From May 17th

Steve: (the first thing we hear is Steve playing a series of notes on his guitar) “Harmonics”, that’s called. (plays more) How Billy Gibbons plays.

Mr. Shovel: Eric Clapton does that a lot.

Steve: (continues to play, sounds like chimes. It reminds him of something) Here’s a better one. "Bring out your dead!" The Black Plague. It was fleas in the rats. Bring out your dead. Jonesy’s Jukebox. I feel dreadful today. I dunno what, if it’s…I dunno if it was that three-hour BBC documentary I watched on pedophiles that made me feel weird today, or it was just, there’s so much smog in the air. I can’t…maybe it’s a combination. But my friend burned me this horrible documentary of pedophiles. It was so disturbing. And then I fell asleep. That was the last thing I watched before I dozed off, you know, and it’s just horrible, that stuff. How rotten some grown-ups can be with kids. If I was the President, I would put them all on an island, you know, like “Papillion”? They had that island. Island for criminals, to let them get on with it, just put them on an island. You don’t even have to kill ‘em. Just let them do what they want to do on a bleedin’ island. Obviously, make sure there’s no kids on the island. Just let them you know, carve little kids out of trees and make ‘em have sex with that or something. That’s what they’d probably end up doing. You know what I mean? And just let them get on with it; but just get them away from society cos they’re…it’s just a…it’s funny. You can kind of…they’ve got a look about them, too.

Mr. Shovel: What do they look like?

Steve: They just a…I dunno. It’s hard to, it’s hard to put a finger on it but there’s a “look”. And their houses are always a mess. Is your house a mess, Mr. Shovel? (laughs)

Mr. Shovel: That’s why I asked (laughs)

Steve: No, no I mean, their gaffs are like, just dumps, you know. And they’ve always got the curtains pulled and it’s a hellish life, you can tell they’re living in hell. But any way, it’s like when you watch them videos of a…”Faces Of Death”. You’re kind of drawn to it, but after you’ve watched it, for me anyway, I don’t know about anyone else…(my) brain is so contaminated and with evil thoughts and image that have just gone into your photobank, in your brain, you know. I guess it’s not much different than…watching Fox 11. They kind of strive for that same, same thing, really. Kind of like (imitating news reporter) “Live. Here at the scene - a shooting!” and it’s that thing, it’s like a double-edged sword that you want to watch it and then when you watch it, you think the whole world is like that. And that’s why people are paranoid when they’re out in the streets and they’re feared-up, locking their doors behind ‘em and it ain’t, there ain’t a lot of that…you know, I mean, there is horrible stuff going on, but the whole world ain’t doing that. There ain’t a shooting on every corner you know, and high-speed chases on every bleedin’ highway. It’s just a funny old world we live in. But you know, I guess it’s that thing of like, if you, if you want to watch it, they’ll provide it for ya. If there’s no one watching it, they’ll go on to something else, the media.

Mr. Shovel: They’re not there for…

Steve: They’re providing what we’re kind of craving, in a way. It’s a double edged-sword.

Mr. Shovel: That’s why they’ll follow a high-speed chase for two hours because you’ll sit there and watch it for two hours cos you want to see if they’ll shoot the guy at the end.

Steve: Exactly. Exactly. (guitar is heard in b.g. throughout rest of dialogue) But I feel all totally like, worn out from it. I went and had breakfast this morning. A couple of people I knew in there said, “Ooh, you look knackered today”. I went, “Yeah, I know”.

Mr. Shovel: You just need a shave.

Steve: I think it’s more than that. Arsenal and Barcelona are playing right now. Champions League Final. Obviously there’s no score or I would get a…someone would tell me by now. I have my men. What would you do with pedophiles if you was the President? There don’t seem like there’s much recovery.

Mr. Shovel: I don’t know. I think, enforcing the existing laws.

Steve: Yeah.

Mr. Shovel: It’s hard to, it’s hard to catch those people.

Steve: And the sickening thing about all this, these ones that they were tracking for over years, they actually, finally, got them to court and charged them, and they basically got off with hardly any punishment.

Mr. Shovel: Putting people out after they’ve served time…there’s no rehabilitating a pedophile.

Steve: It doesn’t seem like it.

Mr. Shovel: So, maybe it’s politically incorrect, but why wouldn’t you just castrate somebody.

Steve: Yeah, but then the mind is still thinking the same thing, you know what I mean? That would be even worse for one of ‘em because they’re still thinking the thoughts.

Mr. Shovel: Right. It’s tough.

Steve: I think…there’s got to be like, one of them leper islands that is vacant.

Mr. Shovel: Yeah, then we can make a TV show out of it.

Steve: Yeah, like…”Pedophile Survivor”.

Mr. Shovel: Um hmm.

Steve: (U.S. accent) That’s a great idea, I’m gonna call Fox 11 right now and tell ‘em!

Mr. Shovel: It’ll be like “Lost”.

Steve: Yeah. “Lost Boys”.

Mr. Shovel: Lost their boys.

Steve: Oh, no. I shouldn’t make…it’s not funny. But it is, in a way, but I don’t know. Maybe they can abuse snakes on this little island. Baby snakes.

Mr. Shovel: Coconuts. You can do a lot with a coconut.

Steve: Yeah, exactly. They must be removed. If I was El Presidente…remove their mancheefrills. And their tentacles.

Mr. Shovel: We could make ‘em be the guys who drive around waiting for bombs to blow up.

Steve: Exactly. Some use. They wouldn’t do it, though. They’re cowards.

Mr. Shovel: A few good men.

Steve: Yeah. There’s a lot of it that goes on though, you know. Apparently, I don’t know if this is true, I was told that one in three kids have had some kind of fondled in their lifetime. Some kind of weird stuff. That means there’s either there’s a small amount who are doing a lot of overtime, pedophiles. Or there’s a lot of pedophiles.

Mr. Shovel: The thing is, people repeat what they’ve had done to them.

Steve: Unfortunately.

Mr. Shovel: This is very heavy. You’re talking about heavy…!

Steve: Yeah. (stops playing guitar) Let’s play a song that I didn’t play yesterday, I didn’t have it (it was the whistle) But this is not…(both start laughing, the title is ironic) I didn’t mean this, but this is Brittany Fox, “Girl’s School”. Take it away, Mr. Shovel.

May 16thness

Steve: You know the word “ness”, it’s always put on a lot of the end of words?

Mr. Shovel: Happiness.

Steve: Yeah. Darkness…

Mr. Shovel: Loch Ness.

Steve: Your High-ness. Your Highness, Loch Ness. It’s on a lot of words. Where do you think that came from?

Mr. Shovel: I don’t know. I’ll bet George Tercoulias (sp?) could call in and tell us?

Steve: (U.S. accent) Ya think so? Ness. Elliot Ness. Did you say that?

Mr. Shovel: No, you did.

Steve: Elliot Ness, um, ness…ness.

Mr. Shovel: Nestle Quik.

Steve: Nestle Quik.

Mr. Shovel: Mike Ness.

Steve: Nestles. Mike Ness. Vanness. That’s a place in the Valley, innit? Vanness? Not Venice, Vanness. Van Ness. (laughs). What was you gonna say? (in some character voice he made up) Come on pleeeease, don’t keep me waiting Mr. Shovel!

Mr. Shovel: It was not worth it, really.

Steve: Oh…um…ness. Where do birds sleep? In a ness.

Mr. Shovel: Not mine.

Steve: Oh…good comeback.

---------

Steve: (belches) Oh, pardon me. I had a late breakfast. That’s why I’m burping. I ate very fast. I always eat fast, though. Do you eat fast, Shovel?

Mr. Shovel: No, I eat…I’m always the last one to finish.

Steve: Really.

Mr. Shovel: Yeah.

Steve: I’m the first one in, first one out. I don’t even chew it. It’s like going down a chute, when I eat. You know what I mean?

Mr. Shovel: Like a dog.

Steve: Basically, yeah. You know when a dog’s like, sitting there and you sling him something he just goes (makes that abrupt sound like a dog makes when snapping up some food) CHOMP!. There’s no chewing, it’s just gone. CHOMP! CHOMP! CHOMP! (laughs). That’s what I eat like. Maybe not that bad, maybe a couple of chews. (imitates a chew-chew CHOMP!)

Mr. Shovel: Are people throwing it at you?

Steve: No, but I’m eating it like that. I’m picking it up, putting it in my mouth, going CHOMP! CHOMP!. Oh, I love it. Let’s go to the Duke.

From Monday 4/15

Welcome back to Chriswasanon - Final edition! In which we muse on the match tomorrow, the myspace profile news, Peter Sellers, 10 days in 1978 and Steve Jones new song, "Brandy." I will also throw some arse news into the mix. Today is a good day for verily brethren and sisthren, it is a TRANSCRIPTION DAY and if that is not a red letter day, then what is?

I hear that Steve played his new song "Brandy" on the jukebox, yesterday. This can only mean 1 thing. Steve is recording again. Excellent. I heard it not :-( for other partner-like duties took me away from the box and nary the excuse of listening to SuB-MiSSion playing with my "submarine" in the bath either. So excited ones lie down on your couches - loosen all tight fitting clothingments, stop that sniggering Rotter! Breathe in, breathe out.

Your Excellency of Excellence. An Ubhal as airde! Ah Steve. He's the topmost apple on the topmost branch of the topmost tree! Which is like, top banana in Panagyric praise poetry. The best...

THE MYSPACE PROFILE PIC "GOLDEN AVATARS ARE US" NEWS.

But I does like that pic of Sid and Steve on the ole myspace, that I does. If only I could read what it says on the t-shirt, do you think that the picture was taken somewheres on this tour?
























Atlanta/Memphis/San Antonio/Baton Rouge/Dallas/Tulsa/San Faransicoo.

This subject was raised in a well-known British newspaper recently and I wondered if any of you fine folks might know the answer to it.

When Gene Pitney was only

------------> "24 Hours from Tulsa," <---------

...just where exactly was he?

Looks like Steve is going to be out to lunch for a month OR he's having that World Cup piped drekly into the sketch, the pad, the studio. His predictive powers are growing too for I think he is going to be "unwell" come Wednesday. Did I tell you that my bruv is off to Gay Paree to watch Arsenal v Barcelona, and hopefully see the Gunners carry off the one remaining piece of European silver-ware that they have not won yet?

Clouseau: "I believe everything and I believe nothing. I suspect everyone and I suspect no one."


Hmmm...well now there is to me a certain "Shot in the dark" aspect to today's transcription. I will leave that one to you yourselves to work out, how...exactly.

Still to come, the crazy story of the man who RAN the entire route of the Southern Upland Way in five days, barefoot! See previous postings and naw it wasnae me. Still to come sometime.

Ahahahahahahah as Rotter says and others too. My other half thinks that the lovely picture of the arse is mine. See name that bum! Well she's wrong but I AM flattered that my arse department resembles you knoweth who. You DO know who's arse that is, don't you?

Attention CHisPA

Jajajajaja indeed hahahaha but win or lose against Barça I "could" one day soon post a picture of mi culo! or MY arse! I'm not like the lovely Shloemoe who has bottom bottled out of posting his peach. Well I ain't deterred by perishin' privacy.....much ;-)

Chriswasanon.

Tina is at the controls!

May 15, 2006

Steve: You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox on Indie 1031. Monday, twelve bells, nice and sunny. I think it’s took a turn for the better. So I’m happy. The Premiership league is over, ended. Kind of twiddlin’ me thumbs. Although I did watch a great game. The FA Cup Finals, was a…West Ham and Liverpool on Saturday morning. Got up and watched that. That was a fantastic game. Not if you was a West Ham fan, but…if you were just a fan of football, it was a great game to watch. Liverpool won, in penalties. It went to extra time in penalties. It was a bizarre game. Everyone was like, hobbling around at the end, all having cramp and it was great. It was fantastic. Poor West Ham. But nevertheless, Arsenal is playing Barcelona, Wednesday.

I might be sick Wednesday, Mr. Shovel.

Mr. Shovel: Are you suddenly an Arsenal fan?

Steve: No. Not at all. But it’s a big game, it’s a, it’s the Final of the Champions League. It’s a big game. It’s Arsenal and Barcelona. I’m actually…I want Barcelona to win to be honest with ya. I know you kind of should support an English team, but it’s not…I don’t hate Arsenal. Well, I don’t…I hate their manager, but I don’t dislike Arsenal, I just, I fancy Barcelona. But then we’ve got the World Cup on June.

Mr. Shovel: See, it never stops.

Steve: Well, it does, cos if World Cup’s every four years…so if it wasn’t this year, there’d be no football ‘til next a…September, ‘til September.

Mr. Shovel: And where’s that, in Germany, right?

Steve: This year it’s in Germany, yeah. I can’t wait for that. I might be sick all month that month, Mr. Shovel.

Mr. Shovel: Really?

Steve: Yeah, I dunno. We’ll see. Maybe we can set it up in the TV, get a TV in here so I can watch it, you know?

Mr. Shovel: Well, we have a TV.

Steve: Well, maybe…obviously we can get…it’s in a really good position, too.

Mr. Shovel: It’s right behind you…

Steve: Yeah.

Mr. Shovel: …and we don’t get any of those channels.

Steve: No. ESPN and ESPN 2, I think are the ones who are gonna show…the whole World Cup.

Oh, man, I laid out Sunday. My mate come over and I was, we were playing guitars (laughs) in my pool area, naked. ( Mr. Shovel laughs) I was naked, he was…(both laugh) I was lying out naked and he came over and we started playing guitars…

Mr. Shovel: Sounds like a Peter Sellers movie.

Steve: (laughs) I tell you what, I am so red raw. I didn’t put any block on, like an idiot. I look like I’m wearing a spandex roller suit, a red one. I’m just red raw. You can’t see it but spandex, red shiny jumpsuit, it looks like I’m wearing right now (plays a few notes on guitar). What’s this? (plays “Rebel Rebel”)

Mr. Shovel: Now I got it.

Steve: (sings)

Got your mother in a whirl
Not sure if you’re a boy or a girl
Rebel rebel, your head’s alright
Rebel rebel let’s go out tonight

Steve: I never remember any words…

(sings) Hot tramp, I love you so

Something like that. Um, what else. What else is happening? Anything happening? You moved yet? Soon.

Mr. Shovel: No, but I’ve got big big news.

Steve: Breaking news?

Mr. Shovel: Yeah. I got a couch.

Steve: Rully.

Mr. Shovel: Yeah, and a mattress.

Steve: RRRULLY?

Mr. Shovel: Yup. Gettin’ it together, Steve.

Steve: You gonna, you gonna move in now, just on the couch or you gonna get the bed, you gonna get a box frame for the mattress?

Mr. Shovel: Gonna get a frame.

Steve: Before you move in there?

Mr. Shovel: No. I just need a mattress, man.

Steve: You know what you should do? Before you move in there – stop smoking.

Mr. Shovel: Yeah.

Steve: So you don’t make it stink.

Mr. Shovel: That’s the plan.

Steve: Well, when you gonna move in there then?

Mr. Shovel: …end of the month.

Steve: (starts to play guitar again) Oh, okay…we’re not gonna go any deeper, Shovel. Don’t worry. Gonna play a little song. It was by Looking Glass. Big hit in 1972, called, “Brandy” and I’m gonna play a version of some other bloke. Tell me who you think this is. Take it away, Mr. Shovel.

---------------
Transcript from "A shot in the dark." The 2nd Pink Panther Movie from 1964. Peter Sellers at his finest.

[Arriving at Camp Sunshine]

Clouseau: I am here on official business and I am looking for someone in the recreation area.
Camp Attendant: Not unless you take off your clothes...
Clouseau: You, sir, are under arrest.
Camp Attendant: Arrest? What for?
Clouseau: For making lewd and suggestive remarks to an official of the French government.
Camp Attendant: Lewd and suggestive remarks?
Clouseau: Also for indecent exposure... doesn't anyone wear any clothes around here?
Camp Attendant: No.
Clouseau: What!
Camp Attendant: This is a nudist colony.
-------

chriswasanon says: a Joint Floratina and Chris was anon au naturale production.

She's back!!!

No not Floratina, my other half and steenking like a polecat too. Although I've never smelled a polecat. She found one of the waymerks on the Southern Upland Way. Carries a lovely otter design. Weight of it suggests that it has been made from lead, she's thrilled. I'm glad she's back out of the mist and the rain and tucked up in a nice warm bed.

Hi!

The myspace profile news.

"Zounds" actually that's Steve on the cover of the late lamented Sounds music paper. Didn't Adrian Thrills used to write for that one?

So are you gonna watch Barca v. Arsenal at the Stade de France. UEFA Champions League Final. That's on this Wednesday with an entirely reasonable kick-off time of 11. am I believe Pacific and 7. in the UK. 8 Central Europe time. France Ger, Espana, Italy etc.

Ok that was the blog.

No fresh transcription but and if the wheels of the transcriptorium start turning I'll surely let you know.

Chriswasanon

...and all was right in the byre. Welcome back, Laura!