Some people bite their tongues I bite my fingers. Enough. Fresh from about 45 minutes of Craig Fergusson and a trip to an ostritch farm last night's re-run I mean. Well no sooner did I crow and rave about the hot tub possibility from yesterday's post, then Tina was on the case. Tina is like that.
So if you want to pull and really get 'em to come back to your place never mind lines of coke, soft music, etchings, Jamie Reid flags, 2 controllers on a playstation. Take Steve's advice and just say you got some 3 inch stilletos and a subscription to the history channel and then hit that crumpet in the eyeballs by pickin' up on Mr. Shovel and give 'em some of the old razzle dazzle 'em hot tub baby this evening, hot tub baby tonight - apologies to Donna Summer. Actually apologies to everybody. Ah yes when we brave Brits stood alone against the might of the Luftwaffe. Well that's what I would watch on the History Channel back to back. Squadron scramble! Cue the dogfights over Southern England. I'm bailing out now Ginger......
Tina here. All right. Here's something to tide you over. This one features a goodly amount of input from Mr. Shovel, always a treat.
Tina IS at the controls.
Steve starts out the show playing an instrumental number on his guitar and harmonica.
Steve: That was a song I wrote.
Mr. Shovel: Is that your new opening theme?
Steve: It’s called “Thin Air”. You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox on Indie 1031. It’s a…
Ooh mao mao ma ma ooh mao mao
Ooma mao mao ma pa ooh mao mao
Ooma mao mao ba ba ooh mao mao
Ooma mao mao pa pa ooh mao mao
(he gleefully sings variations on this theme, then comes to a stop)
Steve: Ooh, it’s starting to stink, this mouth organ. How do you clean it?
Mr. Shovel: Soak it in water.
Steve: Is that what you do? Just put it in water?
Mr. Shovel: Or whiskey.
Steve: No, I can’t do that. Maybe I’ll soak it in methadone or something. Oh, it stinks…cos I just take it off, I blow it here, all my germs and then I put it in the drawer and I get it out and I just realized that it’s starting to uh…smell a bit fffungus-y. Eeegh. Do we have any wipers here to clean it? Any interns, any lower eschelons who can clean my equipment?
Mr. Shovel: Yeah, but who’s gonna take care of the harmonica?
Steve: (strumming his guitar as he goes along) Oohh yer good. Yer on fire. It’s cold today. Did you notice that it was cold? Yesss. I had problems this morning. I had plumber problems. I’ve had nothing to eat, no coffee, nothing. Ohh…can I get it through the two hours? There must be a wiper here, someone.
Mr. Shovel: You had a problem with your plumbing, so you couldn’t eat?
Steve: Well, I couldn’t get out the house cos the didn’t get there ‘til like, uh…what is it, like nine thirty, ten? And they were there like, an hour and a half so I left at eleven thirty to get here, which I flew along there and I had a load of twigs. Cos my house is on a concrete slab so, you know, twigs find you know, roots get in, they find a way. It’s amazing, they find a way into metal pipes. It’s the power of nature. So they come and clean them out cos it was blocked up and a couple of other things that he did. It’s all good now, two hundred dollars later.
Mr. Shovel: You got off cheap.
Steve: Yeah. My pool pump broke last week. I’ve got to get a new pump…and they convinced me to get a bigger filter and uh, I was actually thinking of getting a heater with it, too cos I’ve never had a heater there cos I just wait until the Summer and then the sun kind of heats it up but maybe you’d get more crumpet over there if you had the pool hot in the…
Mr. Shovel: I’ve got two words for ya. “Hot tub”.
Steve: Hot tub…
Mr. Shovel: Hot tub.
Steve: They’re such a pain, though. I had one before. They are a pain in the...booty. They take a lot of maintenance. There’s always like, bugs flying themselves around near ‘em. All the equipment is…they’re always damp and it ain’t worth it. Cos the amount of time that you use it, once a week, once a month…
Mr. Shovel: If your concern is trying to get more crumpet up there…
Steve: Well, swimming pool’s better.
Mr. Shovel: I don’t know about that.
Steve: It just kind of does itself and they come up once a week.
Mr. Shovel: Hot tub is the magic word.
Mr. Shovel: Um hmm…
Steve: It’s like saying, uh…”cocaine”.
Mr. Shovel: Yeah.
Steve: That one used to work a lot. “I have some blow back at my house. Would you like it?” But now I say, “I have the History Channel on. Would you like to see it?” That one don’t work as much anymore. Or…”I just got a new boxed set of David Bowie. Would you like to come back and listen to it?” Oh, what other ones is there that you can use now? “I have these high heels. Would you like to come back and model them for a couple of hundred dollars?” You know, something like that.
(he takes this opportunity to launch back into the oooh mao mao thing again)
I’ve got the History Channel on
Do you want to come and see
Got the History Channel on
Do you want to come and see…
(he stops singing) Oh, I dropped me bloody pick. Oh, let’s play a song. Oh, I’ve got to take this off, man, it stinks. Let’s play some kind of bluesy stuff. Take it away, Mr. Shovel.
Sometime later, after playing some records, Steve is back at it with some music of his own, so romantic.
(Roadhouse blues style)
Oh can’t you see me sitting here baby
In my water of bubbles
I’m out at the club
Looking for some love
I can’t find no action here
What is wrong
Tell me what is wrong
I gotta get me a card that says
HOT TUB on it now
What's the magic word
Is it cocaine
Is it fancy car
No it’s HOT TUB
That is the magic word
You’ve gotta see Mr. Shovel
He knows what the magic word is
I’m gonna go down to The Viper
On a Monday night
I’m looking for some love
I ain’t looking for a fight
I want a hot tub
There’s got to be some bitches
For the hot tub
But I can’t do it
Cos I don’t have the hot tub in there yet
But I can fill up my baff
And have a laugh
Let some gas out of my ass
In the hot tub
That’s what I’m talking about baby
Just wear a little ole gas mask
And it’s be just like the real thing
Hot tub hot love
Hot tub lovin hot tub
Wish washy wahshy washy
Show me where the hot tub love
Is all about
Joint Tina and Chriswasanon production.