Saturday, October 21, 2006

temporary post

Alright, there was a discussion about goats that took place on Friday and I'll get to work on that. In the meantime, perhaps this will amuse you. Yes, I had this on a record album when I was but a youth. The version on the album has a bit different ending and is shorter, I believe.
This has been very well transcribed by someone else
( from German, but it's as they say, "spot on", despite the lack of colons after each character's name as they speak. I'll sure you'll manage with it.

Happy Valley sketch, Monty Python 1972

Storyteller (John Cleese) Once upon a time, long, long ago, there lay in a
valley far, far away in the mountains the most contented kingdom
the world has ever known. It was called Happy Valley, and it was
ruled over by a wise old king called Otto. And all his subjects
flourished and were happy, and there were no discontents or
grumblers, because wise King Otto had had them all put to death,
along with the trade union leaders, many years before. And all
the happy folk of Happy Valley sang and danced all day long, and
anyone who was for any reason miserable or unhappy or who had any
difficult personal problem was prosecuted under the Happiness

Prosecution (Michael Palin) Caspar Schlitz, I put it to you that you were, on
February 5th this year, very depressed with malice aforethought,
and did moan quietly, contrary to the Cheerful Noises Act.

Schlitz (Terry Gilliam) I did.

Defence (Eric Idle) May I just explain, m'lud, that the reason for my
client's behaviour was that his wife had just died that morning.
[All except the accused laugh uproariously.]

Judge (Graham) Members of the jury, have you reached your verdict?

Foreman Guilty. [All laugh again.]

Judge [donning red nose] I hereby sentence you to be hanged by the neck until you cheer up. [All laugh.]

Storyteller And while the good folk of Happy Valley tenaciously
frolicked away, their wise old king, who was a merry old thing,
played strange songs on his Hammond organ all day long, up in his
castle where he lived with his gracious Queen Syllabub, and their
lovely daughter Princess Mitzi Gaynor, who had fabulous tits and
an enchanting smile and a fine wit, and wooden teeth which she'd
bought in a chemist's in Augsburg, despite the fire risk. She
treasured these teeth, which were made of the finest pine and she
varnished them after every meal. And next to her teeth, her
dearest love was her pet rabbit Herman. She would take Herman
for long walks, and pet and fuss over him all day. And she would
visit the royal kitchens and steal him tasty tit-bits which he
never ate, because, sadly, he was dead, and no one had the heart
to tell her because she was so sweet and innocent and new nothing
of death or gastro-enteritis, or even plastic hip joints.

One day when she was romping with Herman, she suddenly set eyes
on the most beautiful young man she had ever seen, and fell
deeply in love with him, naturally assuming him to be a prince.
Well, fortunately he was a prince, so she found him in the book,
which her mother made her always carry, [she opens a bird-
spotting book at a page headed "EBERHARD, PRINZ" opposite a
photo of him] and learned his name, and went and introduced
herself, and the subject of marriage. And he fell deeply in
love with her, and in what seemed like the twinkling of an eye,
but was in fact a fortnight, they were in her father's lounge,
asking his permission to marry.

[Otto sits at his organ howling a strange song. He finishes and
Mitzi and the prince applaud politely. He starts another.
Caption "Spaeter am selben Nachmittag" {Later that afternoon}.]

Mitzi (Connie) Daddy.

Otto (Terry J) Yes, daughter.

Mitzi We have something to ask you.

Otto A request!

Eberhard (John) Sir, may I have your daughter's hand in marriage?

Otto Well, I don't know it, but if you hum it I'll soon pick it up.

Eberhard No sir, I really do wish to marry your daughter, sir.

Otto Oh. Are you a prince?

Prince Yes, sir.

Otto Is he in the book?

Mitzi Yes, Daddy.

Otto Do you really love my daughter?

Prince I do.

Otto Well in that case, I must set you a task to prove you worthy of
her hand in marriage.

Eberhard [standing] I accept.

Otto You must climb to the highest part of the castle, first thing
tomorrow morning, armed only with your sword, and jump out of the

[Later: A crowd waits expectantly in the street below the castle.]

Villager (Terry J?) Hey look, there he is!

[The crowd look up, clapping and cheering. Eberhard, up on the
castle tower, waves, wets his finger to test the wind, then
plummets to his death. The crowd laugh and cheer.]

Mitzi Can we get married now, Daddy?

Otto No, I'm afraid not, daughter, he wasn't worthy of you.

Mitzi Oh Daddy! Will he have to go into the ground like all the others?

[Cut to a cemetary where a coffin is being cheerfully lowered
into a grave.]

Mitzi Come on, Herman. [She walks away, dragging Herman.]

Storyteller And so Mitzi and Herman went down to the river bank to see
if they could find another prince. Everyone was fishing that
day, the carpenter and the candlemaker and the blacksmith and the
window-dresser and his friend, and the hangman and all his
apprentices, and the secret policeman, and the narcotics salesman
and his aunty, but not a prince for miles. Until... Mitzi's eyes
suddenly spotted the slightest flash of gold underneath a weeping
willow tree and there, sure enough, was a prince. (Michael Palin)

He was rather thin and spotty with a long nose and bandy legs and
nasty unpolished plywood teeth but, thought Mitzi, a prince is a
prince, and she fell in love with him without another thought.
[She leaps on top of him and engages him passionately.] And
after a time, or a few times anyway, he too fell in love with
her. And very soon they were on their way to ask King Otto's
permission to wed, as this prince didn't read the newspapers any
more than the others did, [they walk past a news stand on which
is written "Die Happy Valley ??? Ein ??? Prinz ??? ??? ???" -
sorry, it's too small and unclear on my recording] decadent,
dim-witted, parasitic little bastards that they were.
[They come across Queen Syllabub romping with a black man.]

Syllabub (Graham Chapman) [getting up hurriedly] What! Oh! Ha ha ha!
Oh, hello, darling.

Mitzi This is my mother the Queen, and, er, this is, er, ...

Syllabub This is my new algebra teacher, Dr Erasmus.

Erasmus Hello there.

Syllabub Don't stare, darling. And who is this?

Mitzi Oh, this is Prince Walter.

Syllabub Oh.

Mitzi We were just going down to Daddy for permission to get married.

Syllabub Ah, well I want to talk to him about that. I'll see you
about the binomial theorem in the wood shed at eight o'clock, Dr.

Erasmus I'll bring the baby oil, Queen.

Syllabub Yes. Ahem.

Mitzi Does Daddy like Dr Erasmus?

Syllabub I wouldn't mention him, darling. He's a bit funny about darker people.

Mitzi I know nothing of racial prejudice.

Syllabub Good. Well I'll talk to him first.

[Syllabub enters the lounge where Otto is at his organ, howling
one of his songs.]

Syllabub Stop that and listen to me! Now! [She pulls the plug out.]

Otto Plug my organ in.

Syllabub Ha, that's a joke. Now, listen to me.

Otto What! What is it?

Syllabub I've got something important to tell you. Mitzi's coming in a
moment with another prince.

Otto Yeugh. [He begins howling one of his songs.]

Syllabub Look, will you stop that again!

Otto Huh, princes!

Syllabub Well there soon won't be any left, thanks to you. Now just you
make sure you make that task nice and easy, otherwise I'll smash your organ.

Otto Can I play at the wedding?

Syllabub Yes.

Otto All right, all right. I could play that one about "Yum de boo ptang..."

Syllabub The king agrees to see you now.

Mitzi Hallo Daddy!

Otto Come in, child.

Mitzi This is Prince Walter.

Otto Eeeugh! Is he in the book?

Mitzi Yes.

Otto Oh, hello Walter.

Walter (Michael Palin) Prince Walter.

Otto [sarcastically] Oh, so sorry! So you want to marry my daughter, do you?

Walter Perhaps.

Mitzi Oh, say you do, and bring me such joy as I have never tasted

Walter Yeah, all right.

Otto All right. First I must set you a task, so you may prove
yourself worthy of my daughter's hand in marriage.

Walter Why?

Otto Because she's a f[bleep]ing princess, that's why! You must go
tomorrow morning to the highest part of the castle... [Syllabub
hits him.] You must go, um... [Syllabub threatens him again] er,
go down to the shops and get me twenty Rothmans.


Otto Tomorrow morning.

Storyteller And so, early next morning, all the happy villagers were
gathered to watch Prince Walter set off on his quest.

[From a dais outside the castle, on which King, Queen and
Princess sit, Prince Walter walks, holding a banknote, past the
villagers down the street to the tobacconist. He emerges holding
a packet of cigarettes aloft triumphantly to cheers from the
crowd. He walks back up the street to the dais, on which Mitzi
is jumping up and down excitedly.]

Walter Here are your fags. [He tosses them to Otto.]

Otto [grudgingly] Thank you, Walter.

Walter Prince Walter!

Syllabub Well done, Prince Walter.

Otto [standing] Loyal subjects, faithful followers, this is indeed a
proud moment for the Queen and myself. For this is the moment
when Princess Mitzi marries Prince Walter. But first, a little
number I've written, entitled "Ya Te Buckety Rum Ting Ftoo".
[Everyone sings "Ya Te Buckety Rum Ting Ftoo" accompanied by
Otto. But then Prince Charming draws up on a horse.]

Charming (Eric Idle) Halt, halt! Halt, I prithee, gentle king.

Syllabub Who are you? What do you want? [to Otto] Belt up!

Charming I am Prince Charming, from the Kingdom of the Golden Lakes,
good Sir King. Page four in the book. And I crave the hand of
your most beautiful daughter, Princess Mitzi.

Walter You're too late.

Charming What?

Walter I've got her, Charming, now buzz off.

Syllabub Now, wait a minute, Mitzi is not betrothed yet.

Walter What? He said, if I went and got him twenty Rothmans I could have her.

Charming Got you twenty Rothmans?

Walter I had to go down to the town.

Charming For Princess Mitzi?

Otto Yes.

Charming For this priceless treasure? For this most perfect of all God's creatures?

Mitzi [to Syllabub] I think I'm falling in love again.

Charming For this finest and most delicate flower in the whole of this
geographical area, I will face in mortal combat that most dreaded of all creatures.

Mitzi, Syllabub & Otto: A dragon?!

Charming And I shall slay it, single-handed, to prove myself worthy of your enchanting daughter, O King.

Otto I accept.

Walter What?

Otto I accept. Tomorrow morning, then.

Walter Where's he going to get a dragon from?

Charming I provide my own.

[Later: The rear of a horse box opens. A dragon, all of 18 inches long,
emerges. Prince Charming fights it matador-style, then draws a
pistol and shoots it. The crowd cheer.]

Otto Loyal subjects, by virtue of Prince Charming's noble deed, I now consent to give him Princess Mitzi's hand in marriage. But first, the B side of my latest single.

Walter I'll be revenged on the lot of you!

[Otto plays and everybody starts singing "Ya Te Buckety...".]

Storyteller Nobody in Happy Valley worried about Prince Walter's
threats, and the joyous day soon arrived for the royal wedding.

[Interior of cathedral. Otto is up in the organ loft.
Everyone sings "Ya Te Buckety, Rum Ting Ftoo, Ni Ni Ni, Yaooo."]

Priest (John) Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join together this man, Prince Charming, and this woman, Princess Mitzi Gaynor, in holy matrimony. If there be anyone who\knoweth just cause or impediment why these two should not be joined

[There is a loud boom. A witch enters, followed by Prince Walter.]

Witch Yes, 'tis I, the wicked witch, Ya ha ha!

Priest: Witch, you commit sacrilege here by your very presence. I command you in the name of the Good Book, to leave this holy place forthwith.

Witch Shut up!

Priest Sorry, sorry.

Witch Now, where's the King? Where's the King? Where's the King?

[The congregation point upwards.]

Otto Oh, me. I'm terribly sorry, I was miles away.

Witch I forbid this marriage to take place.

Chancellor You forbid it?

Witch Who are you?

Chancellor I am the Lord Chancellor, you old hag! How dare you speak thus to our... [The witch casts spells, turning him successively into a lampshade, then a dog, a soda syphon, a rabbit, and back into himself.] Aah!

Witch Now, watch it! Now, Mitzi marry Prince Walter, or I curse the lot of you, and your aunties.

Otto Mitzi marries Prince Charming.

Witch I'm warning you!

Otto Carry on with the ceremony.

Priest Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...

Witch Very well. I hereby change every single person in this cathedral
into chickens! [then as a shocked afterthought, too late] Except me!

[Everyone is turned into chickens.]

Chicken [wearing witch's hat] Oh, bugger.

the end.

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