Thursday, June 01, 2006

From 5/31 Landlord

Welcome back to Chriswasanon!

1. Tina has updated Alan White for you. It can be found below today's post.

2. Such a glorious day today was too. Cosmic - just cosmic! Endless blue skies. So the prospect of either Andalucia on the Costa del Sol,, or a beach party in Galloway makes it hard to choose just which destination to go for. If it's Galloway, you may not see me tomorrow off to lands where there are no computers. But if it's the Costa, well I'll be on the net for a few days yet. Enough.

3. How legible is this font by the way?

4. Did Steve sing that one to the tune of Shakin' Stevens - "This ole house." I wonder. I was busy eleswhere I'm afraid. I missed to my chagrin and woe woe thrice woe, the reminiscences on squatting Tina. Being something of an old squatter myself I was after wondering idly if any of it will appear here in a transcripturisical form?

5. The myspace Steve news. Nope nothing new there. But Tina's post today is something new.

"The Landlord's here to visit..."

See what you think!



Steve: It’s always something innit, when you’ve got a house. Always something. That’s the one good thing about renting. You just make a phone call. Hopefully, if you’ve got a good landlord, it gets taken care of. But when you own a house, it’s always something going wrong. Always something. What other…oh yeah, I had to get pool equipment cos the pump broke and I needed a new filter and uh, what was the other thing? There’s always something. At least once a month. You’re lucky if you get a couple of months without having to do anything and I’m very low maintenance, you know. It’s just me and I don’t use a lot of things like, I never do dishes. I never have a pile of dishes, you know what I mean cos it’s just me. I take a shower once a month so I don’t have to wash a lot.

Mr. Shovel: Change your sheets, how often?

Steve: Once every two weeks.

Mr. Shovel: Oh. That’s impressive.

Steve: Yeah. So it’s very low maintenance but still things happen. Oh, well. I have a man-boy though, who stays there, who…he’s very low maintenance. I get him out of the cupboard every now and again. He throws some Cracker Jacks on the ground to entertain me. (starts playing his guitar a bit) I keep forgetting to go and get a new tuner cos ole Mr. Strange took mine and I’m incapable of tuning a guitar meself. It’s going out. I’m going to have to go today. (sings)

Oh, this old house is made from all hard work
Bricks and mortar with a tar room with no shingles
It’s not one thing or another
If it’s trees getting caught in the pipes in the toilet
And Dynorod cleans the toilet (
They put snakes down it, all the way down the shaft
Dynorod and Roto Rooter (

Pool equipment it pumps the iron
In keeps the liquidity flowing in ze pool
I don’t have a heater cos it’s a rip off
It’s like six hundred bucks more on your electricity bill
It’s too much
If you just wait for the Summer
It heats itself all day long
Don’t buy a heater because no one swims in ze Winter
In ze Winter

(Mr. Shovel inserts audio of Ray Winstone’s character Gary “Gal” Dove from the film, “Sexy Beast”:

Dove: it’s like a sauna. A furnace. You could fry an egg on my stomach.

Steve: (continues to sing)

Don’t put any lotion on your body, you must fry and get skin cancer
Skin cancer is good for the doctors
You need to pay ze bills

(more Sexy Beast here)

I suggest you put frying oil on your body and burn burn baby burn
Who cares about 55 sunblock
Cos I don’t fry 55 I don’t fry 55

I also have an ant epidemic
I even found a little mouse that had eaten some poison
(He was all swollen, poor little sod)
I tried to remove him from the driveway
But he would just make these weird little noises
So I got ze broom and brushed him aside
So I didn’t flatten him with my tires
(I called him Mickey)

I also have spiders in the bathroom
They seem to like it there
It’s so much cooler there than the other rooms
But I put ‘em in the bathtub and run ze water
and watch them curl up like little soccer balls

(Mr. Shovel plays a station ID recorded by Ray Winstone)

Winstone: Oh, you’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox on 1031. You could fry an egg on his arse.

Steve: (still singing)

Yes, on my arse

I think I’m dying of asbestos
My lungs are filled with glue
But I kind of like that sound of asbestos
Where would we be without poisonous substances

I wouldn’t be immune of anything in this lovely place
Oh how much fun it is being a landlord
“Can you afford it? No? Then you will be removed!”

Raise the taxes,
Lower the drawbridge…

Floratina and Chriswasanon production "transcriptions for the people" 2006.

1 comment:

rotter said...

hilarious.....thanks guys