Steve: You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox, Indie 1031. Five minutes after twelve bells. (Picks up guitar) Just arranging myself here…
Try my axe: (strums). Yes, in tune…try my harmonica: (blows a few notes) Yes, that works. My voice: (sings a few scales) La la la la la la la. La la la la la la la. La la la la la la la. Yes, that works too. Then look at me phone: Yes, got a couple of bars there. Got a couple of drinks (bottles clink together in background) right there. Ready to go. Just wasted two minutes explaining what’s going on here.
(big sigh) I’m absolutely knackered. I couldn’t be more knackered. Played football last night. Played the whole game, ninety minutes. We beat this team 4-1. I was running around like a lunatic. I had so much fun. Scored a goal, but I woke up this morning…I actually got up early cos I thought I was going to have a meeting with someone early, but it didn’t happen. So I couldn’t go back to bed and now I was just twiddling me thumbs for like, two hours and I have just absolutely zero energy. But I brought some energetic, what you might call, “rock and roll” today. Actually, Rhino have a good box set out right now. It’s all goth stuff, it’s pretty good. Comes in some good…comes in a leather corset, which I got rid of because it’s way too small for me. I don’t even think it would fit, um…what do they call them people who can’t eat? Anorexic. I don’t think it’d even fit one of them, it’s so tiny. Cos it just kind of covers the box set. But maybe it’d fit on a dog, like a greyhound. Probably fit on a greyhound, the corset. If anyone needs a corset for their greyhound, let me know. I have no use to it. (strums guitar) Oh, that sounds nice.
(sings some of “More Than A Feeling”)
I woke up this morning the sun was gone
La la my music and get my day
Dream of a girl I used to know
…eyes and she drift away
Steve: Aw, I wish I knew that bit that joined up with the chorus.
(singing again) More than a feeling…
Steve: No, let me change it:
I am knackered
And I can’t get no sleep right now
I’m so knackered
And I la la la la
I feel I need a nap right now…
Steve: Aw, I can’t even think straight. Got any ideas for songs, Shovel, or see what happens?
Mr. Shovel: You don’t have to do a song.
Steve: I know, but I like to push meself. What have I spoke about? Anything, anything significant?
Mr. Shovel: Just your basic “knackered”…
Steve: Okay, knackered. (starts out on harmonica) I can’t even blow the bleedin’ harmonica. (Struggles with harmonica slopping and snorting, until he stumbles upon an interesting sound) Ay, that sounds like a Rolf Harris thing! (continues)
Mr. Shovel: Didgeridoo.
(it sounds surprisingly like one)
(Steve starts a song and Mr. Shovel joins in with some Rolf Harris-like percussion)
I’m so knackered at twelve bells
I’m so knackered in ze evening
Why am I so knackered all the time
I need some crackeroon
to pick me up at noo-oo-oon
I’m so knackered all the time
I’m so knackered it’s so not my kind
In the evening
Oh I can’t even think, let me whistle again
(jumps back to the “didgeridoo” and by now Mr. Shovel has added that weird Rolf Harris panting sound as an accompaniment until the song ends, or rather, until it knackers out.)