(We join our host and his guest, Mr. Ferguson, at the end of the first half-hour of the show. A set of songs has just been played and well, this is where the recording starts, with discussion in progress)
Craig: …but you’re bordering transvestite with that name, anyway.
Steve: Right. You’re right. Yeah. Silly of me.
Craig: It’s all right.
Steve: Um…did you ever hear of that bloke in that last song? Ral Donner?
Craig: Ral Donner. I’ve heard that guy. I used to work in a fairground when I was a teenager and they used to play that and they used to play a lot of doo wop stuff as well.
Steve: Right, right.
Craig: Um…we used to work on these uh, the waltzers. Do you know the waltzers?
Steve: Yeah, of course. You’d get a Fairground Ted, the guy…
Craig: That was me, except…
Steve: …giving it the large on the side.
Craig: Yeah…it was like, “That’ll Be The Day”, the David Essex film. I used to do that and…
Steve: One of my favorite movies.
Craig: That’s a good film that, isn’t it?
Steve: And follow-up with “Stardust”.
Craig: Yeah, with ah…wasn’t Ringo Starr in it?
Steve: Ringo Starr, Adam Faith…
Craig: And David Essex.
Steve: David Essex.
Craig: David Essex was one of those twinkly blokes, wasn’t he. He was always twinkling. And he used to talk like that, always twinkling, (talking like a “twinkly bloke” ) “I love the ladies”.
Steve: Yeah, he was a, he was a bit pretentious, I thought.
Craig: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Steve: You know what I mean?
Craig: Yeah. He was…
Steve: Pretty boy…a pretty boy.
Craig: Pretty boy, twinklin’. But that’s what happens, you see…
Steve: He was like an actor, he was one of these like, kid actors, he reminded me of.
Craig: You know, he reminded me of Jack Wilde, who actually did well over here with “H.R. Puffinstuff”.
Steve: Was he in that?
Craig: Yeah, he was, he was the, he wasn’t H.R. Puffinstuff, but…
Steve: But he was the original…
Steve: Oliver, right.
Craig: No, ah, what’s his name, ummm…
Steve: Oliver Twist.
Craig: Yeah, but he wasn’t Oliver, he was…(chuckles)
Steve: Is that his last name?
Craig: Oliver Twist.
Craig: Yeah, Oliver Twist, that was his name. Yeah, well…Charles Dickens…they’ve all got names like, “Mrs. Crutchywiggle” and all that. Back in those days, everybody had wiggly names like that. Nowadays names have been shortened.
Steve: Then transvestites came into the picture…
Craig: That’s right – and everything went digital and the names got shorter. What are you doing?
Steve: (Scottish accent) Drinking some water.
Craig: Oh. Okay. I couldn’t see cos it was the radio.
Steve: Um, what about The Rubettes. I know you heard of them.
Craig: Uh, “Sugar Baby Love” was the song you played, right? The Rubettes. They used to always wear these big Donny Osmond caps as I seem to remember…
Steve: And they’re wearin’ them right there.
Craig: Oh, right there on the cover of their cd. They must all be taxi drivers by now, or dead.
Steve: Yeah, probably.
Steve: Or the rubber on the tires.
Steve: But you know what? You know that in some bloke’s office in Denmark Street when they were just like, wearing clogs and platform boots…
Steve: …and they said, “Okay, I’ve got this song. I’m gonna call you The Rubettes…I’ve got it! White caps!”
Craig: White caps, yeah.
Steve: “That’ll be your image…”
Craig: “That’ll set you apart from the rest…”
Steve: “…all the rest.”
Steve: Funny stuff.
Craig: I know. I thought: walking sticks. That’s when I was in a band. "We’ll all have walking sticks." Didn’t work.
That’s why you never heard of us.
Steve: Excellent stuff. So, it’s fun, innit?
Craig: What is?
Steve: Being here.
Craig: Well, it’s nice here. I quite like the transvestite club in Luxembourg as well. That was nice.
Steve: I wonder if it’s still there?
Craig: Nah…they roam around. It’s like those parties in L.A., you know the clubs in L.A.
Steve: Swinger parties.
Craig: Do they have them? Really?
Craig: I’ve heard of them.
Steve: I’d never get in cos you’ve always got to take a bird in with you.
Craig: Well, I wouldn’t go. I’d be too embarrassed. I don’t want to see a bunch of people with their…see, I’ve got very strict rules about sexuality.
Craig: So, if you have sex and there’s another man in the room, you’re gay.
Craig: Yeah. Even if you don’t go near him.
Steve: I know what you mean.
Craig: Yeah, that’s my rules.
Steve: I can’t imagine…like two blokes and a bird.
Craig: (Firmly) No, no.
Steve: Touching…testicles, know what I mean? It’s just not good.
Craig: Don’t want that. Don’t you get censored on this show?
Steve: I think so…
Steve: The RSPCA, they’re always on us.
Craig: (Laughing) The RSPCA…The Royal Society for Prevention of Cruelty To Animals. They’re always hovering around.
Steve: I don’t know…I mean, (to Mr. Shovel) have we ever had a knock on the door (from) the RSPCA?
Mr. Shovel: No, but I’ve hit the button quite a few times.
Craig: Oh. Did you, did you hit it there when he said…
Mr. Shovel: Got close. Got close.
Steve: I wasn’t swearin’ there was I?
Craig: No, no…it’s a body part. It was a body part.
Steve: I mean, you know, that’s what doctors call them? Testicles?
Craig: Well, I had a doctor once who said to me…(laughs) I went to the doctor and I had to...I got rid of the doctor, I got another doctor, cos when he was talking about my penis, he said, “How’s Mr. Happy doing?” I said, “I don’t want you calling it ‘Mr. Happy’. You’re a doctor.” He said, “Oh, ho ho.” I said, “NO “oh ho ho”. You have to know the correct medical term. You’re a doctor. And nobody calls it ‘Mr. Happy’, not even me. Not even people I like call my penis ‘Mr. Happy’ and actually, at the moment he’s not very happy because he’s at the doctor.”
Steve: That’s what I mean.
Craig: He’s much happier, he’s happier elsewhere. (general laughter)
Steve: (disgusted) “Mr. Happy”. The bleedin’ cheek…
Craig: (equally disgusted) “Mr. Happy”. Oh gawd. Patronizing bastard…
Steve: How dare he.
Craig: I know. I know. Just cos I never went to medical school…
Steve: I call mine Mr. Sensitive.
Craig: Do you really.
Steve: He’s a sensitive bloke, yeah.
Craig: I don’t call mine at all. And he doesn’t call me.
Steve: Sensitive chap. (They laugh) Are we gonna visit The Duke? We’re here with Craig Ferguson. You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox, we’ll be right back after these wonderful messages.
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
(they’ve returned after the commercial break, Craig comments that he didn’t think that the furniture at the Indie offices would be so modern)
Steve: Yeah, I know. You get an image of…you get an image of things, don’t you, when you don’t see them.
Craig: Well, I thought when I heard the show, that it was coming from a wee, dark, kind of scary place somewhere downtown.
Steve: That’s what it sounds like.
Craig: Yeah, but you come in here and there’s these giant couches out there that look like they’re from…really, couches from another planet.
Steve: They actually look like marrow.
Craig: (exclaims) The DO look like, maybe hollowed out, giant root vegetables…that have somehow been hardened and varnished and turned into…
Steve: and pickled…
Craig: And pickled, and turned into delightful yet tasty furniture. What’re you doing?
Steve: I’m trying to tune this guitar…
Craig: Why you going to start now, after all these years?
Steve: We’re going to do a Whistle in a little bit, and you’re going to whistle.
Craig: All right.
Steve: Now, didn’t you run into Nico or something? Didn’t you have something to do with…
Craig: I used to, I was the drummer for Nico for about ten minutes on a British tour that she did. Nico recorded with The Velvet Underground) It wasn’t at the height of her career. She…I think she enjoyed the ah…what the kids call, the “heroin”. And she used to take a lot of it and she sang very, she sang with a harmonium. Most of the show was done with just her and the harmonium, singing old dirges about Luxembourgian transvestites or something…(imitates her)
Steve: (Singing dirgelike with German accent) Sign ze papers…
Craig: (continues imitation, some unintelligible. Hey, he’s a Scottish guy doing a German accent. Now he shifts to singing dirgelike as Colonel Klink) Colonel Hogan! what do you think you’re doing? (imitates harmonium) dee-dee-dee-dee…
Steve: (He’s laughing)
Craig: You used to use your feet on the harmonium. Do-do-do-do-dooo. So it was kind of like the music for “Jaws” and “Hogan’s Heroes” put together. (they laugh) And then, she, for the last three songs we used to do, “Sweet Jane”, “Waiting For The Man” and “All Tomorrow’s Parties” and that was great, because they’re great songs and she would stop playing the harmonium then and play with the band.
Steve: And then it sounded good.
Craig: Well, certainly better than the harmonium. It’s all relative. I mean, if a crowd has been listening to some German bird playing the harmonium for an hour and a half, it doesn’t matter how bad the band is. When they come on, they’re just delighted to see somebody else.
Steve: Something different, yeah.
Craig: Yeah, exactly.
Steve: I mean, could she actually play? Did she know chords?
Craig: Oh, yeah, yeah. She knew about four, about four of those chords…I think she was very sick. She was a very sick woman by that point, poor soul.
Craig: I wasn’t really a “catch” as a drummer. She didn’t like, get to Scotland and go, “Let’s get this guy!”, you know. I mean cos the good guys were playing with Alex Harvey and The Bay City Rollers.
Steve: And the other bird with the big onions…
Craig: Who’s that?
Craig: Oh, Moira Anderson.
Steve: Moira Anderson.
Craig: She didn’t need a drummer, it was just bagpipes and accordions with her. She didn’t need, she had the thunderous Japanese kodo drums of her mighty breasts to keep the rhythm.
Steve: What did you think of that movie, “Braveheart”?
Craig: It was alright.
Steve: Was all that true, all that? Not, not the movie…obviously that’s a load of bollocks…
Craig: What, that we hate the English?
Steve: No, the um…well, we know the Scots hate the English…
Craig: No we don’t. See, I don’t think that Scots do hate the English. I think the Scots hate the upper class English. Which is the same as…the English hate the upper class English, too.
Steve: Yeah, I do.
Craig: You know, I mean, Cockneys and guys in Manchester, guys in Newcastle, guys in Liverpool, I’ve always got on fine with people like that. But there is that kind of, you know, the upper class thing. It’s more of a class thing, I think, than it is about Scotland and England.
Steve: It’s terrible, innit, in England, really.
Craig: It’s horrible. It’s just horrible, when you get these (snooty British accent) terrible sort of upper class sort of people like that. I just, I do find them terribly unpleasant.
Craig: I say you can tell someone’s posh: instead of saying the word, “yes”, they say, (sounds like) “eers”. “Eeers, I do. Eeers.” “Are you going to the (? Unintelligible)” “Eeers, eers, I am.” (they laugh) “Would you like a shag?” “Eeers…eers, I would. Well done.”
Steve: (upper crusty accent) “Hard cheese.”
Craig: “Is that a giant meadow or are you just pleased to see me?”
Steve: “Is that a turnip you’re holding…?”
Craig: “What a lovely root vegetable, Vicar.”
Steve: Um, what’s the other word…? When they say “suit”, too. They say, “syoot”.
Craig: Yes. “I’ve got a Saville Row syoot.”
Steve: “Is the a three-piece syoot?” (they laugh)
Craig: “Did you have that syoot made-to-measure or did you buy it from the rack?”
Steve: “Oh, oh. It’s off the peg...”
Craig: “Oh yes, off the peg.” That’s where the “full monty” comes from, doesn’t it? You know that phrase, it comes from “the syoot”. Cos when folk were getting demobbed from the moor they used to give them the “Full Montague Burton”, which was the name of the tailors that give you the (sounds like “dins”?)
Craig: Yeah, Burton’s, Montague Burton’s was the tailors and when people were coming out of the army after the war, they used to give them a suit. They’d give them a demobbed syoot. You’d get the “full Montague Burton”…
Craig: …or “The full Monty”, which meant “the whole thing”, which became, then – not wearing clothes at all…
Craig: …in popular, modern parlance.
Steve: So… that was after the Second World War.
Craig: Yeah…but back then I was only in my teens then.
Steve: For winning the war, you got a free suit.
Craig: (laughing) You got a free suit! For storming the Nazis.
Steve: It’s a bleedin’ bargain, innit?
Craig: For ridding the world of the Nazi menace…
Steve: “Here’s a syoot.”
Craig: “Here’s a syoot. Well done, members of the lower order!”
Craig: “Well done. Here’s some clothes.”
Steve: “Now carry on picking vegetables.”
Craig: “Now, back to your mallows, everyone.” (both laugh) “Would you like some beet root, with your syoot?” Oh, dear.
Steve: What other vegetables are we missing?
Craig: I…think there are root vegetables in other parts of the world, but basically Scotland is turnips. Turnips and ah…
Craig: But parsnips is an English thing. We don’t do parsnips. We call ‘em here “sweet potatoes”.
Steve: That’s not the same, though, as parsnips.
Craig: Well, not a parsnip but it’s the same as…
Steve: Sweet potato here is like…
Craig: Well, it’s like an aubergine…
Steve: …orange…orange, innit? It’s like a healthy potato.
Craig: No, no no…it’s a remarkable invention of genetic engineering. It’s a potato which has been sweetened to taste delicious.
Steve: You mean, it’s one of them genetic…
Craig: It’s a genetically altered potato.
Steve: What do you think about all that genetically altered chickens and ducks and pigs…
Craig: I’m all for it. As soon as we can get giant chickens the size of a house, we can rid the world of the Nazi menace and we wouldn’t have to send people out to fight wars, we could send the giant genetically altered animals.
Steve: The genetic ones. Yeah, the genetic ones.
Craig: So then for example, not only – you know…if any of these giant animals are you know, killed in combat, you can send ‘em home tasty.
Steve: Give them an injection and they will make another one and move him on.
Craig: And, you can still eat them.
Steve: But they could turn on ya.
Craig: The could turn…well, that’s usually what happens when you genetically engineer something is that it goes nuts and then goes on a rampage, then you have to call somebody.
Steve: Can always turn on ya, that’s the problem with ‘em.
Craig: It’s like…in the Fifties it was atomic stuff. You know, like Spiderman bit by a radioactive spider.
Steve: Right, right.
Craig: You know. Although nowadays it’s the genetically altered…but it’s so much the same.
Steve: Do you think, do you think that really will be a part of the future though, all that?
Craig: What? Giant chickens, fighting the war?
Craig: Yeah I do. I think…it’s days away.
Steve: With syoots on.
Craig: With syoots. That’ll be…the chickens’ll come back from winning the war and they’ll say, “Where’s OUR suits?” And then the whole, then the whole country will be awash with giant chickens wearing suits going, “Right. Where’s ours? Where’s ours?”
Steve: “Where’s our clobber?”
Craig: Yeah yeah. “Where’s my seed?”
Steve: Bleedin’ cheek.
Craig: “Get out of my way. I’ll peck ya!”
Steve: “I’ll claw you to death!”
Craig: Chickens are uh…I don’t like chickens very much. I had a job once, looking after chickens. I don’t like ‘em. They’re the only birds I know that crap on their own eggs.
Steve: Well, they eat their own feces, chickens.
Craig: “They eat their own feet”, I thought you were going to say. And they might do that, too.
Steve: No, but they do. They eat their own…toilet.
Craig: They eat their own poop, yeah. Well you know, waste not, want not…
Steve: Cows are a lot cleaner.
Craig: Cows are very clean. I have a cow come round to my house to clean it up.
Steve: And pigs. Pigs are, actually…
Craig: Pigs are very clean. Cows and pigs, if left to their own devices will put out scatter cushions and little…pashminas over the couch.
Steve: Yeah, yeah, the plastic ones. (Craig is laughing) If they live in a council house, they put the plastic ones on them.
Craig: That’s right, yeah and they take it off when they’ve got very special people coming ‘round.
Steve: I don’t mind a bit of swine.
Craig: ”You swine, Guv’nor!”
Steve: What do you think about fox hunting? Do you think they should or shouldn’t?
Craig: I…well it depends…
Steve: (Bellows grandly) “I personally think…”
Craig: I, personally…I thought…no. I think all the foxes have been found. I don’t think they have to look any further.
Steve: Well, the genetic ones?
Craig: Well, if it was fox huntin’ for giant altered foxes that could like, fight back - in a convincing manner, I’d be all for it.
Steve: Yeah. It’s a fair fight.
Craig: Then it’s fair. A giant five hundred, six hundred pound fox, then you’re alright.
Steve: Then you’re laughing.
Craig: Yeah yeah yeah. Although you don’t want to get near that.
Steve: No. Especially when they fart. Horrible.
Craig: Well they’re meat eaters, the fox.
Steve: Yeah, I know.
Craig: That’s what make it. Cos animals that, you know, that are - I learned this from my son’s “Everybody Poops” book – that animals that eat just vegetables, their farts aren’t smelly.
Steve: Their what?
Craig: Their farts. They aren’t smelly.
Steve: See, that’s why mine don’t.
Craig: What, you a vegetarian then?
Craig: But if you eat meat, then they’ll…
Steve: If I go for a week without eating meat…they’re odorless.
Craig: Well, if I…
Steve: Eggs as well. If you have egg whites…
Steve: Farting for days…rotten.
Craig: Well that’s, it’s the protein, innit?
Steve: So…oh okay. So it’s the protein that make you stink.
Craig: I, I don’t know…I’m not –? (mock indignation) Listen, I never expected to be put under the microscope about my feelings about genetically altered chickens. I came here in all good faith and you’ve, and you’ve put me through the mill all this stuff about genetic engineering for farm animals and fightin’ combat…
Steve: And transvestites. And free suits if you win a war.
Craig: …free suits if you win a war.
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
Steve: You are listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox on Indie 1031, the home of…genetically altered chickens going to war.
Craig: Yeah, and, and you get a free suit if you win.
Steve: Yeah. What does the loser get?
Steve: A marrow.
Craig: Swimmin’ trunks. You have to walk around in swimmin’ trunks as punishment.
Craig: And their chickens all have to be regular-sized.
Steve: You get tarred, as well.
Craig: Tarred and feathered. They used to do that to people, didn’t they?
Craig: Yeah. That’s probably a website for sex with perverts.
Steve: Exactly. They did that to French birds who went on the Nazi side.
Craig: Yeah, that’s right. They used to shave their hair first. Shave them and then tar and feather them.
Steve: Put carbolic soap on them. Do you remember that? Do you remember that?
Craig: (sounds amazed) Carbolic soap? Yeah, I do…why did they put carbolic soap on them?
Steve: No, they didn’t. But I was just…
Craig: Oh you remembered, you remembed carbolic soap?
Craig: I just remembered it too, at the same…well, just after you said it, I remembered it.
Steve: What is, what was that all about? Was it actually soap, or was it like, some detergent or something?
Craig: I think it was soap, but it was a special type of soap that didn’t really get you clean but just gave you a rash.
Steve: It was bizarre, wunnit?
Craig: Yeah yeah yeah. But it was very cheap.
Steve: You know what else gave you a rash, was the toilet paper you used to have at school.
Craig: Yeah…it was very crinkly. Very ah…very…vicious.
Steve: Well, if you put a slice of it ‘round…
Craig: (laughing) A "slice" of toilet paper…
Steve: If you put it ‘round a cone, you could do a hummerzoo with it. (hummerzoo=kazoo)
Craig: Yeah, that right. You had a comb and paper. Yeah, that was how we used to, when I was a serf, that was how we used to make our music at night ‘round the campfire.
Steve: And also, do you remember – here’s one for you, Swarfega.
Craig: Swarfega I used to use when I worked in the factory. It was a big tub of green goo and you get your ha…I wish I had it now, I was working on my motorbike this morning and I got some oil…and I cut my hand, look…and see, if I’d had the Swarfiga, which is that green goo you just rub on and it takes everything off - including a layer of skin…
Steve: I’m sure they have an American version of it.
Craig: Swarfiga? Well, if there’s anyone out there listening, I wouldn’t mind a tub, I’ll pay…
Steve: That stuff would clean anything, wunnit?
Craig: It would, yeah.
Steve: And you’d go into some places, like work places, they’d have like, huuuge tubs of it.
Craig: Giant vats of it.
Steve: FLAGONS of it.
Craig: (this make him laugh) Flagons! Giant, huge, huge amounts of Swarfiga...
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
That's all I have for this one...