Worms

September 12, 2006 Worms

Steve: I dunno what’s going on, but in my garage this morning I noticed that worms go in there to die. What is going on? Is it like, the season of…worms killing themselves or something? Do they have like, an end of a life and then they kind of, go somewhere to die? What is that with worms?

Mr. Shovel: It’s a spiritual thing…

Steve: I mean, literally. I mean outside the garage there’s like grass and that where they probably come out of right? But they all go into the garage. I see ‘em like you know, worming their way in there and then they curl up and just die.

Mr. Shovel: Maybe they’re not going there to die, but they do because there’s no dirt there.

Steve: No, but their instinct would tell them to stay in the dirt if they wanted to stay in the dirt. I don’t understand it. There’s literally like, twenty worms in there. Just, just…they go in there.

Mr. Shovel: And where do they come from?

Steve: Well, I guess they come in out of the grass.

Mr. Shovel: Did you put some kind of chemicals on your grass?

Steve: You know what? I think the gardener, cos my grass was dying so he put all this stuff down. He put all this stuff down to…

Mr. Shovel: So they’re fleeing, actually.

Steve: Well, they hardly “flee” cos they’re worms and they’re very slow.

Mr. Shovel: Right, but they’re fleeing the best they can to get to a safe place and they couldn’t make it across the Death Valley of your garage.

Steve: You know they don’t have legs, worms.

Mr. Shovel: Exactly.

Steve: Nor bones. Did you know that? They’re boneless.

Mr. Shovel: Mm hmm. Like a filet.

Steve: They just kind of…how do they move, they kind of use muscle I guess. They’re just one muscle and they just kind of worm their way across…aw, that’s too bad. Yeah, cos he put all this stuff down to try and make the grass grow cos it was kind of not happening.

Mr. Shovel: Grass needs worms, though.

Steve: I’ll bet it must be the chemicals. That’s why they’re all coming in the garage. Aw. What should I do? It’s a bit late, now. I think they’re all dead. All twenty of them. I’m saddened now.

Mr. Shovel: At least your grass is going to be green, Steve.

Steve: Well it doesn’t look like it’s doing…

Mr. Shovel: Mister Green. (laughs)

Steve: I do think green.

Mr. Shovel: I know.

Steve: It’s weird. I’m going to have to have a word with him. Couldn’t he put down some anti worm-killing stuff to make the grass…

Mr. Shovel: Well you could put manure down there but then it’s going to stink.

Steve: I actually don’t mind the smell of manure, like, horse manure. I actually like that smell for some weird reason. It reminds me of farms. I like farms.

Mr. Shovel: That would be more eco-friendly.

Steve: I’ll have to have a word with him. Should I do a song?

Mr. Shovel: Ode to your worms.

Steve: Do a song about worms? Okay. Poor worms. Let me think…

Worms slimy little creatures
They’ve all tried to escape
Out of the grass
Poor little worms

They’ve got nowhere to go
They’ve been hoed
Now they’ve got to go
To worm heaven

With all the other little worms
And all the other creatures
From big to small
Big to small

I must confess I kill ants
Especially when they come inside
And get into your Weetabix

They really make a mess
Of everything they touch
But I do enjoy spraying them with stuff
And watching ‘em
Watching ‘em run for help

Poor little ants
The ants do actually eat the worms

Steve: They were all on one of them the other day. He couldn’t get away. That’s why they go in the garage, to get away from the ants, I’ll bet.

(continues song)

The ants and worms are having a war
But it looks like the little ants
Gang up on ze worms

Poor ants
Poor worms
They’re all creatures
God’s creatures
Yes they are

But it’s the survival of the fittest
And if you can’t take
the chemicals
Then get out the grass

Poor little creatures
You’ve got to get better brains
You’ve got to go to school
Like everybody else

So you’ll know what to do
In sticky situations

Let’s play some rock and roll, Mr. Shovel.

~~~ ~~ ~~

(after a set of songs)

Steve: All dead worms, come to the vestibule immediately. We will clean you of chemicals and put you back in the green grass.

Poor worms. They didn’t mean any harm to anyone. They don’t hurt anybody. Although they do…they eat us when we die, so they do have the last laugh. Unless you…want to avoid that, then you get cremated. So if you don’t want to be eaten by worms…

Mr. Shovel: So they’re really at the end of the food chain.

Steve: Yeah. They eat the human flesh and all the ‘balming fluids. What is ‘balming fluid? Why do they do that? Do we look that bad when we die that they have to kind of put make-up on us?

Mr. Shovel: I don’t know.

Steve: What would you do, Shovel? Out of choice, when you die, what would be prefer? To be ‘cinerated or buried?

Mr. Shovel: Well, because my family would be prefer it, I’m going to be buried.

Steve: Really.

Mr. Shovel: I don’t really care. But they need that, you see?

Steve: Yeah. I would rather be burnt cos I don’t like going underground. I get claustrophobic and my soul might not get out of there if it’s buried down underneath. Cos you never know. You might you know, like people say you come back in a different life? Can you imagine if you kind of, come-to, and you’re buried?

Mr. Shovel: What if you came back as a worm, eating yourself?

Steve: It’s a whole vicious cycle we live in. I don’t understand life, or death actually. None of it means anything to me. Why am I here? I know what makes sense, though. Let’s go and visit The Duke.