Thursday, October 05, 2006

October 4, 2006 - Weight

After that last heavy post of mine, it was good to have a break. But Tina is right back atcha with some more of the thoughts of Chairman Steve. I don't, know thinking about putting on weight. I think I had to reach at least forty 40 before I noticed that the Bird's trifles; Pot Noodles, toast toppers, Angel Delight, dream topping and all those other good and slightly odd British convenience foods were having an effect/affect. Twitch!

So I don't know what that is in pounds but I'm 11 and a half stone. On Tina's previous posting, now I understand why Steve don't want to go to Chelsea, I mean London. Can't imagine anything more depressing than trying to score a ten bag or whatever amount the Mother Superior deals in. Hanging out like a cunt, cluckin' your nuts off and wandering in the drizzle around, "the streets of London." Ah forget Ralph Mctell warbling, you want the Anti-Nowhere League's Animal singing that classic. So stick where you are Steve old son and if you would like an open relationship with moi...I shall be scanning the Times personal column.

"I'll show you something that'll make you really sick...."

More of the League here

Tomorrow we all go up to Glasgow to the 7555555555th Jordan Hill Glasgow Scout Jumble Sale. It will be a mad scramble for books. What else is there for the book handler but books? Afterwards, the word curry will be involved, definitely.

Tina IS at the controls!

Steve: You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox on Indie 1031. It’s three minutes after twelve bells, seventy-two degrees when I pulled in to the garage and, nice out. Nice and sunny. And here we go. Another two hours of radio monstrosity. I had a good game of football last night, played the whole game…Dad’s Army. And we won five, five-nil, actually. I scored the first goal. Missed a couple of absolute sitters. It was on a really knobbly grass so the ball would bounce a lot so when it’s rolling along and you kick it, sometimes you mis-kick it cos it’s not even. Not making excuses…well I am a little bit, but it was fun. It’s nice to play a whole game. Especially if you’re trying to lose weight. I actually weighed myself this morning. I’m 240, which is good. I’m actually slowly losing. Um, what else is happening…gonna play some more reggae today - with other stuff. I really don’t know what else to talk about. Do you have anything to talk about, Shovel?

Mr. Shovel: Well, you said “240”, right?

Steve: Yeah.

Mr. Shovel: That’s pretty…weren’t you at 260 when you started?

Steve: No, I was 260 this time last year.

Mr. Shovel: You’re doing pretty good.

Steve: Yeah. My fighting weight is 200. That’s my goal. If I can get near there, 210, 200, 205, I’ll be looking and feeling good. But it’s working. The hypnotist, I think, is working. Yes, life is grand. Couldn’t be finer, staying away from diner. You understand. Yes, I think you do. (starts to play a song on guitar)

Weight just a moment
I jumped on the scales this morning
And the weight is leaving my membranes
And my ligaments

Weight just a moment the cartilage is better
without the fatty tissue around it
Its better for my knees and my back
and my head and my legs
and my hands and my feet and my
you-know-what oh oh oh oh

I said weight, where you goin?
You fat cells I want you to leave now
I don’t want to be a fatty no more
So tired of wearing clothes that don’t fit me
Oh oh oh oh

I want to look like some bloke in the Gap ads
Where there’s room in his waist
and he looks like he’s got a six-pack
and he’s wearing absolutely nothing
I don’t know what he’s advertising
but it’s got The Gap written all over it oh oh

But right now I have a no-pack
But it’s going to be a 10-pack
Like a packet of cigarettes
That also left me
Almost five years ago oh oh oh

Let me hear ya now (harmonica solo)

When I was twenty I couldn’t put weight on
I would eat everything but never get bigger
Then I turned twenty-five
And my metabolism slowed right down
Like a train pulling in the station
Like a big fat cow I like to graze
In the days when the sun is shining oh oh oh oh

I wish I had the metabolism of Bruce Lee
It looks like he could eat anything
And he would burn it off
Cos he had that fast fahst fast metabolism

He’s a lucky so-and-so
But wait, I guess he’s not cos he’s dead
He had a heart attack
cos he had no fat around his heart
it was vulnerable oh oh oh

Yes fat people all over the world
I feel you yes I do
It’s a hard one to quit
Its hard because you have to eat
Every day to live or you will go oh oh oh oh

Oh dear fatties all over the world
I hear you crying out for help
But you don’t get it cos no one cares
About the fat ones all over the world
We are just worried aboutParis Hilton and her no-brain

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

October 3, 2006 - Norwegian Wood

Steve: You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox on Indie 1031. It’s two minutes after twelve bells on a nice, nice day. Digging the weather right now. Yesterday was unbelievable. Yesterday evening, I went for a walk, a hike, walk whatever you call it. I guess it’s a hike, but it was on a street.

Mr. Shovel: That’s a walk.

Steve: So, it’s a walk. But it was up a hill, big hill. And I got to the top and…got to Muholland and it was about 6:30 and it was absolutely gorgeous, one of the best sunsets I’ve ever seen and I stopped at this lookout point. Just sat there and it was amazing. The red, and the clouds and the blue, it was just unreal. It was like, it didn’t look real, it was so gorgeous. And I’m sitting there and one car pulls up and this bird gets out and sits down the other end. Then this other car pulls up and this other bird got out with a kind of boyfriend and they’re taking pictures. Really hot bird, this was. Like a kind of dark hair, gorgeous little thing. Young. They were like, twenty.

The boyfriend’s got his arm around her and she’s taking pictures of the sunset. Then this other car pulls up with these two…couple. Really ‘nother hot bird with this bloke. They looked like they were from Norway. They had then silly little shorts on and stuff, that they wear. And the bloke from Norway is like, while his bird’s taking pictures of the thing, he’s looking at the other bird. And the other bird’s bloke is like, looking somewhere else. And all he could think about was getting in this other bird’s pants. And as the first couple went to drive off, this guy’s still looking and the other bird looks back and smiles at him. And the man, the boy from the one couple and the girl from the Swedish…whatever they were, from Holland…are totally oblivious to what’s going on and they were both…I don’t know if the bird was more into it than the bloke, but he was like, just…he’s with this bird but all he could do was want to get in this bird’s pants.

And it made me sick seeing all this. I’m sitting there and this beautiful sunset and minding me own business and this thing comes right in front of ya. You know what I mean? Where it’s deceit and dishonesty. Right there out of the blue. I’m up there, middle of nowhere, minding me own business, not at a club, just you know, where that stuff goes on all the time, but just there, minding me own business. And then they drove off, the two from Holland and then it’s just me. I’m just sitting there and I’m thinking about this and just like, sitting there thinking how messed up…I dunno if it’s “messed up”, but what funny people we are. What a funny species we are, you know? The things we do. And I got all kind of sad, as well. You know what I mean? It was weird.

I had a horrible dream as well, last night. But I was glad when I woke up. I had one of then dreams where you’re like, getting loaded in the dream. Like, I was walking around London, looking for heroin, you know. And I had relapsed and I had got a habit again and I didn’t really know anyone and I’m just walking around London with this horrible feeling, you know. Trying to find some dope. It seemed to go on and on forever, this dream and then I woke and I’m like, “Oh yesss. It was a dream, it didn’t really happen and I felt good about that. Cos it went on and on forever. I started thinking it was, it was really happening, you know? Horrible. But it is a relief when you wake up in your bed and everything’s groovy around you and you’re not…you hadn’t gotten loaded and you still got, I’m still in me house and it was sunny out. That was good. But um…(pause) funny old world, innit? What about you, Shovel? How you doing?

Mr. Shovel: I’m, I’m fine…there’s a lot going on behind those glasses of yours.

Steve: Yeah. Well, there always is. (strums guitar) Is this on? Sounds quiet. No more level? Uh, yeah. So, today, I dunno…the one bird, though was unbelievable. A little dark, Spanish-y looking, good looking bird. I could see why this Norwegian skinny bloke was looking at her. It was so obvious. It was so weird that he was just, blatantly, he’s standing behind his bird while his bird is taking the pictures, and he’s like, just checking this bird out…

Mr. Shovel: It’s like a scene in a movie.

Steve: It was.

Mr. Shovel: Started like a porno, but turned into like a, some kind of…

Steve: Horrible, it was. Made me feel sick, I dunno why.

Mr. Shovel: But I bet it inspired you to write a song!

Steve: Just the way people just, I dunno. That’s probably why I don’t have a girlfriend cos I don’t want to be cheating. The you have to kind of give a load of fanny, where you’ve been. And you know you’ve been…you’re going to hurt someone’s feelings. That’s why I probably don’t bother doing that. I guess it’s cool if you have one of them relationships where it’s open. You know what I mean? Do they work, though?

Mr. Shovel: I’m guessing not for too many people, not for very long.

Steve: Should I sing a song? What should I sing a song about?

Mr. Shovel: Well, if that were a movie, what song would be playing?

Steve: (sings)

You’re the man, I’m the lady

Steve: It sounds horrible in here. We got no echo anymore? (((hello? Yeah.))) What’s wrong with ya?


You’re the…

Steve: (stops again) It’s a horrible echo. Did we get a new echo or something? What happened to that first one we had that was really like, dreamy?

Mr. Shovel: That’s it.

Steve: This is it?

(starts again)

Why, do we cheat on each other
Is there some kind of kick that we get
From deceiving your partner oh oh
Is it such a turn-on to have it off
With some other bird

When she’s not looking oh oh
Why can’t we be open with each other
All the time
We must hide our secrets
from the eye

for just five seconds of ormagasmic pleasure
it’s more than you can handle
would it be the same if your old lady was looking
at you having it off with some other bird
you big pussy

Oh you Norwegian piece of dog doo
You had a hot bird there but
That wasn’t enough
You had to look at some other blokes bird
Right in front of his face

It couldn’t be more beautiful
Looking out on Mulholland
Where the sunset was
Red blue and orange colors
With puffy clouds oh oh oh

You had your Norwegian wood now
Getting off

Norwegian woodie
for some other birdie