Friday, June 09, 2006
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Mr. Shovel: I’m glad to have you back.
Steve: Oh, yeah…from my out-of-body experience yesterday, is that what you mean?
Mr. Shovel: It was weird, just looking into that one big eyeball.
Steve: Yes. Well that’s, you know, sometimes you have to go to an outer body to become a higher being, you know - this Incubus Succubus the Sixth. I enjoyed it, though. I don’t remember any of it cos you kind of just black out when you take on someone else. But, I heard the rebroadcast. At that point, I was back to my normal self. I’m like, “Who’s that guy? He sounds weird…oh, it’s Incubus.” (sighs) Actually got a couple of emails from some people saying that they hated it. They changed channels. I don’t get it.
Mr. Shovel: Some people don’t like clowns.
Steve: I know, exactly. I mean, look what they did to Jesus.
Mr. Shovel: Exactly. Clowns, Jesus…
Steve: He couldn’t please everyone, could he? (They) put that poor sod on a cross.
Mr. Shovel: You can make as many fish as you want, some people aren’t gonna like ‘em.
Steve: That’s right. You can’t please everyone. I don’t want to please everyone. Got to please yourself and push it outwards. You know what I mean? It’s impossible to please everybody, innit?
Mr. Shovel: What do you mean, “Push it outwards”?
Steve: You do what you do because you like it. Let’s say: the show, Jonesy’s Jukebox - you stick by what you like…it ridiculous if I try to please people. So you do what you like and then you let it go, you push it out and see if – you don’t even “see”, you just push it out and…you know, you always get some knuckleheads. (reconsiders) They’re not knuckleheads. Listen, if they’re sending me an email, they’re taking their time out to do something. You know, most people who say, listen to Jonesy’s Jukebox, they don’t email or do anything. They just listen and they like it or they don’t like it. If they don’t like it, they won’t listen, if they like it, they don’t like, gotta tell ya you know, what they think of it. That’s what I’d be like. It’s like when I go and see a band. If I like a band, I don’t go up to the front and start dancing. You know what I mean?
Mr. Shovel: And if you don’t like ‘em, what do you do?
Steve: Well, um, I’ll probably leave.
Mr. Shovel: Do you send them an email?
Steve: I’m not going to go up to the front and say, “You suck”, you know? What you gonna do. What you gonna do. I went and saw a movie last night - fantastic, Mr. Shovel. I command everyone to go and see it.
Mr. Shovel: “It”, being…
Steve: I can’t tell you what I saw.
Mr. Shovel: All right then.
Steve: But everybody…
Mr. Shovel: I’ll make sure I go.
Steve: Everybody needs to see it. It’s the Al Gore movie? You know the one? Inconveniently…The Truth?
Mr. Shovel: ” Inconvenient Truth"?
Steve: I think that’s what it’s called.
Mr. Shovel: Yeah?
Steve: It was fantastic, fantastic. I’m so glad I got my Prius. I feel like I’m doing me part as well as saving gas and getting some hairy, hippie birds, I’m glad I got the car. It’s a, very um…I never was really drawn to Al Gore before. But when you see this, you get a different a…different look on the bloke, you know? And I don’t think there’s an agenda cos he obviously ain’t runnin’ anymore is he, for any presidential…whatever?
Mr. Shovel: Not just yet.
Steve: But he’s a…you’ve got to see it. I don’t want to like…I’m not gonna preach to anybody. At the end it says, “Things to do”, to do things better, and one of the things is, “Tell people to go and see this movie”. So I’m ahead of the game.
Mr. Shovel: If you made that movie, obviously…
Steve: No, no no no no. It’s not like that, Shovel. I’m doing my part, mate.
Mr. Shovel: Okay, then.
Steve: I bought my car - Prius car, I recycle and I’m telling people to go and see this movie to get some information about where we’re heading. And I think it’s brilliant. One of the best documentaries I’ve seen, as far as putting it out there and not ramming it down your throat and saying, “This is what we’ve gotta do. They’re the idiots!” It’s kind of just giving you the info on the state of the global warming, of where it’s going and you know, it’s all covered. You know, the skeptics say, “Yeah, well this happens” and I was a skeptic myself. But after you see this, if this is all true, what they’re saying? Then, you know…I wouldn’t want to have a baby because he’s not going to have a good time when he’s older, the way we’re going. But there you are. I’m just doing my bit. Go and watch that movie. “Inconvenience The Truth”…I forget what it’s called.
Mr. Shovel: Wait, wait. If you don’t want to have a baby, then the world’s gonna get taken over by stupid people.
Steve: Yes. But, the people who have babies, have their babies listening to my show and they become intelligent.
Mr. Shovel: Okay.
Steve: See, I don’t need to have a baby to have people (become) intelligent. They just listen to The Box and then they become intelligent. Or they go to the wayside if they can’t comprehend the magnitude of my super-intelligence. It’s quite easy, really. Do you understand?
Mr. Shovel: No, I can’t comprehend it…
Steve: Okay, I’m gonna play a song.
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Is is just me, or did he sound like Kelsey Grammer?
(The opening theme of Jonesy’s Jukebox fades, overtaken by “Tubular Bells” (more commonly known as the theme from “The Exorcist”)
Incubus Succubus III: Good evening. How are you? Yes. Now you know. This is the Day of The Devil, 666. This is a day of much anguish. There will be hell to pay. You do understand. This is my mellow-devil voice. Do you like it? Put more music, Mr. Shovel. Thank you. This is the Devil’s Concubine, Incubus Succubus the Third. I have come to descend upon Los Angeles, Orange County and Ventura Boulevard. I will put many, many streams down on you. You will be coughing after twelve bells. Chemicals. I hope you enjoy it. I did say twelve “bells” didn’t I? Yes. Take it away, Mister. ("Hell’s Bells" begins to play)
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
Incubus Succubus III: Yes. Yes, children of the grave. What a wonderful day it is today. So much anguish. So much pain. So much anxiety. Do you feel it?
I wished it upon you.
You must be soaking it up by now. All the hatred is coming out of your pores. You do concur don’t you, Los Angeles? Orange County. Madison County. Ventura Boulevard. Today is the day we will all be drawn together as one and we will all dissipate into dust. That’s all I’m giving you right now.
Don’t ask me for what songs I played cos it doesn’t matter, because we’re not going to be here after today. So you don’t need to go to iTunes to download anything. It’s all meaningless. I’ll be back.
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
It’s been a hundred years. It’s a long time since I descended on thee. Why don’t you go to the Indie website and have a butcher’s at what I look like right now. Do you see me? There’s only so much I can do for you now. I brought you this far. The rest is up to you. Incu-Succubus the Third. I need to get back into my oxygen tank so I will leave you with some music. “Killed By Death” Do you understand?
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
(the end of the second set featured only Mr. Succubus’ irregular breathing pattern)
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
(back from commercial)
Incubus Succubus III: Much better. I have the insulin (?) running through me now. The fire is all inside my veins. My head is ablaze with gasoline. You have no idea what it’s like down here in the core of the earth. Twenty leagues inside the center of the earth. It is so bloody hot, even I, Incubus Succubus the Third, have a hard time sleeping. But I have arisen for this one day. I am the Devil of all devils so I hope you appreciate me coming to the top, to surface amongst you.
Ohhh, it’s so bloody hot…
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
(After the third set, nice placid music plays in the background)
Incubus Succubus III: This is too jolly, this part. Please put the other bit on, Mr. Shovel. What are you doing to me. (“Tubular Bells” starts again in the background) I have an image to maintain. That’s way too jolly. That’s better. Do you know it’s written in the scriptures, on the tablets. There was no “Last Supper”, Mr. Shovel.
Mr. Shovel: I think it was a lunch.
Incubus Succubus III: Did you see the lines of cocaine they were snorting on that big long table? The Devil’s dandruff. Yes. There is no truth to the Biblical “sense”. Can you imagine Malcolm McLaren writing the Bible, Mr. Shovel?
Mr. Shovel: He would have made the whole thing his idea.
Incubus Succubus III: It might as well have been him. It’s just all a load of malarkey.
One doesn’t need to follow history. One just needs to look forward to the future.
Am I being clear? Yes I think you are getting a hang of my verbal incompetence.
Ohh. Tomorrow there will nothing left, Mr. Shovel. Have you ever seen Los Angeles flat, Mr. Shovel?
Mr. Shovel: You’re just working up an excuse for a day off, I think.
Incubus Succubus III: DON’T EVER interrupt me like that again. I mean, leveled. No trees, no mountains, no buildings. No telegraph poles, no utilities. Just flat. I will make it so, Mr. Shovel.
There’ll be no more dreams. No more aspirations of being on a soap or the newest reality tv show.
THIS is reality Mr. Shovel: No more tomorrow. How’s that for reality for you? Does that make sense in your small, TV Land world? ASHES, that’s all you will have tomorrow. Dust of concrete. Oh what the hell does it matter. I’m going to have a quick little nap ‘til the next lot of music.
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
(another horribly painful Rubio’s commercial has just played)
Incubus Succubus III: Now you see why I have to level Los Angeles? When you have incompetent commercials like with the “surfer dude” the Bill-and-Ted voice, it’s so old. It must be removed…like everything else in Los Angeles. Don’t worry, Orange County, you will follow. After it is flattened here, I will descend on your neck of the woods. And don’t forget Ventura Boulevard. You and your Seven Elevens will be leveled and your Galleria. Yes. Don’t forget the Galleria.
You think I’m joking, don’t you? You wait and see. Six-Six-Six. It’s been a hundred years since I have been around. (breathes heavily) Why do I bother? Nobody listens. You’re too busy watching “American Idol”. It’s not called “Idol” for nothing. It idles your mind. Don’t get me worked up. I can’t stand your incompetence.
It took me a long time to come from the middle of the earth, up to this radio station. Do you understand how much drilling I had to do to get here? The heat factor? The rubble I had to push to one side with my head? No, of course you don’t understand! Cos you’re too busy playing with your iPods. FOOLS!
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
Incubus Succubus III: Such torment. Why? Why does man hate man? Why is there such an obsession for power? Why do we kill, to get an extra piece of land? I will tell you why:
Because I have wished it.
We will never be vegetarians. There’s always a side that likes carnivore. And oil. And gambling. And sex for money. There’s always a side that I push the buttons on. It’s the nature of the Beast. Go with your feelings.
Where would we be without wars and destruction? You might watch some documentary where there are killings and say, “Oooh. That is horrific.” But there is always that side that can’t stop watching. That is the side that can be easily swayed in my favor.
I will be back and wrap this soon and leave it to your own devices, you poor, foolish specimens called “humans”. You have no idea the magna and magma and the quagmire.
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
I hope I’ve exhausted all your avenues for escape. You had your chance yesterday, but now comes the time. I have to go now. I have to drill my way back into the middle of the earth. I can’t use the same way that I came, because it is already filled in. That’s the drag about the earth. Nevertheless, it was worth it, coming here for one hundred years’ worth. I will just take extra morphine when I get back into the middle. Mmmm. Morphine drip. And all the nubiles oozing around at my feet, ready to cater to my every need. You might think it’s called “Hell”, but I call it “Perfect Harmony”. In my world, anyway.
I’m going to leave you incompetent nincompoops to do what you will in this place you call, “life”. YOU ARE FOOLISH TO BELIEVE THAT THERE IS A FUTURE HERE. YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE AGGRAVATION THAT IS ABOUT TO COME ON YOU! DO YOU HEAR?
I SAID, DO YOU HEAR????
(and with that, he plowed his way back into the bowels of the earth. The End.)
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Mr. Shovel: Oh, goody.
Steve: World Cup. We got to get this ESPN 2 in the studio here so I can watch games. I‘ve got to tell you one thing: If England…like, the first two England games, is next Saturday at six in the morning and the next one’s at nine in the morning, and if for some reason the other England games are on at twelve o’clock, I’m gonna be “sick”. I’m just letting you know right now cos I can’t miss that. That’s the one game I can’t miss is England in the World Cup, if they’re going forward. You understand.
Mr. Shovel: How many times might that happen?
Steve: I don’t know. I doubt if they…I doubt if a lot of the games are going to be at twelve. But I’m just, I’m just letting you know now. That if, if it does coincide with The Box, I’m definitely gonna be “sick”. You can fire me, do what you will, but I can’t miss that.
Mr. Shovel: You’re gonna have to have a doctor’s note.
Steve: I could get a doctor’s note. I have many powers.
See what I can get
Will I get all the tree huggers
in the back seat huggin’ me
Pre… (you know what I mean…yeah)
Birkenstocks, hemp trousers
I’m gonna go the whole nine yards
And see what kind of minge I can get
I’ll be hangin’ outside vegetarian restaurants
lookin’ for them hairy armpits
I’m bored with the high heels
I need me some high
Umm mmm, I’m gonna rub soy beans all over your head
They don’t call me satan for nothin’
I mean, seitan*
It’s a fine piece of fake meat
Mmmm, “I’m gonna give you my seitan, baby!”
Pre…premat’ch, precumming ahhh, yer gonna get a load of me
Prius I’m half electric, I’m half gas(well you know I’m half gas by now) um hmmm
Captain Prius I’ve got an electric starship
with a load of buttons and whistles and bells
C’mon hippie, now
Never trust a hippie
Especially one with a ponytail
They all go down to the NAMM show
With their ponytails on and their satin jackets
trying to sell you anything to do with music
the new WD4-6 dimidulator
with the phase quantrain on top of it
“I really want one of those, I think they’re fantastic for when I do my lead guitar”
Prius, oh daddy-o
I’m gonna play some rock and roll
Right now with a bit of Blues Explosion
Burn Off the sunshine
*Seitan, it's the vegetarian wheat-meat!