Steve: You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox on Indie 1031. Four minutes after twelve bells and right behind me we have the TV on and Brazil and Croatia has just started. See, I can’t just look at it, I have to wait ‘til commercials or the long songs and then I get up, turn ‘round and then I look at it. But there are some good games this morning. I kind of woke up at six o’clock and I can’t even remember who I was watching. Who was it? It was, I know…I started watching the French, that was at nine. They played Switzerland. That was a draw, that was a good game. That was a good result for Switzerland. And now, the Brazil-Croatia game’s on. Who did I watch this morning? I was half-awake when it started. That’s a hard one, six o’clock. I watched about five minutes of it, dozed off and woke up, you know like, when you’re kind of just hear it in the background. Who was it? I can’t remember. My head’s just gone. It’s a lovely hot day out today. No, no June Gloom, went straight to the sun. None of the gloomy, so that’s good. It actually made me want to break out my harmonica. What do we have today, Mr. Shovel? Any gifts?
Mr. Shovel: Well, first of all, we have tickets to the screening of “The Filth and The Fury” and we also have tickets to The Ark.
Steve: Yes. Noah’s Ark or just…?
Mr. Shovel: Just The. Ark.
Steve: That’s the smaller ark? Noah’s is the big Kahuna, right and then the other arks…
Mr. Shovel: They’re not together any more.
Steve: Right, they broke up. Yes. Another myth, Noah’s Ark. A bloke in a big boat and everyone got in it. It was SO big, the boat, it took everyone. Another stupid myth. Don’t you agree? Just like the fish, the one fish that everyone fed on.
Mr. Shovel: Well it could have been a big fish.
Steve: Could have been a whale.
Mr. Shovel: That’s right.
Steve: Didn’t mention the size of the fish, did they?
Mr. Shovel: No, they didn’t. See?
Steve: and the parting of the seas, I guess that’s possible too, right?
Mr. Shovel: Drought.
Steve: Yeah…when the sea dried up, they walked across it. So it’s all kind of gray-area stuff, but feasible, I suppose.
Mr. Shovel: Well, the Ark is a myth that shows up in a lot of different cultures.
Steve: Does it? Hmmm.
Mr. Shovel: Yeah. So, there’s more than one Ark.
Mr. Shovel: See?
Steve: Ark at that noise. Ark at that.
Mr. Shovel: Ark The ‘erald Angels Sing.
Steve: Yes. Um, ark…(sings) Ark angels, ark angels, will you be mine? Ain’t that in a song? One of them Fifties doo wop songs? Oh, that’s ‘Earth Angels’. Ah, what the hell…
Mr. Shovel: AnARKchy?
Steve: “AnARKchy In The UK” Excellent. See? You see? Okay. Is there any score behind me, Mr. Shovel? Does it say anything in them little things…
Mr. Shovel: No.
Steve: …does it say, O-O?
Mr. Shovel: Zero-Zero.
Steve: Yes. (strums guitar) What harmonica do I have here? Oh. (blows into harmonica) I dunno what number it is. Has it got an “A” on the end of it…or a “D”…
Mr. Shovel: I don’t see it.
Steve: On that end?
Mr. Shovel: “A”
Steve: “A”. Okay. So that means, if that’s an “A”, if I wanna get, sound half-decent, I think I’ve got to play “C”. (tries it out) That don’t sound right does it? (He continues to try out different combinations of chords) Oh, that is awful. (some more) Oh, I don’t know what I’m doing.
Mr. Shovel: They wouldn’t have let you on the Ark.
Steve: No. Hold on…(continues to test) What…if the harp’s in “A”, what key do you play? ”E”? (plays it) “G”?
Mr. Shovel: I’m thinkin’ “A”. But what do I know?
Steve: (Steve plays an “A” and it fits) I want a minor, I want a minor. (keeps searching) We have any more? There ain’t no more chords. I’m lost. I’m completely lost. (He settles on something in a “B” and plays a few bars) Sounds awful, dunnit?
Mr. Shovel: Maybe you need a different guitar for every harmonica.
Oh, I’m football crazy I am football mad
I know it sounds like downer chords
For someone who is football mad
You’d think you’d have something more uplifting than
these minor chords
to celebrate kicking a ball around
for one month
But my harmonica doesn’t work with happy songs
It only goes with minor chords
Oh lords bring out your soccer balls
And kick them down the street
Because we’ve all gone football mad
For one month then we will go back to being normal
Normal, oh serenade me, Mister
(Mr. Shovel plays a solo on the melodica that sounds familiar and where did he learn to do that?)
Steve: That’s that Neil Young song, innit? (starts to sing the melody to “Like A Hurricane”, Shloemoe’s favorite) It’s the same, right?
This a Neil Young song but I thought it was a football song
So I will combine the two into one
Neil Young doesn’t play football
But he does write political songs
You are like a football
There’s one in my eyes
You are like a football
And I don’t know how to kick one yet
He doesn’t know how to get it in the net
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
Steve: It’s still…close your ears if you don’t want to know the Brazil/Croatia score. (pause) It is still one-nil to Brazil. Twenty-four minutes into the second half. Very exciting game. I’ve actually moved around the other side now, watching the game. I can give you a commentary:
Some bloke with the ball. He’s clearin’ it. It’s a Croatia bloke with that two-bob shirt he’s wearing. And there he goes, he’s passed it to another one of his mates. (Mr. Shovel laughing in b.g.) He’s running down the wing. He’s going a long way. He’s beating another player! Oh – it’s a corner, goal kick... what do I know. What is it? It’s a corner…corner to Croatia…no it’s not. The Croatians are on the attack. Oh! Goal keeper. Almost scored. And thanks for listening.
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
(after the commercial break)
Steve: This game is an amazing game, even if you don’t like football – soccer – you must be drawn to this game cos it’s such an intense game, Brazil/Croatia. Don’t you find, Mr. Shovel, I mean, you’re not a football fan at all, but don’t you find this is a good game?
Mr. Shovel: Yeah, actually. I do. But I’d much rather be listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox and just hearing about it second-hand.
Steve: Would you know a bad game if you saw one?
Mr. Shovel: Uh…no. (laughs)
Steve: Okay…it’s the Brazilian bloke – oh, what a cross! Oh! (expectant) Oh. (depleted) See what a commentator I am?
(shifts into neutral commentator mode) He’s got the ball. He’s kicking it. He’s passed it.
Mr. Shovel: (“Chicago” accent, think “Da Bears” sketch from Saturday Night Live) There’s no doubt about it, Steve. If they wanna win this game, they’re gonna have to put that ball in that…
Steve: (shifts to “Chicago”, too) They’re gonna have to make it more entertainin’ over heah if you want America to get onto this thing…
Mr. Shovel: They’re gonna havta step up and give it one hunnert an’ ten percent all da time.
Steve: (even more hyped) They’re gonna have to have a brass band out there, Mister Shovel!
Mr. Shovel: They are NOT gonna win this game unless they score more goals than the other team.
Steve: They rrreallllly gotta get on toppa dis game! C’mon, Mister Shovel…COME ON, PLAY THE GAME! It’s a…it’s a TOUCHDOWN – SHOT BLOCK, that’s FANTASTIC!
Mr. Shovel: I tell you what, I tell you what, back when I was playin’, if they’d done that, they’d take it out of our paycheck!
Steve: (hollering) THERE, C’MON! THERE, C’MON, WE’RE DYIN’ HERE, C’MON! I’M WALKIN’, I’M WALKIN’…C’MON BRAZIL. CROATIA, WHO ARE YA? LET’S HAVEYA, THANK YOU! Play a song, Mister Shovel, I’m havin’ a heart attack…
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
(the last set of songs is over and Steve is back)
Steve: Still watching the game here. It’s almost over, in extra time, now. It’s still…close your ears if you don’t want to know the result (pause) one-nil to Brazil with like, a couple of minutes left. (becomes Chicago guy again, starts out quietly) Oh, it’s a fantastic game, I just am, I am transfixed to dis game. Aren’t you transfixed, Mister Shovel?
Mr. Shovel: (full volume Chicago) There’s no doubt about it, Steve. It’s a transfixing game.
Steve: It really is, it’s one of the most transfixing games I’ve ever seen in my life and I’ve seen a lotta games of soccer…
Mr. Shovel: Boy, I tellyouwhat, Croatia’s not gonna win if the score ...keeps the same.
Steve: They’re not gonna win if they keep wearin’ that outfit. That outfit is TWO-BOB. What do you think, Mister Shovel?
Mr. Shovel: Makes me wanna…make a sandwich and cook somethin’ on it.
Steve: It makes me wanna play chess on that shirt. Look at it. check. mate. Faaantastic. Oh. Okay. Let’s go and visit the Duke. What do you say, Mister Shovel?
Mr. Shovel: Well, I’ll tellya what, Steve…I think we oughta visit da Duke.
Steve: Allright, takeitaway, Mister Shovel…