Steve: Time. Who cares about time? It’s just a number. (starts to play some notes on guitar) I wonder how many hours have been, in the life of the world? Could you get me some reverb on my…? (continues playing) Time had to start somewhere, right?
Mr. Shovel: (pauses, then) Mmnnnn...no.
Steve: Time never ‘started’ anywhere?
Mr. Shovel: No, it could just be a big circle.
Steve: It didn’t all of a sudden go, “boom” and then there was planets…it did, wunnit? The Big Bang, that’s how all the planets started, wunnit?
Mr. Shovel: That doesn’t mean that was the beginning of time.
Steve: It’s a funny question, an interesting question I ask myself.
Mr. Shovel: See, time is an illusion, Steve.
Steve: It could be. (plays a bluesy bit) Yes there’s been a lot of hours, though, in ‘Time’ as-we-don’t-know-it.
Mr. Shovel: Because they didn’t even know how long an hour was back then.
Steve: No. I’m sure people were a lot happier when there was no clocks.
Mr. Shovel: They had metric hours.
Steve: I wonder what the caveman said to his mate, “I’ll see you over that hill,” …at, what? What did he say? “…when the sun is on top of me head, I’ll meet you over there.” “When the sun is straight up in the air.” That’s twelve bells, right? When it’s kind of up top…
Mr. Shovel: So they said, “I’ll see you over there at twelve bells.”
Steve: “I’ll see you over there at sun-on-me-head. One minute past sun-on-me-head.” Cos when it’s like, four o’clock, it’s obviously a lot lower. So they probably figured it out like that, I would imagine.
Mr. Shovel: Then there’s the Daylight Savings time, which probably threw ‘em all off, too.
Steve: Yeah, I don’t think they cared about you know, farmer’s time. Hour forward, hour back. I don’t think they cared about all that. All they cared about was getting a bit of meat inside ‘em…and whacking someone over the head. You know, that was the…I think that’s where all the aggro is actually started from. When someone discovered a stick, they picked it up and then could bang it on the head of someone else and take their meat. I think that’s when the poison started.
Mr. Shovel: (way in the background, amidst the sound of cd cases being moved about) You think?
Steve: Way back then. You know what I mean? That was the beginning of The Poison. Or do you believe that Man, it’s just part of Man to get one over on another man? Survival I guess, right. You know what I mean?
Mr. Shovel: Trying to put some good music on here for ya, Steve.
Steve: (sounding properly British) Yes…please. (He pauses, and starts again in the manner of a great orator):
When Man discovered…more echo, please. (starts over) When Man discovered a branch, a twig, a piece of wood, even a rock (the theme of 2001: A Space Odyssey starts up in the background now)
Mr. Shovel: Bone!
Steve: A bone from a dynosaurus rex…when he discovered he could whack it over the head of his fellow man (the music surges as it does in “2001”)…ooh gawd, that was a bit sharp wasn’t it? (continues) how he could whack it over the head of his fellow man, discovered he could take his meat and his woman. He thought, “’Allo. I’ll have some more of this.” I believe that’s when The Poison started, up to this very day. When one country tries to get over on another country, in perception and all kind of devious manners, it did actually start with the stick and the rock on the other bloke’s head. We’ve come a long way. Our intertwined deceptions have been a lot more masterful. But at the end of the day, it all amounts to one thing.
(he pauses as the 2001 Theme reaches it’s famous crescendo)
Do you know what that one thing is?
(pause) I haven’t got a clue. (fervently) But we must, I insist, I COMMAND, that we continue whacking each other over the head with rocks, twigs, sticks and bottles and bones. It’s in our nature, people! Get used to it. There is no good or evil, we’re all rotten bastards underneath! Except me, I am the Goodness of All Good.
What am I sayin’? Is this a Quinn Martin Production or James Mason? I’m not sure what role I’m in. I think I’m in Ben Hur. Move me over to the other soundstage, would you? Just direct me in the direction of the script and the director. I want to run through my lines with him one more time. Okay Mr. Director, what did I say, then? “Barons and sticks and twigs”, could you change that bit? I don’t like the way that runs off my tongue. What about if I say “Machine guns and mass destruction and jackabites”? That sounds a lot more along the lines of confusion to confuse people of what really’s going on in this goddamn forsaken world.
I believe there is no ‘hours’ anymore. There’s no such thing as “twelve bells”. There’s only “Twelve Bollocks” and I am the Master of Bollocks. “Never Mind The Bollaxius”, that’s what they’ll be saying in the days of the future, when we’re all floating around…in Earth. There is no Earth, there will be space stations and there will be an album and it will be called, “Never Mind The Bollaxius, The Intergalactics Are Here”. Help me, Shovel, I don’t know what I’m saying next. Let’s play a song. Let’s play a song, let’s play – UFO! Yes, I knew it was for a reason…UFO. I knew God was working through me. Thank you, God. This song’s called, “Cherry”. Take it away, please.
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
Steve: I’m going to go and see the hypnotist after my show, for eating. He helped me with the smoking, it’ll be five years on October 24th. I’ll be five years off cigarettes. But now I’ve become a fat bastard. So I’m going to go and see him for to stop me from eating. Oh, I do love eating. Just saying it makes me hungry…eating. Meat, sticks, rocks, food and then came fire, changing the whole concept up. (the“2001” theme is on again) Couple of twigs rubbed together, them sticks come in handy in other ways than bashing over the head. Flick, flick, flick…oh there’s fire. Now we can keep warm. Then what came next? A wheel. When that wheel (was) discovered, then we could go ‘round and ‘round and take things a lot further. And then there was coal. Coal was discovered and then came the evil of all evils – OIL. We must retread our path. We must go back in time. You understand? Yes, of course you do. We must think Green. We MUST, do you understand!? This has been a two-penneth minute, brought to you by Helio.
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
Steve: (his voice echoes as if in a cave) I hope you enjoyed today’s Box of Magnificence. I want you to go and see a man in a white cloak with leaves ‘round his head and if his name is Neo or Caesar or Incubus, I want you to go up to him and say, “I am the man who can, for two hours a day, do what he wants. The Sire of Wilshire, the Pontiff of Pop, (2001 Theme has worked its way back in again) The Licker of Lichtenstein, your Excellency of Excellence. Yes…the Shepard’s Bush Goal Machine. All Things Wonderful and Creative. The Sheriff of Rockingham, the Neo of Radio. The Nero, I mean, of Radio…no, not Robert DeNiro, Nero – the Roman Geezer. Do you understand?
It all started with rocks, twigs and T Rexes. Yes! Elephants with tusks a mile long. We love the ivory. Ivory Towers…Yes, Yess!
(The 2001 Theme explodes and ends. Steve and Mr. Shovel jump into a live version of “CC Rider” just like Elvis would do…)
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