Friday, April 14, 2006

The Angel Of Anarchy In All His Gory Glory April 13, 2006

The first musical set ends and alien sci-fi music fades in.

Steve: (Sounding raspy and evil like the very Devil) Yes. I’m back. The Devil’s Concubine. MMmmm. MMMMMM. You thought you got rid of me, didn’t you? But I’m back with a vengeance, darlings. More satanic majesties. I am the Angel of Anarchy! And you can’t defy! That was Upper Crust. “Let Them Eat Rock”. MMMmmm. Never better words spoken in the Queen’s english. Let the peasants eat rock. They’re not good for anything else. Lower the drawbridge, raise the taxes!

Then we had the Bangkok Five. I love that middle word. Bangkok! Mmmm…veddy erotic. That song was called…WHERE'S MY MUSIC? (music surges again) Mmmm. I like that spacey sound. It’s a new, improved sound…from my spaceship up in the stratosphere looking down at all you peons. “Who’s Gonna Take Us Alive?” The Bangkok Five. Then we had a long, long lost ancestor of mine, Danko Jones and that song was called, “Hot Damn Woman”. MMMmm. I love sexual overtones. Then we had “Breaking The Law”! That’s verse five of Chapter Four in my bible. Breaking the law! And we started off with Fu Manchu and that song was called, “Written In Stone”.

Everything I say is written in stone, somewhere.

Stonehenge, there’s some words about me somewhere there. (his music stops for a few beats, then starts again) Where’s my godd…there it is.
(Mr. Shovel can be heard laughing in the background)
We’ve got to find some new music, Mr. Shovel, (trying to keep from laughing) that’s not working. I’m gonna visit The Duke…and ask him if he has any harlequin music. I will be back. Woouuahhh. Woooaaaah. Take it away.


(Intro to the second set. The space music has been replaced by ominous monster chiller music)

The Angel Of Anarchy: Yes. The Hounds of The Baskerville, Lady Darbanville and you other morons out there with your gremlings. You have no idea of the pain I feel.
(now with reverb)
I was born of an infant with a nail in my head, do you understand? I can’t remove it, it’s lodged in-between my membranes. I’ve had attempted surgery. But I’m gonna have fun this summer banging nails in other people’s heads. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?


(The second set of songs has just ended )

The Angel Of Anarchy: …that one was called, “She’s Got The Jack”. I don’t know what they’re inferring to, but its some sexual overtones or undertones. That’s another band from Ireland, The Undertones.
(The Angel is struggling with something, must be the reverb button)
Urg! Urk! ug…that’s more like it! (echoes)
That’s better. (laughter in the background) Don’t laugh! I’m in my castle. That’s what I was missing.
(now the sinister music fades back in)
We had Iggy Pop and The Stooges. Oooh, Stoooges, that’s a fantastic word. The song was called, “Gimme Danger”, in the manger.

Ain’t that where Jesus was born, in the manger?
(doesn’t realize that his mood music has trailed off)
Not the minge, the manger, you FOOL...danger! What is wrong with you?!!
It’s Easter this week…eeaagghhHHHHH!
(lapses into a convulsion of agonized outcries that echo throughout his “castle”)
Where’s my music!!
(sinister music slithers back in again as Mr. Shovel laughs)

We started off with Danzig. Hmmmmm. That’s better. I feel fuzzy wuzzy now. Yesss. “Dirty Black Summer” .

Is my potion ready? It’s wearing off again!!
(evil music surges, even louder this time)
WooooaaaGGHHH!!! (more agonized hollering like a mad B-movie scientist, it sounds like it's painful)

(they go to commercial)

(intro to third set of songs)

Angel Of Anarchy: (we hear his groans and that evil music)
If you’re just tuning in, I am the Angel Of Anarchy.
Prepare to be defied.
There’s a whole wasteland that isn’t discovered and…


(The third set of songs has just ended. The evil music is back, but now the reverb is missing)

Angel Of Anarchy: You are listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox, Angel Of Anarchy…that was the HELLacopters and that song was called, “Everything’s On TV”.
Then we had Kiss – some concubines of mine – from a later era. From back in time, when make-up was cheap. That song was called, “Strutter”.
Ohhh. I shudder to think.
And then we had Turbo Negro from Lichtenstein or somewhere in that vicinity. That’s song is called, “Self Destructo Bust” - that’s a WARNING for all you nubiles with plastic knockers. It could happen to you! Be careful. You must find the right surgeon. There has been many mistakes made. I will come ‘round and bang nails in them! OOOOH, can you imagine. CAN YOU IMAGINE THE CARNAGE?

Then we had Wolf Mother “White Unicorn” was the name of that song. Oohaaaaghh. Unicorn, that’s a sign from God. Keep him away. No more unicorns for me.

Then we started off with my old friend, Alex Harvey doing a good classic called, “Faith Healer”. (groans)

Why is it so cold in here, Mr. Shovel? It’s meant to be HELL! (the reverb is back, by the way) Put some more humans on the fire! Stoke up this place. They don’t call it’s “Stoker’s Dracula” for nothing. STOKE IT UP!! WHAAAAA!


(fade in, monster scary music just before the forth set of songs)

Angel Of Anarchy: Yesss…I love the descent on the harpsichord. It makes my cloak stand on end.

That REMINDS ME Mr. Shovel, I must get a new turban. I’ve lost the jewels in this one. It MUST have been last week, when I beheaded twenty children…for insolence. And let me warn you it could happen to you, too.

No one is extinct from my madness.
(aside to Mr. Shovel) Does that make sense?

Mr. Shovel: No.

Angel of Anarchy: Well, it SOUNDED good at the time.
(the music has paused and Mr. Shovel can be heard laughing, then the music fades back in)
It’s all the Devil’s work.

(aside again to Mr. Shovel) Is it the "Devil"...who am I?
(Mr. Shovel is still laughing in the b.g)
(bellowing again) I’M SOMEONE LIKE HIM!! I can’t go out in the sunshine.

Mr. Shovel: That would be a vampire.

Angel of Anarchy: (suddenly reasonable) Yes, I don’t think I’m a vampire, am I? (umpy again) What do you want me to be? I DON’T KNOW! Waaaaa! WAGHH! WAGAAHHHHHHHH!

(The forth set of songs has just ended. Fade in scary music yet again)

Angel of Anarchy: (utters a sort of sigh-groan, complaining now) I’m so tired of this voice, (creepy music has faded and he is echoing a capella) but I must go to the end. Just to be true to myself. I’d feel like such a phony if I’d come back in with the Steve Jones cockney voice right now. It doesn’t make any sense. (the evil music settles back in like a fog) So I will continue to two bells. BEAR WITH ME Los Angeles, Orange County, a little bit of that PCH and Ventura Boulevard.

I’m gonna spray you all with concubine and incubus-succubus. (nagging) You will enjoy, do you hear me? I will MAKE you understand.

Anyway, never mind that. That was the New York Dolls from their second album (groans, getting a bit worn out) Ohh. Jesus Christ. “Too Much Too Soon” was the name of that son…(catches himself) ALBUM. (to himself) Idiot. That song was, “Who Are The Mystery Girls”.
I wouldn’t mind a mystery girl tonight myself! Just show up at the doorstep, would you and do what I tell you. You will hate it, but you will please an old man. I will give you a cloak and a Jonesy’s Jukebox pin. (burst of laughter from both, then) STOP IT, I’M NOT MEANT TO LAUGH, THIS IS THE WRONG CHARACTER.

We had The Damned, yes. THAT name rings a bell. THE DAAAAAMNED! And that song was called, “Problem Child”. If any of you problem parents have problem childs, you must bring ‘em to me…and I will correct them. I HAVE WAYS! I will put ‘em in my army for two years and they will come back saying, “Yes ma’am, no ma’am” That IS what you want, isn’t it? You don’t want insolence from juveniles! DO YOU UNDERSTAND? (clears throat) Never mind.

Then we had Early Man and that song was called, (very closely) “Feeding Frenzy”. YEESS. I like THAT. That rings true to my…membranes with the nail in it. Feeeeeding frenzzzy. Oh, Burning Brides! “Leave No Ashes”. That song was called, “Suicide”’s not. But it’s next to the 1. that said “Suicide”…I just LIKE THAT WORD! (perturbed) Who cares what it’s called!! It’s just rock and roll. Yesss. I created a form of rock and roll, myself. (cue scary background music again) Yeh, I love that declining harpsichord sound. That just makes my hat stand on end. That makes my pointed shoes curl up. My jaffa cake shoes. Do you ever heard of jaffa cake, Mr. Shovel?

Mr. Shovel: No.

Angel of Anarchy: (almost convivial) Quite delicious. Although they did give me heartburn. But take some Pepto Bismol. Only the type that has smoke comin’ out of it, though. I can’t drink normal drinks they have to have smoke comin’ out my drinks. MMMMMMmmm. (continuing his song listing) Then we had The Sword. “Age Of Winters” Uuugh. Listen, doesn’t that sound right with my voice? (becomes more aggravated) I’ll say it again for you for you idiots who ain’t listening. The SWORD. “AGE OF WINTERS”!! WOOOAAHH. And that song was called, “Iron Swan”. Yessss.

We’re almost there, Mr. Shovel. Where’s my cane? I want to beat something! Bring me that rat from the corner. I want to knock his block off. I’m annoyed with myself and everyone around me. I don’t know what’s goin’ on, but who cares!! (getting louder) I’M THE MAN WHO CAN FOR TWO HOURS A DAAAAAYYY!!! WaaaaAAAA! DUKE!

(last little bit of the show is all that’s left after this last set of commercials. The sound of lightly tormented beings of some kind or other - that sound oddly like our host - echo in the distance through the “castle”)

Angel of Anarchy: Why do my pets make noise…haven’t they been fed, Mr. Shovel?! (commanding) Feed that hog! What are they doing? Are they having sexual intercourse again what is going on I thought you put the salt peter in their food. (a bit poncey here) You MUST calm those animals, Mister Shovel. (PUNCHY AGAIN) I pay you good money, board and keep. (there’s that music again) Why do you do this? Such insolence. Yesss, I love the sounds of my beasts…gargoyles…jackabites and apes…monkeys with silver heads, personally painted by me. (the beasts are still making noises) Silver paint. I love the way it seeps into their heads and gives ‘em lead poisoning. A slow death (“no master…no master” can be heard in background) SILENCE! I’m gonna leave you with Uriah Heap and this song is called “Wizard”. How could you NOT play a song that’s called “Wizard”, I have no idea what it’s like, I just love the title. I WILL BE BACK tomorrow at twelve bells with CC Deville. No, NOT Lady Darbanville! No, NOT Cecil B. DeMille, CC DEVILLE, YOU FOOLS! Twelve bells. Ding dong. Ding dong.

The end.


Quean said...

I listen to the Box at work. I can often be found laughing so hard that tears are running from my eyes. And the good and gracious Chris and Tina provide the transcripts so I can relive these precious moments. Thank you.

ChispaFilthyLucre said...

ahhhhhhhh its funny
in SpAin this week
many fascist walking the streets with all the shit
about religion.
I hate this country
excuse me

Anonymous said...

Ms Tina,
I think this has be one of your best transcriptions. Seening it in writing is even more funnier. I can just see Jonesy doing his thing in my mind's eye.

All I can say is:
"Lay your hands on me, Pontiff. I'm convert to your will. I just sold my soul."

Keep up the great work, Ms Tina and Mr. Chris.

Silly Sausage

Chris was Anon said...

Thank you for those comments Quean yes we do exactly what we say on the tin, "the best bits of Jonesy's juke box. Fantastico indeed Chispa, gracias amigo. Well Miss sausage always nice and I see no reason why we should not continue to bring it back to you all.

Happy holidays!