Thursday, October 05, 2006

October 4, 2006 - Weight

After that last heavy post of mine, it was good to have a break. But Tina is right back atcha with some more of the thoughts of Chairman Steve. I don't, know thinking about putting on weight. I think I had to reach at least forty 40 before I noticed that the Bird's trifles; Pot Noodles, toast toppers, Angel Delight, dream topping and all those other good and slightly odd British convenience foods were having an effect/affect. Twitch!

So I don't know what that is in pounds but I'm 11 and a half stone. On Tina's previous posting, now I understand why Steve don't want to go to Chelsea, I mean London. Can't imagine anything more depressing than trying to score a ten bag or whatever amount the Mother Superior deals in. Hanging out like a cunt, cluckin' your nuts off and wandering in the drizzle around, "the streets of London." Ah forget Ralph Mctell warbling, you want the Anti-Nowhere League's Animal singing that classic. So stick where you are Steve old son and if you would like an open relationship with moi...I shall be scanning the Times personal column.

"I'll show you something that'll make you really sick...."

More of the League here

Tomorrow we all go up to Glasgow to the 7555555555th Jordan Hill Glasgow Scout Jumble Sale. It will be a mad scramble for books. What else is there for the book handler but books? Afterwards, the word curry will be involved, definitely.

Tina IS at the controls!

Steve: You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox on Indie 1031. It’s three minutes after twelve bells, seventy-two degrees when I pulled in to the garage and, nice out. Nice and sunny. And here we go. Another two hours of radio monstrosity. I had a good game of football last night, played the whole game…Dad’s Army. And we won five, five-nil, actually. I scored the first goal. Missed a couple of absolute sitters. It was on a really knobbly grass so the ball would bounce a lot so when it’s rolling along and you kick it, sometimes you mis-kick it cos it’s not even. Not making excuses…well I am a little bit, but it was fun. It’s nice to play a whole game. Especially if you’re trying to lose weight. I actually weighed myself this morning. I’m 240, which is good. I’m actually slowly losing. Um, what else is happening…gonna play some more reggae today - with other stuff. I really don’t know what else to talk about. Do you have anything to talk about, Shovel?

Mr. Shovel: Well, you said “240”, right?

Steve: Yeah.

Mr. Shovel: That’s pretty…weren’t you at 260 when you started?

Steve: No, I was 260 this time last year.

Mr. Shovel: You’re doing pretty good.

Steve: Yeah. My fighting weight is 200. That’s my goal. If I can get near there, 210, 200, 205, I’ll be looking and feeling good. But it’s working. The hypnotist, I think, is working. Yes, life is grand. Couldn’t be finer, staying away from diner. You understand. Yes, I think you do. (starts to play a song on guitar)

Weight just a moment
I jumped on the scales this morning
And the weight is leaving my membranes
And my ligaments

Weight just a moment the cartilage is better
without the fatty tissue around it
Its better for my knees and my back
and my head and my legs
and my hands and my feet and my
you-know-what oh oh oh oh

I said weight, where you goin?
You fat cells I want you to leave now
I don’t want to be a fatty no more
So tired of wearing clothes that don’t fit me
Oh oh oh oh

I want to look like some bloke in the Gap ads
Where there’s room in his waist
and he looks like he’s got a six-pack
and he’s wearing absolutely nothing
I don’t know what he’s advertising
but it’s got The Gap written all over it oh oh

But right now I have a no-pack
But it’s going to be a 10-pack
Like a packet of cigarettes
That also left me
Almost five years ago oh oh oh

Let me hear ya now (harmonica solo)

When I was twenty I couldn’t put weight on
I would eat everything but never get bigger
Then I turned twenty-five
And my metabolism slowed right down
Like a train pulling in the station
Like a big fat cow I like to graze
In the days when the sun is shining oh oh oh oh

I wish I had the metabolism of Bruce Lee
It looks like he could eat anything
And he would burn it off
Cos he had that fast fahst fast metabolism

He’s a lucky so-and-so
But wait, I guess he’s not cos he’s dead
He had a heart attack
cos he had no fat around his heart
it was vulnerable oh oh oh

Yes fat people all over the world
I feel you yes I do
It’s a hard one to quit
Its hard because you have to eat
Every day to live or you will go oh oh oh oh

Oh dear fatties all over the world
I hear you crying out for help
But you don’t get it cos no one cares
About the fat ones all over the world
We are just worried aboutParis Hilton and her no-brain


Anonymous said...

Yea, it's difficult to lose the pounds, but Steve will get through. All the best to him.
Hell, he looks good anyways.
We'll love him regardless.

Good job, Tina
Keep up the good work.


Quean said...

Stone is 14 pounds; 11.5 stone would be 161 pounds.
And we love Chriswasanon, too.

Chris was Anon said...

Thank you all for your comments. Those in the chatbox and those one the posts. Tina and I always read them. Thanks for the mathematical stone to pounds conversions, Quean.