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Steve: You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox on Indie 1031. It’s three minutes after twelve bells. Nice, summery day. It was a gorgeous weekend, absolutely gorgeous. We had a game of football yesterday against this German mob. We lost 4-2. We were all bickering around in the first half cos we…were losing so we all started moaning at each other. We kind of pulled it together for the second half and came back and got two goals. If we had another ten minutes I think we could have equalized with them. I got a goal from a corner. I kicked from the corner and it went in. That’s how…
Mr. Shovel: You bent it like Beckham.
Steve: I did. Bent it like Jonesy. It’s good, it was.
Mr. Shovel: Bent, like Jonesy.
Steve: Yep. Bent. Buckled, like Jonesy. It was gorgeous, though. Laid out and got some sun yesterday. Am I sunburnt or brown?
Mr. Shovel: A little pinkish on top of the brown.
Steve: It will be brown tomorrow. (sings) Golden brown, tan is like a orange, doo dee doo…never a frown with golden brown. What else is happening? Peter Frampton tickets?
Mr. Shovel: Yeah.
Steve: He’s not coming on The Box, you know. I just found out. He’s coming in the day of the…day he’s playing so he ain’t got time to come on The Box, which is a shame. He was good last time. What else is happening? Nothing much, is there?
Mr. Shovel: Looks like you’re ready to throw down some heavy, heavy duty rock and roll.
Steve: Yeah, I’m going to rock it today. I’m going to rock it like I’ve never rocked it before. I’m going to rock it so hard, we’re going to go into the outer atmosphere. We’re going to rock. Rock it so hard I’m going to fall off the chair. The walls are going to shake. Um. Do you like flying, Shovel? You a fan of flying?
Mr. Shovel: Not really. You mean like, a commercial airliner?
Steve: Yeah.
Mr. Shovel: No. Not at all. I don’t know anybody who does enjoy it.
Steve: Yeah…I hate it.
Mr. Shovel: Why do you ask?
Steve: I dunno. I was thinking about it over the weekend. I was just lying down, looking up and seeing these planes like, taking off and thinking how unnatural it is. You know what I mean? Like, a car, you can handle the speed and stuff but like, if a plane’s going and a hole went in the plane, you’d be sucked out. It’d be all over with. It’s like an unnatural thing.
Mr. Shovel: What’re the odds of that happening? I only remember that happening like, once or twice.
Steve: I saw it once. This plane from Hawaii. The whole roof came off. They were all sitting
there. Thank God they were strapped…some of ‘em…I think someone…one of the stewardess ladies who didn’t have a thing on went flying out the roof with it. Can you imagine that? Flying along there and all of a sudden the roof comes off. God, never fly again if I was on that plane. I don’t want to fly again, anyway.Mr. Shovel: I think it’s an irrational fear because you know, you’re just…as many weird things can happen when you’re driving a car.
Steve: I know, I know. But can you imagine being on the one plane that says, “Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. We have some bad news. We’re going to plummet into the ground, smash right into the Earth. We have two minutes before this happens.” Can you imagine that? Them two minutes?
Mr. Shovel: Yeah, that wouldn’t be very…
Steve: It wouldn’t be fun, would it? What you gonna do in them two minutes? Not much you could do. And the other thing I don’t like about flying, especially when you go on long flights and you sit next to some bloke and he’s like a carpet salesman and he tells you his life story.
Mr. Shovel: Well, you just close your eyes and act like you’re sleeping.
Steve: Yeah? But then, you do get a little talkative when you’re up there for some reason. Something happens when you’re up there, all them many miles above the Earth. You actually do start talking to complete strangers. That’s why they have them magazines with all that junk in it? Sharper Image junk, you know. “Buy this bleedin’ tease, mate cos it’s what you need right now.” And you find yourself almost wanting to buy that stuff. There’s something about being up in the atmosphere that you are a bit susceptible to being a bit silly.
Mr. Shovel: Yeah, but how you gonna buy it?
Steve: Well, you order it, don’t you?
Mr. Shovel: Have you ever ordered anything while you’re flying?
Steve: I don’t order anything when I’m on the ground, mate. Cash is king.
But the worst is when you talk to the carpet salesman or the door-to-door guy. Or the car salesman and he’s telling about his life and he’s knocking back the little shots in them…you know, five hours into it he’s like telling you his deepest secrets, how he really wears women’s panties when he’s at home with his missus and his missus don’t know. And then the plane lands and then that’s it. You don’t even say goodbye. It’s like on a movie set where everyone’s friendly and the movie ends and that’s the end.
Maybe you’d get people to talk more like, if you want to get more out of like, bad people to make ‘em talk. Take ‘em up in a plane and say, “If you don’t talk, I’m going to sling you out of this plane”. Maybe they’ll do it a little bit easier than if they was in a cell, prison cell…you know?
Mr. Shovel: Maybe people talk cos they’re nervous.
Steve: Yeah, that could be it. That could be it. (starts to play his guitar) Am I on? Should I sing a song? (laughs) What should I sing a song about?
Mr. Shovel: I think it’ll have something to do with airplanes.
Steve: Yeah, okay. Let’s see if me old harp works. Gotta get some different harps cos I can only play in A (with the one he’s been using).
(sings)
Airplanes
I don’t like to fly the friendly skies at night
They give me the willies them little capsules
flying in mid-air it’s not right
No it’s not it’s not right
it’s not meant to be
Flying is for fools and silly jackabites and jack’napes
I like it when my two feet are on the ground
and not a million miles in the air
I like it when I’m in the driving seat
not with some bloke who’s had a drink
and he flies the plane
Flying is not my style I don’t like jet planes or propeller ones
But I wouldn’t say no to a G5
if it was my own one
with no other people in it
making a mess in my G5
I wish I was mates with Bill Gates
We’d be flying high in his G5
I wish that I was mates with Bill Gates
We’d be flying around the world
in his G5
They have better mechanics on their private ones
Not like the ones on
American or United or Pan Am or TWA
I like it when the mechanic is working on my G5
he really does a thorough job
Better than the ones who are used every day
There’s more chance that you will plummet
into the ground with a load of strangers
Talking about their lives
to carpet salesmen
I’m not interested in your carpets
or your wives or your mistresses you jackabites
Carpet salesman on the plane sitting next to me
You imbecile you can take your carpets
and shove ‘em
If your carpets are so good
Why don’t you fly on one
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(BTW - yeah, "Jacobite" is the original spelling of the word, but I believe our host likes the word for what is sounds like, so I spells it "jackabite". - T)
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