Monday, July 24, 2006

From July 19, A Space Ride

Welcome back to chriswasanon. Late Final edit!! (2). In a packed blog tonight the talk seems to be of Global warming, sweltering, schvitz or sweat. Wherever you are I hope that you are cool and wearing light and thin cotton clothing. Some scary death Valley zone temperatures have been recorded in California.

I am convinced that some of you will be revving yourselves up for the Buzzcocks gig on Tuesday night. On Wednesday they will be in ze bunker with Steve and that promises to be an exciting show with the range of new technological possibilities therein.

Steve has had a major overhaul of his image. No longer the Pontiff of myspace. We will miss his guidance, vestments, "ointments." and blessings. But feel sure that it will not be too long before something else comes along. (This just in: False alarm! He's baaack... T)

The myspace profile pic. Nevermind the bollocks it's Nevermind the bollocks Still boxed! Milk and two sugars. Speaking of mashed potato - which Commander Jones will in this post - here is something (real audio player required) from a v. popular and very funny Brit tv. advertising campaign, Smash!

In actual factomundo" Cadbury's Smash" T.M. packet mashed potato is still manufactured and is very popular with ex-pats. My mum used to make it with fried eggs. Mmmm (not).

That's it.

On Friday the 21st of July an extraordinary 3 and half minutes transpired on the Jukebox. This has become known as "speaking in tongues," or "flubble" or "Bill and Ben." Not now but later and assuredly, "still to come."

Today Tina has the recent space journey. Commander Jones is at the controls, Lieutenant Shovel is at mission control and...

Floratina is the one who can.


(In the background, the theme from "2001: A Space Odyssey" fades in)

Steve: Good evening. Good morning if you are calling from interplanetary planets. (the music builds, then quiets down) Greetings, humanoids. The Pontiff is in the building, just touched down. (he is silent as the theme explodes in its famous ultimate crescendo. There is silence for a few moments. That is replaced by what sounds like Gregorian chanting. Make that galactic Gregorian chanting. It continues as Steve speaks) Yes. This is a day of planetary connections. We will be playing songs from rockets, moonbeams, stardust…nebulas and coctabulators from the Universe, as we know it. You are on Jonesy’s Spaceship 4000. We are traveling at light speed. I hope you enjoy two hours of majestic, interplanetary hogwash. (The galactic choir sounds like a swarm of ghosts or something here) That’s two hours of “normal” time. To me it’s eight hours, because I am eight hours ahead of you, looking back at you. You do understand, don’t you? Let’s get the ball rolling, Mr. Shovel.

(First song of the set begins) “FIVE…FOUR…THREE…TWO…ONE (sound of a rocket blasting off) Thunderbirds are GO!”

~~~~ ~~~ ~~~

(Commander Jones is back after the first set of songs; the swarming spacemonks again provide musical atmosphere in the background)

Steve: (sounds as if he’s in a vacuum) Yes. It is quite satisfactory, this nebula. Hmmmm. I do wish I had some packets of mashed potato, powder form. I am getting quite hungry up here. I’m all alone. Nevertheless, that was David Bowie, from an album, “Space Odyssey” (sic) and that was the title track. And before that, we had Jonathan King, “Everyone Has Gone To The Moon”. I just passed the moon, actually. It winked at me. Then we had Brian Eno, “Another Day On Earth” is the name of the album and that song was called, “A Long Way Down”. You’re not kidding. Yes. We had the Rolling Stones before that, “Their Satanic Majesty’s Request” and that song was called, “2000 Light Years From Home”. Yes. Why do I keep saying, “yes”? No. I’ll say “no” from now on. “Flying Saucer Boogie” by Eddie Clitoris or something like that. I can’t tell, my eyes are a bit boss-eyed up here. It must be the cabin pressure. Then we started off with “The Thunderbirds Theme”. All systems are go. Even though I’m up here and Indie headquarters still have to pay the rent. So we’re going to visit the Duke. Thanks for listening.

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

(It sounds like he has slipped even deeper into the vortex now. The spacemonks voices have converged into a solitary “oooooh”.)

Steve: I wonder what the weather’s like down there on Planet Earth. Let me get a line through to Mr. Shovel. Mr. Shovel, do you read me?

Mr. Shovel: Read you loud and clear, Steve.

Steve: What is the weather like down there on Planet Earth?

Mr. Shovel: Sweltering. Like a sauna.

Steve: Oh, you mean it’s hot? It’s very cool up here and dark. Do you read me, Mr. Shovel?

Mr. Shovel: You’re breaking up, Steve. I’m going into the Valley.

Steve: Oh. Okay, then. Let’s play The Tubes. “Space Baby”. Take it away, Mr. Shovel…

~~~ ~~~ ~~~
(Now he’s back. “2001” theme starts in the background)

Steve: I did enjoy that. That was Spacehog from an album, “Resident Alien” and that song was called, “Star Side”. Then we had The Tubes before that, “Space Baby” and now, I present to you, all the way up here in the black hole of stars and universe, one pair of tickets to go and see The Buzzcocks next Wednesday, July 26 at the Henry Fonda Theatre. I won’t be back in time for that, I’ll still be going ‘round the galaxy. Come in Mr. Shovel do you read me.

Mr. Shovel: Uh, roger, Steve.

Steve: Do we have any other gifts to give away?

Mr. Shovel: Uh, that’s affirmative, Steve.

Steve: What do we have, Mr. Shovel? Do we have a t-shirt?

Mr. Shovel: We have a Jonesy’s Jukebox t-shirt. For the first person to answer on our MySpace…

Steve: Or on your Helio.

Mr. Shovel: Uh, that’s a…roger.

Steve: Helio is the way to go.

Mr. Shovel: That’s affirmative, Steve.

Steve: (very quickly) Youdounderstanddontyou? Helio is the Swiss Army Knife of…devices. Okay. One pair of tickets to go and see The Buzzcocks. You must tell me what I am playin’ on my humanoid axe and what I am whistlin’ through my space sphere um…outfit. You ready? My hands are aching, Mr. Shovel, my, my muscles are depleting…by the second.

Mr. Shovel: That’s the effect of zero gravity, Steve.

Steve: Yes I know. Do you have any Yeomans?

Mr. Shovel: Uh, that’s a negative, Steve.

Steve: What about Smash?

Mr. Shovel: We will look into it and get back to you, Steve.

Steve: Anything in powder form will be great. I want to put water to it and eat it.

Mr. Shovel: We’re doing everything we can.

Steve: Thank you. Here we go, you ready? 877 900-1031.

(Steve plays and whistles the tune, “Moonage Daydream”)

Steve: 877 900-1031. My muscles have depleted. I have no more strummings left in me. (demanding) Do I have my mash?!? Where is it? Thanks for listening.

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

(The commercials have ended, now it is time for the whistle reveal)

Steve: True nebula from Zacky Pong, do you read me? Crew nebula from Zacky Pong, do you read? There is no one out there. I’ve gone past the point of any electrical contacts. Nevertheless, I have my own reserve power to still play songs for you down there in the poxy Planet Earth. We have a winner. Just came in through the telegraphic conjobulator 5000 miniscules of gigabytes of phantasm. Did you get on MySpace? See, it all makes sense now…mySPACE. Up here, in space. We are going to have a new Helio clip of the day if you go on the Indie website you will see me with my full regalia on. My new, custom space helmet (bucket) and mask (hazmat surplus) with built-in antennas and cooling the veins from inside the suit. I hope you enjoy this suit. Let’s play the winner’s song, Mr. Shovel. It was David Bowie, “Ziggy Stardust”, “Moonage Daydream”. Take it away, darling.

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

(Set 3 has just ended)

Steve: Yes. Unfortunately, I am timeless. (demanding) Where’s my echo? ((Hello)). That’s better. Hmmm. How dare you? It must been caught in the chamber. Let me get outside the spaceship and repair it. I’ll do it in the next lot of commercials. That was Zolar X and that song was called, “Timeless”. Beautiful. And before that, we had Alistair Riddell from an album, “Space Waltz” and that song was called, “Sea Bird”. “Sea Bird”. Beautiful name. I wish I would have thought of that one. I only come up with the last part of that one. Bird. Then we had The Carpenters. I could do with some carpenters on my spaceship. The shelves are falling down all over the place…and that song was called, “Calling Occupants Of Interplanetary Craft”. Wonderful song. Too bad about the bird, died. If only she would be…got help she’d still be churning out great pop songs. Sorry, Mrs. Carpenter. I will see you one day and we will make shelves in heaven. Yes. Why don’t you check out the Indie website and you can see me in my spaceship. It’s on the front page, I believe, is it? Let me find out if it’s on the front page. Calling Mr. Shovel, do you read me?

Mr. Shovel: Uh, roger, Steve.

Steve: Is that affirmative?

Mr. Shovel: That is affirmative, we’re sorry for this little snag.

Steve: Okay. I don’t want anyone to miss anything down there on Planet Earth. Here we go. Look at me, in all my glory. Wow, is that what I look like? Scary. In fact, what is happening to me? I feel my joints swelling up, Mr. Shovel. Am I okay? I don’t know what’s going on with me.

Mr. Shovel: We recommend you take the unit out of operation and check for errors.

Steve: Okay, I will do that. Let me press a few buttons (sound of buttons being pressed) okay, that’s good. (Sighs) Ah, I need relief. Is there any birds in the back of this spaceship? What’s going on here? I thought I loaded up a couple. Bring them to me, someone. Lets go and visit the Duke. Maybe I can have some hanky-panky in this next five minutes. Thanks for listening.

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Steve: You are listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox. I couldn’t find any humanoid femalians in the back of the ship. I am completely alone up here. But I did find this in one of the cupboards. It was Elton John and it’s a song called, “Rocket Man”. Do you read me, Mr. Shovel?

Mr. Shovel: That’s a roger, Steve.

Steve: (knackered) Could you put it onto the Box please thank you.

Mr. Shovel: Uh, that’s affirmative.

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Steve: Do I have my vortex headphones? Yes. Let me switch over to the ManFist 5000. (enters command into keyboard) Jolly good. Straight ahead, let me enter the condabulator. I think it’s five seven eight one two six five nine. (type type type) Yes. We are heading straight for the planet ManFist. I believe there is occupancy there. I’m not quite sure what to expect. I’ve been told they are friendly aliens and are warm. We will see. We are almost at the end of the voyage on the Jonesy Jukebox spaceride. We must still go to visit the Duke for one more time. Then I will give it one thrust and I will be out of here. One thrust toward the planet ManFist. Oh, before I forget, that last bit of music was BeBop Deluxe, ‘Jet Silver And The Dolls Of Venus” and before that was from the Velvet Goldmine soundtrack, “Velvet Spacetime” by Carter Burwell. Then we had the classic Elton John “Rocket Man” in brackets, “(I Think It’s Going To Be A Long Long Time)” Two hours, in fact. It wasn’t that long in MY time, cos I am coming backwards and up in through the middle. It’s a whole new time. ManFist. I can see it from here. It looks kind of fiery and furry. I hope I can get through the Black Hole in time to get in touch with the Mancheefrills. Let’s visit the Duke. Can you read me, Mr. Shovel?

Mr. Shovel: Uh, that’s a roger, Steve.

Steve: Continue.

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

(As we come back from commercial we are greeted by quiet strains of the “Blue Danube Waltz” and then we again hear the lonely echo of Commander Jones’ voice)

Steve: It is that time. I see bright futures ahead. There is life forms on other planets, so don’t worry. Even though ours is decaying, there is future elsewhere. I hope you enjoyed two hours of Space Void with musicoid, with peopleoids singing musicoids, hemorrhoids and steroids and…what are them breath fresheners?

Mr. Shovel: Asteroids.

Steve: Asteroids. I’m going to get in my pod and sleep five years. When I awake, I should be somewhere near the planet…um…aw, I can’t even think of the bleedin’ name of the place, never mind. My time capsule will wake me at the correct time. Let me just punch in two thousand twenty-five, one second…(type type) Yes. (The “Blue Danube” begins again, grandly) Okay. I’m going now. Hopefully all will be well. To all you humanoids on your Planet Earth, there is much turmoil. You must learn to be loving and not self-seeking and care for others is the only true form of happiness. Especially in the little town called Los Angeles, Hollywood, where self-centeredness runs rampant. Do something nice for someone today and don’t expect a “thank you”. I know it’s difficult, but it can be done. I’m going now. I’m getting in my pod, as we speak. (type type type) Goodbye. Goodbye. (farther away) Goodbye…

(All we are left with is the “Blue Danube” and the sounds of the Commander’s breathing; he has slipped away into deep slumber)

Until the next space ride, The End...

1 comment:

Quean said...

I'm the urban spaceman, baby, here comes the twist; I don't exist.