Steve: (the first thing we hear is Steve playing a series of notes on his guitar) “Harmonics”, that’s called. (plays more) How Billy Gibbons plays.
Mr. Shovel: Eric Clapton does that a lot.
Steve: (continues to play, sounds like chimes. It reminds him of something) Here’s a better one. "Bring out your dead!" The Black Plague. It was fleas in the rats. Bring out your dead. Jonesy’s Jukebox. I feel dreadful today. I dunno what, if it’s…I dunno if it was that three-hour BBC documentary I watched on pedophiles that made me feel weird today, or it was just, there’s so much smog in the air. I can’t…maybe it’s a combination. But my friend burned me this horrible documentary of pedophiles. It was so disturbing. And then I fell asleep. That was the last thing I watched before I dozed off, you know, and it’s just horrible, that stuff. How rotten some grown-ups can be with kids. If I was the President, I would put them all on an island, you know, like “Papillion”? They had that island. Island for criminals, to let them get on with it, just put them on an island. You don’t even have to kill ‘em. Just let them do what they want to do on a bleedin’ island. Obviously, make sure there’s no kids on the island. Just let them you know, carve little kids out of trees and make ‘em have sex with that or something. That’s what they’d probably end up doing. You know what I mean? And just let them get on with it; but just get them away from society cos they’re…it’s just a…it’s funny. You can kind of…they’ve got a look about them, too.
Mr. Shovel: What do they look like?
Steve: They just a…I dunno. It’s hard to, it’s hard to put a finger on it but there’s a “look”. And their houses are always a mess. Is your house a mess, Mr. Shovel? (laughs)
Mr. Shovel: That’s why I asked (laughs)
Steve: No, no I mean, their gaffs are like, just dumps, you know. And they’ve always got the curtains pulled and it’s a hellish life, you can tell they’re living in hell. But any way, it’s like when you watch them videos of a…”Faces Of Death”. You’re kind of drawn to it, but after you’ve watched it, for me anyway, I don’t know about anyone else…(my) brain is so contaminated and with evil thoughts and image that have just gone into your photobank, in your brain, you know. I guess it’s not much different than…watching Fox 11. They kind of strive for that same, same thing, really. Kind of like (imitating news reporter) “Live. Here at the scene - a shooting!” and it’s that thing, it’s like a double-edged sword that you want to watch it and then when you watch it, you think the whole world is like that. And that’s why people are paranoid when they’re out in the streets and they’re feared-up, locking their doors behind ‘em and it ain’t, there ain’t a lot of that…you know, I mean, there is horrible stuff going on, but the whole world ain’t doing that. There ain’t a shooting on every corner you know, and high-speed chases on every bleedin’ highway. It’s just a funny old world we live in. But you know, I guess it’s that thing of like, if you, if you want to watch it, they’ll provide it for ya. If there’s no one watching it, they’ll go on to something else, the media.
Mr. Shovel: They’re not there for…
Steve: They’re providing what we’re kind of craving, in a way. It’s a double edged-sword.
Mr. Shovel: That’s why they’ll follow a high-speed chase for two hours because you’ll sit there and watch it for two hours cos you want to see if they’ll shoot the guy at the end.
Steve: Exactly. Exactly. (guitar is heard in b.g. throughout rest of dialogue) But I feel all totally like, worn out from it. I went and had breakfast this morning. A couple of people I knew in there said, “Ooh, you look knackered today”. I went, “Yeah, I know”.
Mr. Shovel: You just need a shave.
Steve: I think it’s more than that. Arsenal and Barcelona are playing right now. Champions League Final. Obviously there’s no score or I would get a…someone would tell me by now. I have my men. What would you do with pedophiles if you was the President? There don’t seem like there’s much recovery.
Mr. Shovel: I don’t know. I think, enforcing the existing laws.
Mr. Shovel: It’s hard to, it’s hard to catch those people.
Steve: And the sickening thing about all this, these ones that they were tracking for over years, they actually, finally, got them to court and charged them, and they basically got off with hardly any punishment.
Mr. Shovel: Putting people out after they’ve served time…there’s no rehabilitating a pedophile.
Steve: It doesn’t seem like it.
Mr. Shovel: So, maybe it’s politically incorrect, but why wouldn’t you just castrate somebody.
Steve: Yeah, but then the mind is still thinking the same thing, you know what I mean? That would be even worse for one of ‘em because they’re still thinking the thoughts.
Mr. Shovel: Right. It’s tough.
Steve: I think…there’s got to be like, one of them leper islands that is vacant.
Mr. Shovel: Yeah, then we can make a TV show out of it.
Steve: Yeah, like…”Pedophile Survivor”.
Mr. Shovel: Um hmm.
Steve: (U.S. accent) That’s a great idea, I’m gonna call Fox 11 right now and tell ‘em!
Mr. Shovel: It’ll be like “Lost”.
Steve: Yeah. “Lost Boys”.
Mr. Shovel: Lost their boys.
Steve: Oh, no. I shouldn’t make…it’s not funny. But it is, in a way, but I don’t know. Maybe they can abuse snakes on this little island. Baby snakes.
Mr. Shovel: Coconuts. You can do a lot with a coconut.
Steve: Yeah, exactly. They must be removed. If I was El Presidente…remove their mancheefrills. And their tentacles.
Mr. Shovel: We could make ‘em be the guys who drive around waiting for bombs to blow up.
Steve: Exactly. Some use. They wouldn’t do it, though. They’re cowards.
Mr. Shovel: A few good men.
Steve: Yeah. There’s a lot of it that goes on though, you know. Apparently, I don’t know if this is true, I was told that one in three kids have had some kind of fondled in their lifetime. Some kind of weird stuff. That means there’s either there’s a small amount who are doing a lot of overtime, pedophiles. Or there’s a lot of pedophiles.
Mr. Shovel: The thing is, people repeat what they’ve had done to them.
Mr. Shovel: This is very heavy. You’re talking about heavy…!
Steve: Yeah. (stops playing guitar) Let’s play a song that I didn’t play yesterday, I didn’t have it (it was the whistle) But this is not…(both start laughing, the title is ironic) I didn’t mean this, but this is Brittany Fox, “Girl’s School”. Take it away, Mr. Shovel.