Wednesday, May 24, 2006

From May 23

Welcome back to Chriswasanon - special human powered cycle- Anarchist after-life issue. So Steve didn't show up for a day there but now he's back with Mr. Shovel.

I used to share a house in the mid -eighties with the former test pilot of Mike Burrows Windcheetah "speedy" recumbent bicycles. The lovely and hairy and bearded Andy Pegg. Monsieur Le Pegg when he wasn't windowcleaning around the houses with his ladders strapped to the side of his enormous sit-up-and-beg old Grandad bike,

A sit up and beg bike.

would be seen around in our small city riding one of these and sometimes with a racing fairing over it.

Psychedelic attire and a flag projecting from the yellow headrest helps here so that lorry drivers have full visibility. Andy Pegg in pink skin suit modelling recumbent.

Ride quality superb, you are low down in one of these so the ground just whizzes along beneath you. Noise- minimal. Murder on the calf muscles! WindCheetah designer Mike Burrows was of course the man who gave GB. our Gold medal at the Barcelona Olympics with Chris Boardman in 1994.

Prevent eyestrain by using a green font colour. After Pegg Pink and Yellow this is necessary. Well wasn't that a splendid Lemmy and Slim-Jim interview? The great thing is, we give you the chance to DO IT all over again in any colo(u)r you like! So now we got the bicycling maniacs out of the way - admit it, don't you want a speedy now you've seen one - lets ponder for one second, the after-life. Well, I think people have to have something to believe in, religions and cults and all sorts of rituals and superstitions are built around this very fact. So nobody has yet come back and said, so - doesn't mean it isn't impossible. Or that they have returned to incarnate as a cat or something...I keep an open mind...usually if people say that they are other than a human being I believe that they can't be in a legal state of mind. Let's see what Steve thinks...


Tina IS at the controls!

Steve: (belch) You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox on Indie 1031. God, we actually started at twelve o’clock, Mr. Shovel. I think that’s the first time.

Mr. Shovel: I’m sorry. It was an accident.

Steve: Oh. It’s a gorgeous day out. Obviously you know that unless you’re living in the basement somewhere…in California, that is. It’s gorgeous. Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous. I was off yesterday, I guess some of you noticed. Some of you probably didn’t…and I was a bit under the weather but more than anything else, I was just burnt out, coming in here every day. I’m different than most normal people who can show up every day. I burn out. I’m not as strong as most of you working-class people. I’m weak in that department and I need to air my head every now and again. But all I know is, it’s gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous out there right now. I love it. The whole place changes when Summer kicks in. So weird, it rained yesterday. What a day to take off, it bleedin’ rains. It was nice yesterday evening, absolutely delightful. It was fantastic.

I can never figure out them guys on bicycles, they think they own the road. You ever notice that, Shovel? These guys have all the gear and all the colored shirts and the tight little pants and their helmets and the shoes…they think they own the road now. Like they own the right-of-way cos they’re on a bicycle or something? Cos they’ve got all the gear on, like they’re professionals or something? I don’t understand that.

Mr. Shovel: I think they do have the right-of-way.

Steve: They’re doing ten miles an hour. They’re in the middle of the bleedin’ road. What, what’s going on? And they get the ump if you want to get past ‘em. They get all like, upset. What’s the “way”(?) about? When I used to have a bicycle, I used to go on the, inside like, the edge of the road. Near the pavement, that’s like, where you drive. All the sudden, you’ve put some fancy poof’s outfit on, all of a sudden you’re allowed to go in the middle of the road whenever you feel like it?

Mr. Shovel: Well, that’s a different story, yeah. That’s no good.

Steve: It’s crazy. They’re lucky they don’t get smashed…rear ended.
Freddy…from Freddie and The Dreamers died the other day, suddenly. I don’t know what…I don’t know what he died of but you’ve heard me play him and of course I’ll put, do a little song for him, one of his hits. It’s too bad. I guess people die – he must have been seventy, maybe… sixty-five, seventy somewhere in that ballpark – not many people live past eighty, do they? Seems like the majority of people kind of croak it…between seventies and eighties. Not many people live to a hundred.

Mr. Shovel: More and more people are.

Steve: Starting to?

Mr. Shovel: Yeah.

Steve: I wonder how long I’ll live to? Funny, innit. I love the way everyone’s got predictions and where you go after you die. No one knows but - you understand, NOBODY KNOWS. Some people are convinced that you go, your spirit leaves and goes into another spirit that comes back…how do you know? You don’t know. Why (are) people so sure of what happens when you die? What do you think happens, Shovel?

Mr. Shovel: I don’t know.

Steve: Exactly. You don’t know, just…that’s fine. You don’t know. You might think you know, but at the end of the day, you don’t know. “Oh, but I think that I’ve been in this place before.” “You look familiar. I must have met you in a past life.” “I swear I was a pirate in my old life, cos I like going on the ocean.” You know what I mean?

Mr. Shovel: When people have past life regressions, they’re never just average people.

Steve: No, they’re like you know, Adolph Hitler or Blackbeard or you know, bleedin’ Queen Elizabeth or Shakespeare. They’re not just some average Joe Blow. It’s always like some…

Mr. Shovel: “I used to clean out the latrines.”

Steve: Yeah. “I’ve been here somewhere before. This toilet looks familiar. I’m sure I’ve cleaned this in my past life.” FOOLS! Wakey, wakey! Rise and shine. (strums guitar)

It’s good to be back. My voice sounds weird, dunnit?

Mr. Shovel: A little bit. You’re still getting over that thing, that sickness you had.

Steve: Yes. No, I copped to it. I…wasn’t completely sick yesterday. I wanted a day off, simple as that. I’m not bleedin’ Ryan Seacrest, I’m not a robot. I burn out. I needed a day off. No denying that. But I was a bit sick Friday and Saturday. Let’s play a song for Freddy. Poor ol’ Freddy. I’m going to look on the internet when we get rockin’ and figure out how he died. Poor sod. This is for Freddy. He’s up there in rock and roll heaven with Sid and all the rest of ‘em. And this song is called, “You Were Made For Me”. Take it away, Mr. Shovel.

~~~ ~~~
Steve: As I was talking about what happens when you die, I went on to say that, “Oh, there he goes. He’s going to meet Sid up in Heaven.” See, I’m falling for it, too. How do I know there’s a Heaven? I don’t.

Mr. Shovel: And how do you know Sid’s there?

Steve: Exactly. You don’t know. But then, you know, I caught myself out by saying as if I know he’s going to go somewhere where someone else is.

Mr. Shovel: That’s a pretty good image, though. Sid, the way we picture him onstage with Freddy doing his dance.

Steve: Yeah, and all the others, all the other musicians that are brown bread, too. It’s probably a Hall of Fame, up there actually, for dead people I would imagine. I wonder if they’re all sitting around, smoking cigarettes.

Mr. Shovel: I wonder if Sid showed up for it?

Steve: Oh, knowing Sid, he probably didn’t. He was crazy. I wonder if you get welcomed as you come up to the pearly gates…”Hello, Mr. Dreamer. Come right in. I’m sorry you had an early life. Come right in, sit over there, we’ll take your statistics and then we’ll evaluate you where your going to go after this. Just have a seat over there thank you.” And then you, you know, get his age, where he’s from. I think he was from Liverpool, I don’t know. “Okay, you’re going in that room over there. Enjoy yourself for the rest of eternity. You go over there with the other Liverpudlians and tell jokes and steal hubcaps. You’re gonna love it.” You know what I mean? As long as there’s a pie and mash shop wherever I go for eternity…if I knew that for a fact, I’d probably end it now and go there. Just kidding. I have more work to do, in this hell hole before I go.

Mr. Shovel: Yeah, it’s only Monday.

Steve: Yes, I have - Tuesday, actually – I have to spray L.A. with my intelligence, my outlook on life. Orange County…Malibu…Ventura Boulevard. You ARE listening to me, aren’t you? Yes, of course you are. Who else would you be listening to at 12:25. Ryan Seacrest, of course not. He’s an idiot, a fool, a jackabite and a robot. You don’t want him, you want me. You want intelligence. I’m so intelligent I don’t know what to do with myself. Don’t you agree Mr. Shovel? (bursts out laughing)

Mr. Shovel: It’s another great Jonesy (bit?) right there. (hard to make out over Steve’s laughter)

Steve: We’re gonna go visit The Duke. I don’t know why I keep bagging on that guy, he’s probably a nice guy, Mr. Seacrust. Crusty sea. Take it away, Mr. Shovel.

~~~ ~~~
(After the whistle, “The Age Of Aquarius” where Steve was expertly accompanied by Mr. Shovel on the melodica)

Steve: (New York accent) Yeah that’s right, was the dawning of “The Age Of Aquarius” by the Fifth Dimensions (sic). There’s a lot on dimensions in e-harmony. Compatible.

Mr. Shovel: Forty-three.

Steve: Forty-three dimensions. That’s the biggest load of nonsense under the sun. Do you understand?

Mr. Shovel: Could work.

Steve: It’s impossible. What do you write? What, you write down all your…

Mr. Shovel: Well, have you tried it, cos it’s…whatever you’re doing’s not working.

Steve: I’m not even…I don’t care if it’s not working. I’m happy not working in relationships. Why does everyone have to keep trying to have a relationship? It’s not for everyone. Just accept it. You’re gonna be a loner ‘til you die and then you’re gonna come back as a pirate in a past life. Like, what do you write down there, if you go to bleedin’ E-Harmony?:
“I like to eat a lot and I like to fart, I like to sleep. I don’t want to be disturbed, don’t move any of my stuff around in my house” um, what else? You write all that down…is that what you do, you write down a list of all the things…your kind of peeves and what you like doing?

Mr. Shovel: You write what you don’t like…

Steve: Yeah. And then…the other bird at the other end says, “Oh, I don’t mind a guy who farts, maybe I’ll give him a call.” Is that how it works?

Mr. Shovel: You can try that…

Steve: Something like that.

Mr. Shovel: See how that goes for ya.

Steve: Yeah. “Compatible”. Compatable, my ass.

Mr. Shovel: No, you’re supposed to say, “I like to take long walks on short beaches…”

Steve: Yes, "...and sit by fireplaces with a cup of Horlicks, staring at your face.” Yeah.

Mr. Shovel: Fireplaces and sunsets. Roses and wine.

Steve: Moonlit walks. (U.S. accent) “I’ve very outgoing. I like to hike, I love animals.” (Sopranos accent) Get outta here! GET OUTTA HERE!! You ain’t gettin’ nothin’. Compatible my ass. Get outta here.

(and with that, they again launch into “The Age Of Aquarius”.)

~~~ ~~~

Joint Tina the transcriber and chriswasanon the riffer production.


ChispaFilthyLucre said...

Thank you very much
excellent work
best to yours

The Indie Dog said...

"Excellent smithers...excellent!"