Everybody Wants To Be A Star

From September 8, 2006

Steve: You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox on Indie 1031. It’s five after twelve bells. I feel like I'm getting something, like some flu or something. It’s a little scratchy thing in me throat…I feel weak. (plays “No Future” on guitar for a few moments, it sounds Beatle-y) Um, what’s happening today? Anything happening?

Mr. Shovel: Well, we have tickets for Jeff Beck.

Steve: Oh, alright, Jeff Beck. Oh actually I bought a Jeff Beck…(he is interrupted by the ring of his cell phone, he answers it) Hello.

Female caller: (slightly audible in background) Hey, Jonesy.

Steve: Yeah.

Female caller: So you’re not feeling well today, are you?

Steve: No.

Female caller: What’s going on?

Steve: I’ll talk to you in a bit, I’m on the radio.

Female caller: Okay.

Steve: (sounds like he cut her off) Imbecile. I think these people just want to be heard, go to any lengths. Could you hear their voice?

Mr. Shovel: Yeah. She obviously just heard you say you’re not feeling well and so she called.

Steve: Right. Ah, that makes a lot of sense.

Everybody is a star
Everybody wants to be a star
Oh everybody wants to be a star
Everybody wants to be a star

If everybody was a star
There would be no such thing
As stars
If we all were stars
It would defeat the purpose
That’s why they are stars
Cos there’s only a few

There’s no room for you
To be a star
It’s just for me and people like me
You’ll never ever make it
You ain’t got what it takes
But you think you do

You bleedin losers
There’s no room for you
On this roster
Oh you poor sods
Just keep on trying

Steve: Go on Shovel, say something. You look like you’ve got this…like you want to have a poo.

Mr. Shovel: You sound like my dad.

Steve: What does he say?

Mr. Shovel: Pretty much what you’re saying.

Steve: Really?

Mr. Shovel: Yeah.

Steve: Oh, cos he’s a…

Mr. Shovel: Well, he’s not a star, but…

Steve: He’s a meteorologist, star guy, right?

And stargazers are better than star searchers
We gaze into the eyes of the stars
For no real purpose

You want to look at the monkeys in the zoo
And the giraffes on the safari
And the elephants and their tusks
And the crocodiles and they all
Are stars in their own right
and zoo ooh-ooh-ooh-oooh

we’re all stars shining down
shine on down shine on down
shine on down shine on down
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
(after the first set of songs)

Steve: …and before that was David Bowie, “Prettiest Star”. That’s for all you ones trying so hard to be famous. In the land that’s drawn you to this place called Hollywood, Tinsel Town…drawn like a magnet to a piece of lead…drawn you in and then spits you out to become prostitutes. Destitutes. Go back home to Idaho (with a) big “L” on your forehead. “I never made it! I’m gonna pick corn now for the rest of my life. Potatoes. Combine harvesters. Losers. Don’t even attempt to be a star. You’ll never amount to nothing! Do you understand how difficult it is to be famous? Very difficult. But…maybe I could help you, in a kind of a way…I have many powers.
And I’m not talking to the men, either. Maybe I could help you get a part…

Mr. Shovel: (sarcastic) That’ll get ‘em on a bus.