Thursday, September 14, 2006

Hair


I just received word from Chris! His return home has been delayed and he will be back sometime next week FYI.


"We're the fellas in the dust bin"
September 13, 2006 Hairy Man

(after the opening theme ends, the first thing we hear is Steve playing “No Future” on guitar and harmonica. Mr. Shovel asks him how Bob Dylan would sing it and of course Steve indulges him with his impression of Dylan singing GSTQ)

Steve: I had to remove five jackabites from my MySpace this morning. Why don’t these people learn? I specifically say, “You put me in your Top 8 forever, or you will be banished”.

Mr. Shovel: By the way, I started up my own MySpace for my show and you still haven’t approved me to be your friend.

Steve: You have?

Mr. Shovel: Mmm hmm.

Steve: You know, I’ve got a thousand people pending requests for friends.

Mr. Shovel: Maybe I don’t want to be your friend.

Steve: Well, that’s alright with me. The only way I’m gonna let you be a friend is if you keep coming back and saying some reasons why you want to be me friend. Now just randomly just want to be your friend and then sit there. I’m not into the numbers games. I have less than five hundred friends. I’ve removed three thousand friends.

Mr. Shovel: Do I need to keep coming back and…

Steve: No, I just…what’s the picture look like on yours?

Mr. Shovel: Me, playing the melodica.

Steve: Really?

Mr. Shovel: Um hmm.

Steve: I didn’t see that. When was this?

Mr. Shovel: Few days ago.

Steve: I’ll have to have a look, Shovel. I normally only look if it’s like…

Mr. Shovel: Hot birds.

Steve: If it’s a striking picture. It doesn’t have to be a bird.

Mr. Shovel: It’s a pretty good one.

Steve: Yeah? Let’s have a look. Get it up on that ole piece of plastic over there.

(sings)
No future
No MySpace for Mr. Shovel
No I don’t want to be your friend
On MySpace Mr. Shovel
You can take your Check One Two
And shove it
(this cracks Mr. Shovel up and they both laugh)

Steve: You got the picture there? (pause) I didn’t see that picture.

Mr. Shovel: I sent it from my Helio.

Steve: You need something more striking than that, mate. That just looks like a piece of red…stuff dunnit.

Mr. Shovel: That’s what it is.

Steve: But it could be anything. You should have a logo saying “Check One Two” or something that’s striking. There’s too many people that put pictures there of like, rocks. You know what I mean? Or you know, a bleedin’ tree. You just don’t even look at ‘em. Something’s got to catch you eye with your picture.

Mr. Shovel: How about if I put my cleavage on there?

Steve: That would help. That would help, mate. You know what I do to torture people if I’m on their Top 8? I got this picture of this hairy bloke. He looks like a Persian dude. He’s lying on a bed, naked on his…so you see his ass and his back and he’s like, covered in hair. I like putting that picture up there.

Mr. Shovel: It’s probably a closer representation than the picture you have up there now.

Steve: Ayyyy. I changed it…I put the clown back, the jester. Got any ideas for songs? I wish I had an idea for a song.

Mr. Shovel: I was quite content with the Dylan.

Steve: You liked that? What about Hairy Man? This is always a good one to play, the chords. The “Drive” song, by The Cars? Can’t beat ‘em.

You hairy sod
How did you get so hairy
Is it something that you eat
Or does it just run in your family

You really don’t need to wear clothes
In the winter
Cos it looks like you’re wearing
A mohair jumpsuit

You don’t even need
A thing to sleep on
Cos you look like
The Sherwood Forest

You hairy sod
How’d you get so hairy
Did you have it off with
A girl named Mary

And I know that you can
Go to a place and get it waxed off
But it’s quite painful
At first

You almost bleed
I tried it once when I was into
Body building

You hairy sod
Oh you hairy sod

Who’s gonna wax your back tonight
You can’t go on
You hairy sod

Who’s gonna wax your back
When he calls
Who’s gonna shave your nuts
When he falls

You can’t go on
Thinking the hair’s all gone
Who’s gonna wax your back tonight
-not me!
Who’s gonna shave you down when you fall
What are we gonna do with all that hair now that it’s gone
I could make a cushion out of it
or I could
feed some poor people
Who’s gonna wax your back
when you fall
(The latter part of the song is was interspersed with Mr. Shovel's sound effects that simulate the ripping sound of the hair waxing process, some sort of electrical equipment and the anquished outcries of out host. The End.)

3 comments:

ChispaFilthyLucre said...

thanks Flora
to give ideas me

Anonymous said...

You know, I remember when Jonesy first put that picture up. Funniest stuff I've ever since.
If I also remember correctly, people complain left, right and center about it.

Great work, Tina

Candlelight chaos
XXXXX

floratina said...

It was just after The Purge, if I remember correctly. Every time you open up your profile, your Top 8 (and therefore) The Sire is there, center stage. "Non-fairweathers, I present to you: Hairy Man." Every time you'd go to your home page, there was that pic. His commenters were begging him for relief and it generated lord knows how much "OMG, What is he doing NOW?" back-and-forth e-mailage.