You had a hot bird there but
That wasn’t enough
You had to look at some other blokes bird
Right in front of his face

It couldn’t be more beautiful
Looking out on Mulholland
Where the sunset was
Red blue and orange colors
With puffy clouds oh oh oh

You had your Norwegian wood now
Getting off
Norwegian woodie
for some other birdie

Truth.

Hello chums and chumesses. I never did find out what happened to Jack's Shack or why Shloemoe the rizen has abandoned this place. I see that Steve after steaming his spotted dick in a Heinz tin has opted for a more "Catholic" approach to his avatar, it is not so much Sacred Heart, as Sacred fart. The 8th Wigtown literary festival is on too and last night we managed to cram 20 people into our kitchen as part of the festivities. There seem to be about 20 people in the shop at the moment as it gos. As soon as it is all over...

Today however I am afraid that I am going to have to bring your attention to other more unpleasant matters. Now you may or may not be aware of this but I have always had a contempt for those that deny the Holocaust, the revionist non school of thinking which seeks by non logic and dodgy scholarship to attempt to deny any and every part of the Holocaust. These people are liars.

Revionists will say otherwise, revisionists will attempt to prove somehow that there were no homicidal gas chambers at Birkenau, that it was impossible to murder up to 800, 000 people at Treblinka, that the disapperance of up to 6 million Jews in the Second World War is somehow related to a typhus epidemic and on and on and on. But underneath all this total and absolute waste of time is this:

"The real purpose of holocaust revisionism is to make
National Socialism an acceptable political alternative again."

Source Nizkor.org

Hitler was a good guy in other words.

Let's go back now to September 28th 1941. We are in Kiev, The German have moved into the buildings, set up their telephones and the like in the spaces recently vacated by the Soviets in their retreat. Retreating Soviet Special forces (NKVD) mine and blow up the Kreschatik, down town Kiev. The German conquerers are angry and looking to blame someone. We are now in another part of Kiev, near the series of defiles known as Babi Yar.

"...A notice printed on cheap grey wrapping-paper, with no heading and no signature, had been stuck on the fence."

"All Yids living in the city of Kiev and it's vicinity are to report by 8'0clock on the morning of Monday September 29th, 1941 at the corner of Melnikovsky and Dokhturov Streets, (near the cemetery). They are to take with them documents, money, valuables, as well as warm clothes, underwear etc.
Any Yid not carrying out this instruction and who is found elsewhere will be shot.
Any civilian entering flats evacuated by Yids and stealing property will be shot."

"I read it over twice and for some reason it made me shudder. It was written so very harshly, with a sort of cold hatred. What's more it was a cold day with a lot of wind and the street was deserted..."

Anatoli Kuznetsov "Babi Yar, a document in the form of a novel." Jonathon Cape 1970 or any Penguin edition.

Kuznetsov arose early the next day to see the Jews of Kiev depart and was almost trapped himself at the entrance to the cemetery. Because the assembly point was close to the railway station, there had been a general impression that the posted order related to evacuation...

When I got home, I found my grandfather standing in the middle of the courtyard, straining to hear some shooting that was going on somewhere. He raised his finger.

"Do you know what?" he said with horror in his voice. "They're not deporting 'em. They're shooting 'em."

Today IS the 65th Anniversary of the massacre of Babi Yar in the Ukrainian city of Kiev. Today German forces, police units and Sonderkommando 4a of Einsatzgruppe C. under the command of SS. Standartenfuhrer Paul Blobel with the help of local anti-semites, shot during September 29th and September 30th over the course of two days, approximately 33,771 Jews. A figure arrived at by their own tally.

"But for your sake we were slain all the day long and accounted as sheep for the slaughter."

The Nazis went on to murder up to 200,000 people in the area during the course of the occupation. These consisted of Gypsies, Jews, Soviet Prisoners of Wars, the mentally ill. Basically anyone considered by Nazi logic, not worthy of life ended up dead in the Yar. When Soviet forces drew close to recapturing Kiev, the Germans employed that special unit called Sonderkommando 1005 also commanded by Blobel to remove every trace of their crimes. In Ukraine, Lithuania, Latvia, White Russia, Crimea...they were on the run. So much for the 1,000 year glorious Reich.

There isn't a lot more to say is there?

Just to cheer you up and end on a humorous note. Consider for a moment, does the moon actually exist?

http://www.revisionism.nl/The-Mad-Revisionist.htm

Thank you.

Peace.

CwA


-very timely. Try telling this to Iran's "president" Ahmadinejad...

P.S. Here's this great quote I've always loved, from "Fiddler On The Roof":

(Talking to God)
Tevye: I know, I know. We are your chosen people. But, once in a while,
can't you choose someone else?


(T)

September 27 - Knackered

Steve: You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox, Indie 1031. Five minutes after twelve bells. (Picks up guitar) Just arranging myself here…
Try my axe: (strums). Yes, in tune…try my harmonica: (blows a few notes) Yes, that works. My voice: (sings a few scales) La la la la la la la. La la la la la la la. La la la la la la la. Yes, that works too. Then look at me phone: Yes, got a couple of bars there. Got a couple of drinks (bottles clink together in background) right there. Ready to go. Just wasted two minutes explaining what’s going on here.

(big sigh) I’m absolutely knackered. I couldn’t be more knackered. Played football last night. Played the whole game, ninety minutes. We beat this team 4-1. I was running around like a lunatic. I had so much fun. Scored a goal, but I woke up this morning…I actually got up early cos I thought I was going to have a meeting with someone early, but it didn’t happen. So I couldn’t go back to bed and now I was just twiddling me thumbs for like, two hours and I have just absolutely zero energy. But I brought some energetic, what you might call, “rock and roll” today. Actually, Rhino have a good box set out right now. It’s all goth stuff, it’s pretty good. Comes in some good…comes in a leather corset, which I got rid of because it’s way too small for me. I don’t even think it would fit, um…what do they call them people who can’t eat? Anorexic. I don’t think it’d even fit one of them, it’s so tiny. Cos it just kind of covers the box set. But maybe it’d fit on a dog, like a greyhound. Probably fit on a greyhound, the corset. If anyone needs a corset for their greyhound, let me know. I have no use to it. (strums guitar) Oh, that sounds nice.
(sings some of “More Than A Feeling”)

I woke up this morning the sun was gone
La la my music and get my day
Dream of a girl I used to know
…eyes and she drift away

Steve: Aw, I wish I knew that bit that joined up with the chorus.

(singing again) More than a feeling…

Steve: No, let me change it:

I am knackered
And I can’t get no sleep right now
I’m so knackered
And I la la la la
I feel I need a nap right now…

Steve: Aw, I can’t even think straight. Got any ideas for songs, Shovel, or see what happens?

Mr. Shovel: You don’t have to do a song.

Steve: I know, but I like to push meself. What have I spoke about? Anything, anything significant?

Mr. Shovel: Just your basic “knackered”…

Steve: Okay, knackered. (starts out on harmonica) I can’t even blow the bleedin’ harmonica. (Struggles with harmonica slopping and snorting, until he stumbles upon an interesting sound) Ay, that sounds like a Rolf Harris thing! (continues)

Mr. Shovel: Didgeridoo.

(it sounds surprisingly like one)

Steve: Yeah.

(Steve starts a song and Mr. Shovel joins in with some Rolf Harris-like percussion)

I’m so knackered at twelve bells
I’m so knackered in ze evening
Why am I so knackered all the time
I need some crackeroon
to pick me up at noo-oo-oon

I’m so knackered all the time
I’m so knackered it’s so not my kind
In the evening
Oh I can’t even think, let me whistle again

(jumps back to the “didgeridoo” and by now Mr. Shovel has added that weird Rolf Harris panting sound as an accompaniment until the song ends, or rather, until it knackers out.)

September 26 - "Instrumental" (plus a bonus track!) "Beheaded"

Steve: You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox on Indie 1031. (tests out harmonica) I’m just getting a new…I said I’d try and change it up with a different harmonica. I think this one’s “D”. But I don’t know if I’ve got it in the holder right. I’ve got gas today, so be careful.

Mr. Shovel: It’s a little too late for that, don’t you think?

Steve: Huh? I haven’t farted on the air in a while.

Mr. Shovel: Yeah...about two minutes ago.

Steve: I just farted in Steele’s office (Indie Program Director Michael Steele). Nice. It just went on, on, on. It was one of them, it was one of them magma ones.

Mr. Shovel: I’m surprised you had anything left over for the one you just did in here.

Steve: (innocently) Oh, did I?

Mr. Shovel: (laughs)

Steve: Oh. No, I think there’s many more. Hold on a second. What’s going on, Shovel?

Mr. Shovel: We have tickets to Frampton to give away.

Steve: I heard Bush, kind of in the background, but Bush and some bloke from Afganistan was talking this morning for about twenty minutes, live. Do you know what that was about?

Mr. Shovel: No, but I’m sure it was not about anything that was actually happening.

Steve: Did you know that gas prices went down? You noticed?

Mr. Shovel: Um hm. A little bit.

Steve: I noticed that it cost twenty-six bucks to fill up my Prius. Normally it’s thirty. So that was good.

Mr. Shovel: By all means, you should shift your vote into the Republican column, then.

Steve: Oh, I know what I wanted…someone told me that Clinton ripped a new um, thing…bum-bum with that geezer on the Fox…did you see that?

Mr. Shovel: Um hm.

Steve: I wish I would have seen that. Was it, was it good?

Mr. Shovel: It was, but they just ended up making him look like a fool anyways, for being upset, “Oh, look at him. Look at him. Look at how upset he is”

Steve: Making who look like a fool?

Mr. Shovel: Clinton.

Steve: Really? I don’t think he come across like that, though. From what I…I didn’t see it, from what I…oh, well. You can’t win, can ya? Don’t matter what you do. (checks tuning on guitar) That’s sounds about…perfect. Just like the day it was made. Perfecto. (does a little la la warm up, blows into harmonica) What key is this in? Let me try and figure out. I’m into doing songs lately, I don’t know why. (blows harmonica) Oh, that ain’t right, is it? Oh, it’s “C”. (begins to play guitar and blow a tune on harmonica for a while, then stops) I don’t know what I’m singing, though. Got any ideas? Maybe I’ll just do instrumental. (continues to play)

(starts to sing)

Instrumental…(the "instrumental" has lyrics now. Mr. Shovel is heard laughing in the background)

Steve: (stops singing and playing) I can’t hear meself. What’s going on here? It’s all low and dodgy. Nothing’s happening. No echo or…the echo’s on strike or something? (starts song over)

Instrumental
Sentimental
Experimental
your life away

I am a test tube
Test tube, baby
Just finding my way
I like the sound of no words on this song

It’s better than words
They’re only words
and I like it
Yes I like it this way

Silence is golden
I’m going to send you to Coventry (?)
Did I mention that silence is golden
You’ve been sent
you’ve been sent to Coventry

I like it better with no words on this song
I like it better this way
I like it better with no words on this song
It’s more effective that way

Instrumental
Accidently
couldn’t write any words today
Instrumental
in the cathedral
of silence

It’s better off with no words on this song
I like it better this way
It’s much more fun
when you don’t have to
remember

I could never be in a play
with loads of lyrics
and cues and positions
and lights and action
and nervous stage fright

Instrumental...

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

From September 25th, a little medieval ditty by Sire

Be-headed


As I was walking through the village green
I saw bundles of hay
rolling down the cobblestones
I saw the huts were burning
And the men on their horses were waving their swords

I must run to the hills and get in the bushes
I must run and be a big coward
I’m not brave with swords
I leave it to the gruff men
I don’t want to be-headed

I saw some children get their arms cut off
And some women were getting ‘airy-aped
I think I knew one of the maidens
Better her than me

So I ran to the hills
cos I’m a coward
I don’t want them big grisly men
looking at me

I feel for the victims in the village
But you won’t find me
Because don’t want to be-headed
I want to see my head one more day
Where it should be on my shoulders
Looking out at thee

From September 25, 2006 Planes

It appears that we are in for another show from Jonesy's Bunker on Thursday the 28th. The band The Gossip will be the guest. Don't know a damn thing about 'em but they must be good in order to be deemed worthy.

~~~ ~~~ ~~~
Steve: You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox on Indie 1031. It’s three minutes after twelve bells. Nice, summery day. It was a gorgeous weekend, absolutely gorgeous. We had a game of football yesterday against this German mob. We lost 4-2. We were all bickering around in the first half cos we…were losing so we all started moaning at each other. We kind of pulled it together for the second half and came back and got two goals. If we had another ten minutes I think we could have equalized with them. I got a goal from a corner. I kicked from the corner and it went in. That’s how…

Mr. Shovel: You bent it like Beckham.

Steve: I did. Bent it like Jonesy. It’s good, it was.

Mr. Shovel: Bent, like Jonesy.

Steve: Yep. Bent. Buckled, like Jonesy. It was gorgeous, though. Laid out and got some sun yesterday. Am I sunburnt or brown?

Mr. Shovel: A little pinkish on top of the brown.

Steve: It will be brown tomorrow. (sings) Golden brown, tan is like a orange, doo dee doo…never a frown with golden brown. What else is happening? Peter Frampton tickets?

Mr. Shovel: Yeah.

Steve: He’s not coming on The Box, you know. I just found out. He’s coming in the day of the…day he’s playing so he ain’t got time to come on The Box, which is a shame. He was good last time. What else is happening? Nothing much, is there?

Mr. Shovel: Looks like you’re ready to throw down some heavy, heavy duty rock and roll.

Steve: Yeah, I’m going to rock it today. I’m going to rock it like I’ve never rocked it before. I’m going to rock it so hard, we’re going to go into the outer atmosphere. We’re going to rock. Rock it so hard I’m going to fall off the chair. The walls are going to shake. Um. Do you like flying, Shovel? You a fan of flying?

Mr. Shovel: Not really. You mean like, a commercial airliner?

Steve: Yeah.

Mr. Shovel: No. Not at all. I don’t know anybody who does enjoy it.

Steve: Yeah…I hate it.

Mr. Shovel: Why do you ask?

Steve: I dunno. I was thinking about it over the weekend. I was just lying down, looking up and seeing these planes like, taking off and thinking how unnatural it is. You know what I mean? Like, a car, you can handle the speed and stuff but like, if a plane’s going and a hole went in the plane, you’d be sucked out. It’d be all over with. It’s like an unnatural thing.

Mr. Shovel: What’re the odds of that happening? I only remember that happening like, once or twice.

Steve: I saw it once. This plane from Hawaii. The whole roof came off. They were all sitting there. Thank God they were strapped…some of ‘em…I think someone…one of the stewardess ladies who didn’t have a thing on went flying out the roof with it. Can you imagine that? Flying along there and all of a sudden the roof comes off. God, never fly again if I was on that plane. I don’t want to fly again, anyway.

Mr. Shovel: I think it’s an irrational fear because you know, you’re just…as many weird things can happen when you’re driving a car.

Steve: I know, I know. But can you imagine being on the one plane that says, “Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. We have some bad news. We’re going to plummet into the ground, smash right into the Earth. We have two minutes before this happens.” Can you imagine that? Them two minutes?

Mr. Shovel: Yeah, that wouldn’t be very…

Steve: It wouldn’t be fun, would it? What you gonna do in them two minutes? Not much you could do. And the other thing I don’t like about flying, especially when you go on long flights and you sit next to some bloke and he’s like a carpet salesman and he tells you his life story.

Mr. Shovel: Well, you just close your eyes and act like you’re sleeping.

Steve: Yeah? But then, you do get a little talkative when you’re up there for some reason. Something happens when you’re up there, all them many miles above the Earth. You actually do start talking to complete strangers. That’s why they have them magazines with all that junk in it? Sharper Image junk, you know. “Buy this bleedin’ tease, mate cos it’s what you need right now.” And you find yourself almost wanting to buy that stuff. There’s something about being up in the atmosphere that you are a bit susceptible to being a bit silly.

Mr. Shovel: Yeah, but how you gonna buy it?

Steve: Well, you order it, don’t you?

Mr. Shovel: Have you ever ordered anything while you’re flying?

Steve: I don’t order anything when I’m on the ground, mate. Cash is king.
But the worst is when you talk to the carpet salesman or the door-to-door guy. Or the car salesman and he’s telling about his life and he’s knocking back the little shots in them…you know, five hours into it he’s like telling you his deepest secrets, how he really wears women’s panties when he’s at home with his missus and his missus don’t know. And then the plane lands and then that’s it. You don’t even say goodbye. It’s like on a movie set where everyone’s friendly and the movie ends and that’s the end.

Maybe you’d get people to talk more like, if you want to get more out of like, bad people to make ‘em talk. Take ‘em up in a plane and say, “If you don’t talk, I’m going to sling you out of this plane”. Maybe they’ll do it a little bit easier than if they was in a cell, prison cell…you know?

Mr. Shovel: Maybe people talk cos they’re nervous.

Steve: Yeah, that could be it. That could be it. (starts to play his guitar) Am I on? Should I sing a song? (laughs) What should I sing a song about?

Mr. Shovel: I think it’ll have something to do with airplanes.

Steve: Yeah, okay. Let’s see if me old harp works. Gotta get some different harps cos I can only play in A (with the one he’s been using).

(sings)

Airplanes
I don’t like to fly the friendly skies at night
They give me the willies them little capsules
flying in mid-air it’s not right
No it’s not it’s not right
it’s not meant to be

Flying is for fools and silly jackabites and jack’napes
I like it when my two feet are on the ground
and not a million miles in the air
I like it when I’m in the driving seat
not with some bloke who’s had a drink
and he flies the plane

Flying is not my style
I don’t like jet planes or propeller ones
But I wouldn’t say no to a G5
if it was my own one
with no other people in it
making a mess in my G5


I wish I was mates with Bill Gates
We’d be flying high in his G5
I wish that I was mates with Bill Gates
We’d be flying around the world
in his G5

They have better mechanics on their private ones
Not like the ones on
American or United or Pan Am or TWA
I like it when the mechanic is working on my G5
he really does a thorough job

Better than the ones who are used every day
There’s more chance that you will plummet
into the ground with a load of strangers
Talking about their lives
to carpet salesmen

I’m not interested in your carpets
or your wives or your mistresses you jackabites
Carpet salesman on the plane sitting next to me
You imbecile you can take your carpets
and shove ‘em

If your carpets are so good
Why don’t you fly on one

~~~ ~~ ~~~

(BTW - yeah, "Jacobite" is the original spelling of the word, but I believe our host likes the word for what is sounds like, so I spells it "jackabite". - T)
~~~ ~~~ ~~~