October 23, 2006 Faces

Steve: Why do blokes get facelifts? Why do dudes get facelifts? It is the most ridiculous thing. I was in this restaurant yesterday and you know, I like to look at people. There was this bloke with his missus, it looked like, and he’s obviously just had a facelift, this guy, a fresh one.

Mr. Shovel: How could you tell?

Steve: How could you tell? It’s like a bad wig. You can tell. Everyone knows…

Mr. Shovel: How could you tell it was fresh?

Steve: Because it looked like…it looked so uncomfortable on the guy’s face, you know? And he’d run into a couple of people that he hadn’t seen in a while, probably prior to the facelift and he’s talking to them and they’re talking to him and I could see the uncomfortableness between both parties. Like I said, it’s like a bad wig. You’re talking to someone and you can see this thing above his head. Everyone knows, but no one says anything. (laughs) And as the poor guy was leaving, I saw him look back to see if anyone was looking at him. So it’s obviously a new one. He ain’t used to it himself, yet. I’m sure there’s parts of him thinking, “What have I done?” Cos blokes shouldn’t be doing it. The worst of all, the biggest macho man of all is Burt Reynolds. Have you seen what his looks like? I think – and I like Burt Reynolds – but it’s like he’s gone overboard. I mean, if he has it pulled back any more, his ears’ll be touching. It ridiculous. It ain’t a man thing to do. Rule Number One.

Mr. Shovel: But it’s okay for women?

Steve: Well, birds do it…birds are gonna do what they’re gonna do. It actually…I’m not a big fan of it, birds pull it off better than guys because their skin’s different. Guys ain’t meant to have like, doll-faces.

Mr. Shovel: What are they meant to have?

Steve: Dudes are meant to look like dudes…rugged looking, you know?

Mr. Shovel: Okay.

Steve: The day I…I still think Keith Richards looks good, even though he looks like haggard and knackered. It’s him. He’s comfortable with himself. There’s something not right with someone…it’s this town, as well, it makes you do things like that. You get caught up in it. I don’t see farmers in the Midwest getting facelifts when they’re like, fifty.

Mr. Shovel: That’s true.

Steve: It’s out of order.

Mr. Shovel: But then again, there’s not a lot of competition out there.

Steve: Yep. It’s just a different way. Even two hours outside of L.A. it’s different. Anyway. The thing is: blokes, mates, geezers, ice creams, when you get a facelift, everybody knows. It’s just like a bad wig. Everybody knows. And they’re laughing at you when you walk by.

Mr. Shovel: Funny little boat race.

Steve: Yeah. Funny little boat race…(briefly launches into a modified version of “All The Young Dudes”) Oh well. What can you do. Although I have had some surgery. I had a knob reduction once. Did I tell you that?

Mr. Shovel: No, I didn’t realize you had a problem.

Steve: No, it wasn’t a problem. Girls couldn’t take it, that’s all. I had to have a reduction.

Mr. Shovel: Maybe they took a little too much off…?

Steve: No, no, no. Actually, I could cut a little bit more off. I might go back. Maybe I’ll run into Burt Reynolds, give him a little bit for the back of his head.