From Thursday 4/27 Commander Jones in Space

Welcome back to Chriswasanon, I feel as if I am in a time machine here with this one and what a finepost it was too. Tina completed it whilst the Book fair was on so only now can I give it some thought. But on reflection it needs none from me - so without any further chriswasanoness.

Here's the opening part from yesterday's show. Later, some Commander Jones
Tina

Tina IS at the controls well Steve is really but you must know what I mean by now so...

Steve: You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox. (pause) Do you hear that noise? That’s my chin on my harmonica. (scratchy noise) That’s the hair on my chinny chin chin scraping the harmonica. Isn’t that funny? Can you hear that? (continues scraping) The hairs of my chinny chin chin. What was that fairy tale that said that? The Three Bears.

Mr. Shovel: The Three Pigs

Steve: Three Pigs. Huff and puff and I’ll blow your house down, the Wolf said, right? Yeah. (strums guitar) Nice little fairy tale. Do you find that a lot of fairy tales and kid’s things have sexual…overtones?

Mr. Shovel: Like what?

Steve: Like, there was this one in England called, uh, I can’t remember it now. Of course. But there was a lot of ‘em; I think these jokers who came up with them were like having a laugh with themselves because they put these kind of weird names that kind of have sexual overtones in ‘em. I can’t remember what ones, but…anyway. Don’t you think it’s weird that in China and India, that they don’t want girls when they’re born. They want boys.

Mr. Shovel: Well, cos they’re only allowed to have one child, right?

Steve: Well, now they’ve done that thing where if, if they have one child they want it to be a boy and they get rid of girls. They remove ‘em.

Mr. Shovel: Yeah, but what are those guys gonna do?

Steve: Dunno, I just think it’s weird that you would…that basically your…

Mr. Shovel: Well, I don’t think it’s much different than you know, back when everybody were farmers in America. They wanted sons, to run the farm.

Steve: Right, but that doesn’t, that doesn’t still go on now, does it?

Mr. Shovel: No, but I think it’s the same premise.

Steve: Yeah but…do you think that’s getting in the way of the ecosystem, I mean, whatever comes out is what it’s meant to be? You know what I mean? Like, if you have a boy, you have a boy. If you have a girl, you have a girl. It’s just the way it’s meant to be. It’s kind of like, humans again trying to play God.

Mr. Shovel: Well, limiting the amount of children a person can have, is also kind of messing with that. But what’s going to happen if there’s too many guys and not enough girls?

Steve: But that, that’s the problem. There seems to be, in them countries there are more girls that are born than, than guys in India and China, places like that.

Mr. Shovel: Really?

Steve: Apparently.

Mr. Shovel: I don’t know about that.

Steve: (picking at the strings of his guitar) I don’t understand.

Mr. Shovel: If you had a kid, Steve, what would you want.

Steve: Umm…well, I think girls are probably easier. But then, you know, at least when they’re fifteen, sixteen, they’re not going to bring home some bloke like me, some undesirable Sex Pistol, you know. So at least you won’t have that headache. But guys seem like they’d be more work. Boys. I don’t know, because that’s probably not going to happen with me, so I look from afar at my friend’s families and that’s enough. You know what I mean? Think you’re ever gonna have a kid, Shovel? Do you ever think about it?

Mr. Shovel: Mm hmm.

Steve: (still strumming his guitar) What, you think about, or you want to have a kid?

Mr. Shovel: Both. A little Shovel.

Steve: Yeah. (they are silent for a few moments as Steve continues to play) I bought a new harmonica. It’s in “A”. But it still don’t work if you want to do that blues stuff. (blows into harmonica and plays some more to test them together) I don’t know…

Mr. Shovel: Take it back.

Steve: Yeah. They gimme the wrong one.

Mr. Shovel: It dud’n work.

Steve: It doesn’t work in “A” with the blues thing. (Plays them together for a few bars, stops) Oh, that is just, out of order.

Mr. Shovel: Maybe you need a different guitar.

Steve: (continues with guitar and harmonica) Where is that going to work? It’s got to work somewhere. It worked there. Oh, I don’t know. (?) to do something a bit more different. Before it, I wanna just say I’m gonna play a bunch of songs that have…I had a urge today to play, at least for the first hour, songs with “space” in it. You know I get my little periods where I play space songs and stuff like that and um, I’m in the mood cos it’s kind of overcast and it always reminds me of getting out of here and going somewhere, to another planet. So I figured I might as well play songs that at least have some words of “space” or weird noises before them or something. So that’s what I’m gonna do. But first I want to see if I can rock it a bit.

(plays guitar part from “Satellite” but makes up different melody for lyrics)

Space
keep truckin’
Space
We don’t want girls we just want boys
In the universe

No boys
Just girls
If I was God that’s what I’d have
Only girls with bubble butts

Who needs boys
They’re just fools
We don’t want boys in the space
Cos it ain’t no human race
We want girls alright

Girls are more hygienic
They don’t furp and bart and they don’t take baths
Girls
They shave their armpits
They like other girls
We like girls aw yeah

Girl sheeps
We like those girl sheep
We like cow tongues
And they like the girl sheep

Baboons
Female baboons
The ones with red asses
Nice round asses

Girl fishes
They have big eyes
And big eyelashes
To wink at all the other fishes

Whales
With big round asses
With all the plankton feeding off their asses
We like big whales
Female ones, that is
Alright

Rhinoceros
The have bubble butts
With big strong legs and calves
And skin like tires

Put some high heels on the rhinoceros
You can kiss my ass
big female rhino
Oh yeah


His rule extends from land to sea and sky. Today Commander Jones takes over the spaceship


(the first set of songs has ended. We now hear “The Blue Danube” playing in the b.g from 2001: A Space Odyssey)

Steve: (sounding like a combination of Hal-9000 and Mister Rogers) That’s right. Gliding along in this intergalactic highway. I see many moonbeams…starlights…Jumping Jack moondusts. Pieces of metal flying through the atmosphere. Oh look, I see a satellite. It has “Cingular One” written on the side of it. Yes. Things look familiar up here. It’s like “Star Wars”. (beeping from sputnik…or Steve’s cell phone?) As we glide through the black hole of Calcutta, there’s many moonbeams.

(suddenly) But who…who’s that? It’s Lemmy! I see Lemmy. Wave to him everybody. Yes. Let’s play a song for Lemmy. Oh, I know, let’s play “Stardust”…”Silver Machine”. Everyone say, “Hi!”. There he goes…bye-bye Lemmy. Oh, look. He’s holding a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Look down there. That’s our planet. Planet Earth. It looks so peaceful from up here. But little do you know what aggro goes on there.

(Mr. Shovel is at it again. With his help, Hal-9000 and other characters join in)

*Hal-9000: Yes. It’s puzzling.

Steve: Hal, can you be quiet for one minute? I’m trying to explain to all the boys and girls on the spaceship what our planet is like. Green, blue…white puffy clouds. But underneath all that, there are some horrible people that you must avoid at all costs.

*Hal-9000: Well, I don’t think there is any question about it. It can only be attributable to human error.

Steve: Exactly, Hal. How and and when and whom. (the music crescendos briefly) OH. We just went through a little… (music transitions and becomes very soft) oh, that’s better. A little rocky weather there. I think a meteorite went right over our heads.

*Lemmy: Hello, Sons of Bitches! Lemmy here. You’re listening to Steve Jones’ Jukebox on 103.1 and it serves you right. Ha ha.

Steve: Hi, Lemmy. I’m gonna play a song by you now. This song’s called “Silver Machine”. Take it away, Mr. Shovel! This is a rock and roll extravaganza. (sci-fi spaceship sound in b.g.) Don’t forget to take your LSD. That’s good, boys and girls. You’ll be tripping…

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(The second set of songs has just finished playing, and we’re back to “The Blue Danube”)

Steve: Yes. You are listenin’ to Jonesy’s Jukebox, live via his spaceship. Just twirling ‘round in the outer atmosphere. Looking back at Planet Earth and all the punters that are in there. That was Deep Purple from an album, “Machine Head” and that song was called, “Space Truckin”. Ian Gillen signed my cd, it says, “To Steve. Cheers, mate. Ian Gillen”. Then we had The Tornados and that was a version called, “Telstar”. Beautiful. Many moonbeams surrounds that tune. Wait, I think there’s some space gas coming, Mr. Shovel. Yes. That must have been a meteorite just hit the side of the space ship. Mmm. Yes. Definitely space gas.

*Hal-9000: Yes. It’s puzzling.

Steve: Yes, you’re telling me, Hal. It smells puzzling, too.

*Hal-9000: I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything quite like this before.

Steve: Well, you didn’t see it. It’s the scent that’s the puzzling part. You sometimes wonder what Spaceman Jones has been eating up here in space. Hmmm. Then we had Hawkwind and that song was called, “Silver Machine”.

*Lemmy: Hello, Sons of Bitches!

Steve: Hi, Lemmy. Very good. I look down at Planet Earth and think, “Look at it from up here. So peaceful…it just goes ‘round and ‘round and it’s very blue, green and white puffy clouds. It’s a beautiful place. It’s just that some of the punters are not so nice.

*Hal-9000: Yes.

Steve: I think that…to sum up Planet Earth, it’s a horrible place with spells of wonderfulness. You do understand, don’t you, Hal?

*Hal-9000: It’s puzzling.

(the ship is assaulted again by a sharp blast of space gas)

Steve: You’re telling me, Hal. I guess we have to visit The Duke at some point. Someone has to pay for all this fuel we’re using up here.

*Hal-9000: Yes.

Steve: Okay, Hal. You take the reins. I’m going to relieve myself and put out some space poop into space.

(Audio bit of unknown origin from Mr. Shovel)

*Scientist: What was it? Somatic dispasia.(sp?) Self-induced inability of the nerves to transmit brain messages. In your language, “space fatigue”.

Steve: And thanks for listening.

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(Set 3 is over. The “Blue Danube” continues)

Steve: You are listenin’ to Jonesy’s Jukebox on Indie 1031. That was Lou Reed, from an album, “Transformer” and that song was called, “Satellite Of Love”. Before that, we had an Australian band called, Supernaut and that song was called, “Space Angel”. Then we had the king, the supreme ruler of all spaceness, Mr. David Bowie…and the Spiders From Epson and that song was called, “Star Man” from a wonderful album called, “Ziggy Stardust and The Spiders From Mars”. If you don’t have that album, you are fools and idiots and incompetent nincompoops. I command you to go and buy that right now. And before that was Brett Smiley, “Breathlessly Brett”. That song was called, “Space Ace”.

Hmm. I feel so much better after I relieved myself of space poop. Must’ve been something in that (?) that I et.

*Scientist: All of us up here suffer from the same disease to the same degree. It is to be expected. Man has never before lived in space.

Steve: So there you go, you have it right there from the man who sounds very intelligent. Space gas has different odors when in space.

*Astronaut: Much of this deadly radiation is escaping earth’s atmosphere and poisoning the distant reaches of outer space.

Steve: You do understand, don’t you? There’s many molecules in Jones Gas.

*Scientist 2: There’s a whole universe out there, Steve. The totally unknown, beyond anyone’s comprehension. We try to figure it out when we’re kids, but we never can.

(note here that Commander Jones is not in as sweet a mood as he was earlier)

Steve: Well, that’s because you’re fools and I am the Master.

*Astronaut: There are some men aboard who are not permitted to enjoy the food that you, eat, Corporal and unless you are anxious to share their diet, I’d advise you not to forget again.

*Corporal: I won’t, sir.

Steve: I’m not a corporal, you idiot. I am the supreme ruler in my spaceship. There is none higher than me. How dare you defy?

*Astronaut 3: Well, that’s about all there is to go. I hope the homing device works. I’d hate to have this land in the middle of the Sahara desert.

*Astronaut 4: Didn’t Steve have something to go?

*Astronaut 3: Oh, yes. Would you mind seeing if Steve’s material is ready yet?

Steve: We had BeBop Deluxe before that and that song was called, “Jet Silver and Dolls Of Venus”. Quite inticing name. And then we started off with Zolar X and that was some mumbo-jumbo that went into a song called, “Timeless”. All the mumbo-jumbo is irrelevant to different planetary, veterinary, vegetarian languages. You do understand – I believe you’re getting the point.

*Astronaut 5: They’ll be leaving day after tomorrow.

Steve: It’s about time, too. I’ve had enough of them mongrels. Mmmm. Should we visit land and visit, Mr. Shovel?

*Hal-9000: Well, I don’t think there is any question about it.

Steve: Let’s visit the Duke, Mister Shovel. Pull the stick shift over, we’re gonna lay down for five minutes, pay The Duke, and we’ll be back up.

*Astro guy: Soon the evacuation from a dead planet will begin. First the armies, then the civilians.

*Lemmy: Hello, Sons of Bitches!

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(Fade in: Again our “Blue Danube” theme. Commander Jones has settled back down into calmness)

Steve: Mmmm. I had to change my space suit. There was too much gas in there. It was causing me discomfort but I have many suits, because I am the Master and Commander of the Ship and if you wish to take a ride on the Pontiff Gasseria all you have to do if pay me in gold bars. Gold is quite expensive right now, I hear. And oil. I found a way to run my spaceship on human gas. So you have to pay your own way. Make sure you have a lot of baked beans before you get on board and we will funnel it into the combustion chamber and we all will be laughing. Unfortunately, I’m getting low on Jonesy gasseria, so we’re only going to spin around up here for about another momentos. So I’m gonna keep rocking and rolling and you’ll keep enjoying. Let’s play something Mr. Shovel.


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(We are back from the last set of music and so is the “Blue Danube”)

Steve: You are listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox. That piece of noise was Alistair Riddle. Funny enough, I know his brother, Jimmy. That was from an album, “Space Horse” and that song was called, “Angel”. “Glitter From The Litter Bin” and that song was called, “The Flying Saucers Have Landed” by Paul St. John. Another two-bob merchant. Then we had Jobriath. “Lonely Planet Boy” album on (?) label. Morrissey’s label and that song was called, “Morning Starship”. Beautiful. Then The Tornados came around again and that bit of music was called…wait. I see something coming towards me is that Lemmy?

*Lemmy: : Hello, Sons of Bitches! Lemmy here. You’re listening to Steve Jones’ Jukebox on 103.1 and it serves you right. Ha ha.

Steve: Yes, thank you Lemmy. He’s still around. It’s not that big after all, out here in space. You go around once, and there they are again. It looks big from down in Planet Earth.

*Hal-9000: Yes. It’s puzzling.

Steve: It really is. Anyway, that song was called, “Life On Venus” by The Tornados. I’m starting to wind down now. We landing one more time, Shovel before we go down into the black hole? We’ll get some human gas for one more blast. Let’s visit The Duke. Thank you.

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(back from commercial)

Steve: (sounds tired) You’ve been listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox on Indie. Hmmm. I think I’m going to retire to the back of the spaceship now. I’ve fulfilled my jollies for two hours. I hope you all enjoyed your jollies, too. I’m going to leave you with an earth song. This is Roxy Music, doing a song called, “In Every Dream Home, A Heartache”. And I will be back tomorrow at twelve bells. Good bye.

(*denotes an recorded snippet that appeared courtesy of the wizardry of Mr. Shovel. He was busy this afternoon)