from 1/24/07 - Dodgy Lodging

In this episode Steve tells us about his trip home from Sundance.


Steve: We left after the show (the live remote Indie broadcast), me and Dougie. We drove, got out of there. Stopped for something to eat and then just drove and drove…and then there’s that time change when you leave…at one point there’s there like four states all close to each other and there’s that hour time difference going back and forth, I don’t know how that works.

But anyway we was coming down into Vegas, it’s the most beautiful, if you come that way ‘round at night, coming into Vegas, it’s amazing. It’s so beautiful. It’s different than coming the other way from L.A. to Vegas. My gut feeling was to just keep going, driving cos I was up for doing it and Dougie’s like, “No, no…let’s stay in Vegas you need to rest. There’s no rush to get back, you got tomorrow off.”

And so we tossed a coin. Heads, we stay in Vegas. Tails, we keep going. Now, what he told me this morning, he lied, it was tails. That meant we should have kept going and because we didn’t get going, we stopped at the Hard Rock. It was full-up. I went to the counter. This is like, twelve at night. Went to the counter - it was full-up, it was crowded. When we parked in the parking lot, all the lights were on in the rooms. But I could have probably got a room, seeing that they have all Sex Pistols on the blackjack tables and Sid Vicious one-armed bandits and whatnot.

I walked up to the woman, the woman says to me, “Yes?” I said, “Is there, do you have any rooms?” She goes, “Not in the front, only suites”. I said, “How much is the suites?” She goes, “Hold on a second…” she’s typing away. She goes, “Oh, I’m sorry sir, we have nothing.” You know, I forget what I’m looking like. I just drove for like eight hours, I look like the Unabomber and so I think she’s panicking and didn’t want me to stay there. Now I could have made a fuss and said, “Don’t you know who I am, young lady?”

Mr. Shovel: Your quote’s up on their…your misquote…

Steve: “The only notes that count are the ones that come in wads”. That’s me, lady.

Mr. Shovel: That’s up over the door.

Steve: Yeah, I couldn’t be bothered, though. I probably looked scary cos I had me hat on and…I had the Unabomber look going, the beard thing. She said, “I would suggest you go across the street.” So we went across the street to some dump. Dougie wanted us to stay in there. He got the room. We drove…one of them big complex places, you know? Like a mile. You go around the back and it’s all dodgy. I didn’t want to leave any of the stuff in the car.

Mr. Shovel: This was a Monday night.

Steve: Monday night. This place is dead, mind you. But it’s…you go into the room and it’s…you think like, you know, Ike Turner’s gonna come out of the closet with a crack pipe, it’s one of them kind of places. And the sheets were like just, oh…it was just wrong, man. And there was like, holes in the walls and…the thing that really put me off, one of the windows were like cracked open a little bit? I think that was done deliberately so that when you’re akip in there someone can get in. It was like something out of “Cops”. It was like a room when you know, when “Cops” go in them rooms and arrest people. It was like one of them. I’m like, “Dougie, I’m not staying here.” So we got out. Then a plane went by. You could see the people in the plane, that’s how close the plane was, you know what I mean? It was just wrong, it was a wrong place anyway. I was just, “C’mon. I’m gonna drive. I’m not staying here. I won’t be able to sleep here", it was too weird.

So we got back on the freeway – (we'd just) wasted an hour. All this time…wasted an hour. Stopped at the gas station, filled up. They had a Starbucks there, a 24-hour Starbucks and I had a four-shot latte…and got going and then just drove all the way back. Got back about four in the morning. My eyes were coming out me head. That is weird. And he’s akip in the back of the truck…

Mr. Shovel: That means “asleep”, right?

Steve: He was asleep in the back. When you’re by yourself up there, your mind plays tricks on you and you get the ole white light and the…it’s just weird. I’m sure it does your brain cells in cos you have to concentrate so much, you have to stay awake. So we literally drove for like, fourteen hours, nonstop. I got to bed at about four. I woke up at seven, all like, freaked out, you know? Just kind of a vulnerable feeling. I can’t explain it. I guess it’s travel, you know…and I just got up, I had a cup of tea and I just went back to bed. Didn’t wake up ‘til like, two o’clock, perfect time. (the time his show ends) I could have come in; it would have killed me. Anyway, you wouldn’t have got a great story like that if I would have come in.

Mr. Shovel: So why’d your buddy decide to tell you he lied?

Steve: Cos he wanted to stay. He thought we should have stayed and slept…but it all went wrong – see? See what happens? I say, tossing a coin? That’s how God wants it to be.

Mr. Shovel: It says, “In God We Trust” right there on the coin…

Steve: Exactly! It says it on all money. You toss it, “In God We Trust”. God was right. He wanted us to keep going. But he – Dougie – got silly and took God into his own hands and it all backfired. He defied the Laws of The Pontiff. (inhales dramatically) He must never defy again.

Anyway, I had fun up there, it was good. The show was good. You’ve got to be doing something up in Sundance, though…if you’re sitting on your ass, it’s a waste of time if you don’t ski or snowboard. Lot of birds up there. It gives them a legitimate reason to wear Ugg boots, I’ll give ‘em that much. It’s the only time they should. Don’t wear them in Malibu in the summer. Ugg boots work well up in Sundance. All the different type of models Ugg boots you can get now, there’s so many, you know. They’re like caveman boots, some of them, all the fur hanging off them and whatnot. Funny. There was a bunch of movies…the ones I was talking about…the bird with the teeth in the minge?

Mr. Shovel: (laughing) Yeah…

Steve: I want to see that.

Mr. Shovel: It’s right up your alley, isn’t it.

Steve: Right up my strasse. I want to see that, and I want to see the one with the bloke who liked the horses, fell in love with the horses.

Mr. Shovel: It seemed for some reason that the stuff that was hot were the films that, you know, were really bizarre perversions.

Steve: Yeah, cos you think, are they just putting these movies together just to get attention, or is there some genuine…is this what people do? I mean, do blokes fall in love with horses and have it off with horses? Is it like, a “thing”? I mean, I don’t know if it’s about bestiality or it’s about, if it’s like, a thing, that these blokes love horses and they want to get rumped by horses.

Mr. Shovel: For next year’s festival, people are going to go out of their way to you know, make a film about a guy who puts furniture in his rear end or something.

Steve: But this is fall in love with a horse, I think. Live, loving a horse. I don’t know. I want to see it. (sighs) Should we play some rock and roll? I’ve been talking here for so long. Take it away, Mr. Shovel…