Steve: You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox on Monday on Indie, four minutes after twelve bells. A bit nippy but gorgeous out. Clear as a bell. Last night was a bit chilly but it was, it was nice. Nice, nice, nice. Did I mention I have deer coming in my back yard?
Mr. Shovel: Yeah, I think so.
Steve: Yeah…they’re relentless now. They’ve gotten comfortable. They’re just eating everything in sight.
Mr. Shovel: How do they get in there?
Steve: They get in around the back. There’s like a…they go up this hill and come back down and they’ve obviously, they’re limited (in) what they can eat. They only like ivy and stuff. I don’t think they eat a lot of other stuff.
Mr. Shovel: Real picky. Picky eaters.
Steve: Well, yeah. I think they just, I dunno. But I don’t mind them. Let ‘em eat as much as they want, even though it looks like, it looks terrible. It’s not green anymore where they eat. It’s just like…shrubs. But it’ll grow back and it is the season to be giving, you know what I mean? Deer are not excluded.
Mr. Shovel: Well especially deer.
Steve: Yeah, they’re like…reindeer.
Mr. Shovel: Well there you go.
Steve: That’s what I’m talking about. I actually like it, though…having them. I’m glad that I can be of service to the deer.
Mr. Shovel: You know there’s people who would be like, really happy to shoot them.
Steve: Oh, I know.
Mr. Shovel: Pretty ridiculous.
Steve: Yeah it is cos they’re such little creatures of beauty, you know? Non-threatening animals. I don’t understand that whole Ted Nugent concept. Well, his concept is one thing, but just killing them for the sake of it, just for a laugh…
Mr. Shovel: Well they rationalize it by saying, “Well, they’re going to starve to death anyway.” That’s because they’ve run out of land to get food from.
Steve: Right…just ignorant people. Don’t need to do it anymore. Before there were supermarkets I understood, you had to go and kill things to eat, to live. What else is happening? There was something I was going to talk about. Deer…I had a weird dream last night. Oh, I had some, I ate a load of cashew nuts last night. I had a little relapse. I had that “DaVinci Code” movie. Got in bed and I remembered I had a huge bag of cashew nuts so I went and filled up a cup full of them, got back in bed and just started grazing and I woke up this morning not feeling good, felt horrible.
Mr. Shovel: You had some weird dream? Cos of the nuts?
Steve: I dunno. I did have a weird dream. I was at my mum’s place in England and I was kind of staying in there and this person was acting, it was like a bloke, dressed up as a woman, he was acting as my mum…like, a transvestite and fooled me for a long time. Then I suddenly realized, I’m like, “Hey, you’re not my mum, you’re a bloke! What’re you doing here?” Very strange.
Mr. Shovel: Well, of course the psychiatrist would have a field day with this, Steve.
Steve: But that’s what I dreamt. I mean dreams, you must have weird, I mean…dreams just can be endless of madness, the things you come up with in your dreams it’s crazy. I told you that one time that I was having a threesome with Jimmy Carter, right?
Mr. Shovel: Right.
Steve: I mean, where did that come from?
Mr. Shovel: Did you eat peanuts that night?
Steve: Jimmy Carter and his wife…on a shag carpet. A lime green shag carpet. I mean, where does it, where does it come from? I’ve no idea. And then I woke up and my mate Fritz went ‘round to my mum’s and took some flowers and a Christmas present.
(a recording of Mrs. Jones taken from Steve’s mobile phone plays in the background: “Hello…this is Mummy…”
Steve: See, that’s the real one. That’s not the transvestite drag-queen one.
Mr. Shovel: I’m going to let you interpret that yourself.
Steve: I’ve no idea.
(Sings)
Dream
A candy-colored clown they call The Sandman
Tiptoes through my room every night
Just to sprinkle stardust
To sleep, everything is all right
My mom’s a transvestite
And she does her hair
into the magic parlor I often stare
it’s not my mum
it’s some bloke dressed up as my mum
where did he come from
this bloke dressed up as my mum
(Mr. Shovel is playing the recording of Steve’s mother here and there in the background)
Mrs. Jones: Hello? This is mummy…
Oh mum what have you done
Oh mum what have you done
Oh ma what have, what have you done to your son
Son, son son!
Mrs. Jones: I want to see how my little baby’s getting on…
Steve: (stops singing) I was hitting the high notes then, Shovel. You was messing about, putting my mum in there. Don’t you listen to what I’m doing?
Mr. Shovel: It’s a…montage.
Steve: That was good though, wunnit? There was one other thing that was going on. (thinking out loud) Mum was a bloke…peanuts…no, cashew nuts…the deer…it was a good game of football – oh what a great game, Chelsea and Everton. Beat Everton 3-2 and the best news of all, Manchester United lost again to West Ham. Let’s play some music. I’m going to play a song that these blokes did in England. It a montage to The Box. It is now ten after twelve bells.
Don’t forget to get out and do your Christmas shopping, especially buy presents for me. I’m not buying one present, by the way. I just thought I’d throw that out there. It’s not that I’m a Scrooge, I just can’t be bothered. Take it away, Mr. Shovel…
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