Steve: I was in the Sun Newspaper, someone told me. Actually my mom. I spoke to me mum this morning. Actually, she weren’t the one who told me, though. My mate told me that in the Sun newspaper…you know that Tony Blair was at the Chelsea party? Did I tell you that?
Mr. Shovel: No. That’s a kind of a big detail you missed.
Steve: Oh, yeah. He was there. George Bush’s poodle. George Bush’s chia pet. He was there. Snoop Dog was there and the tennis player, the bird with the nice, round ass…
Mr. Shovel: Did they sneak off to the bathroom together?
Steve: Ahhh zhhheah. They went into the bathroom for a bit a shinizzle. I think he put some shinizzle up Tony Blair’s nostril.
Mr. Shovel: Tony doin’ a little endo?
Steve: Ahh zhheah. Serena Williams, she was there. I was there. I got a mention in the Sun newspaper. Next to Tony Blair’s, the chia pet.
Mr. Shovel: Sippin’ on his gin and juice?
Steve: Ah, got my mind on my money and my money on my mind…
(they do some Snoop impressions)
Steve: He lives at Number Ten Shnizzle Street in London. We’re gonna continue with the covers. Did I tell you I’m having a vacation at the end of this week? I’m going to be gone. Did I tell you that, Shovel?
Mr. Shovel: No.
Steve: Yep, I’m going to go on a road trip.
Mr. Shovel: Really.
Steve: Yeah. I’m going to take pictures, as well. Maybe I’ll send the pictures in from…
Mr. Shovel: From your Helio?
Steve: Yeah, from my Helio, from different locations.
Mr. Shovel: You gonna drive that Prius?
Steve: I’m gonna drive the Prius and I’m gonna take my Virgin records with me and I’m gonna…
Mr. Shovel: Play your cd’s.
Steve: Play my cd’s and I’m gonna be on my Helio and I’m gonna…what else do I do? There’s something else…that’s it right, for now?
Mr. Shovel: Yeah.
Steve: Yeahhhh. That’s what I’m gonna be doin’. Maybe I’ll be stopping at McDonald’s, if they want to endorse me. (makes yumyum sounds)
Mr. Shovel: I’m sure they have Coffee Bean and Tea Leafs all across the country you can stop at…
Steve: I wish they had In-N-Outs, that stops at Vegas, baby.
Mr. Shovel: Well, we happen to have a bet that you’re going to stop at Vegas, too.
Steve: I’m not telling…I ain’t telling no one where I’m going. The Navy Seals might see me. I heard there’s going to be one of them reconnaissance planes following me.
Mr. Shovel: Yeah. Eye In The Sky.
Steve: Yeah, just to make sure nothing, no harm comes to me.
Mr. Shovel: The Jonesy Drone.
Steve: Yeah. Cos, you know, down South there, I don’t want to end up like the old “Deliverance”, tied to a tree, going (squeals like a pig) “Eeee! Eeeeee!”. That could happen. It happened to Burt Reynolds and he was a big bloke. Actually, it didn’t happen to Burt, it was the other one, wunnit? The fat one? Oh, I guess that’s me, yeah.
Mr. Shovel: Ned Beatty. Yeah.
Steve: Okay. Should play some music. Um, should I do a song? What should it be about?
Mr. Shovel: Your road trip.
Steve: Oh yeah. Road trip, okay. Uh, should I play it with the harp? Do you fancy a bit of harp?
Mr. Shovel: Sure. I fancy it.
Steve: Let me put me harp on.
Mr. Shovel: It’s a fancy harp.
Steve: I’ll show that G Love geezer how to play harp. He was pretty good. Did you like him yesterday?
Mr. Shovel: Mm hmm.
Steve: Uh oh, I have to take me headphones off first. Oh, my bleedin’ hair’s getting too long. It’s getting caught in the…in the thing. What do they call these things? Harmonica holders?
Mr. Shovel: Yeah.
Steve: I’m sure there’s a proper name for it. Echo, please.
(after a guitar and harmonica intro, he starts to sing)
I am taking a road trip in my Prius
From Toyota of Huntington Beach
And I am taking my Helio
Down to the rodeo in El Paso
I hope there’s a Virgin Megastore
On the way hey hey hey
I might get thirsty around near Atlanta
I hope they have banana
And Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf
I think they have ‘em everywhere
Even in Texass
What else can I whore myself out to
I’m sure there’s a lot of things
If we look into it
I like Beano and I like pints of lager
And I like fish and chips
And I’m fond of pie and mash
Come on, let me have ya!
Everybody, do you want a piece of
Jonesy On The Road
He’s going across America
Selling everything he’s got
He’s even got his old t-shirts
For five hundred dollars
He don’t care
He don’t hang on to a thing
He don’t get attached to anything
Oh, it’s been fun
I can’t complain
I don’t care what I’ve done in the past
Now I’m looking to the future
It’s good but I don’t think it will last
Oh lordy oh lordy
I think I’m gonna become a pastor
In the pastures
I’m gonna sell religion
You can be one of my disciples
From the Jonesy Chapel Of Love
Praise him, oh you must kneel before him
And take that thing they put in people’s mouths
It looks like a biscuit, what do they call that thing?
You must confess to The Pontiff
I want to hear all the gory details
Then I’ll go back into my chambers
and have a wank
Oh praise me
Oh lordy there’s no such thing
As heaven and hell
Don’t buy that stuff
It’s just to control the masses
Just be yourself and you will be all right
Just do the right thing
You know instinctively
What the right thing is to do
If you’re going to throw your money
Down the drain
Throw it this way to Jonesy
C’mon baby, you know what I’m talking about
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
Interview with Joe Cole
Steve: On the phone right now, live from UCLA, we have Joe Cole. Joe?
Joe: Hello, Steve. How you doing?
Steve: How are you, mate?
Joe: I’m very good.
Steve: Is Mourinho flogging the bollocks off you?
Joe: He is, he’s got…we’re doing double sessions every day in the L.A. heat and it’s taking it’s toll, but you need to do it this time of year to get your fitness in.
Steve: He’s trying to get you ready for the Premiership?
Joe: He is, yeah and it’s a great place to come and do it because you got, you know…we can move around the streets, we’re not too well known, you know and it’s very relaxing and we had a few trips down to the beach as well in-between training so its, we’re really enjoying it.
Steve: Nice one. I heard that they laid down whole new grass for you lot at UCLA.
Joe: Yeah, they did but it’s taken a battering cos we’re training twice and so it’s pretty much cut up now, like some good old-fashioned England, English pitches.
Steve: All you need now is a bit of rain.
Steve: Sling some mud at each other.
Steve: I dunno where I heard it, but I think it was on the Chelsea website that, when you guys come over…did you suffer from jet lag?
Joe: Yeah. Well, I didn’t because I’d come out for holiday in Miami the week before and I met up with the squad straight after. But yeah, the boys have been (?) jet lag. I think some of them still are. I mean it’s, cos you’re going into the training so there’s no time to adjust your body and that. So…when we fly back we’ve actually got to fly straight to Holland more or less, to play a friendly so it’s a very busy time of year for us.
Steve: Right. I heard something about some of the players were wearing special socks or something.
Joe: Yeah, blister socks what the marathon runners wear. There’s all sorts of precautions taken. I mean, people probably think a blister is nothing at all, but it can be…when you’ve got to train and twist and turn and you get a nasty blister it can be quite painful so yeah, we do get pampered a bit with all sorts of special socks and things like that.
Steve: Yeah. No, I thought the socks were for like, for jet lag or something.
Joe: Ohh…the jet lag ones…well, they’re flight socks. They look like big tights. We got them as well like I said, they make sure they look after us properly.
Steve: I want to get a pair of them tights.
Joe: I think you’ll look well in them, mate.
Steve: Yeah with my skinny legs and my beer gut, yeah. You looking forward to the Premiership?
Joe: Yeah, we can’t wait to get it started now. I mean, we’ve had five or six, seven days training and you just want to, you know, you just want to play the games and the big games and the Premiership is where it’s at. I think we’ve got the strongest league in the world at the moment and it’s great for English fans. It’s a great league to watch with some great teams.
Steve: Who’s…oh, I think that’s your cell phone going off…who’s the first game, is it Man City?
Joe: Yeah, Man City at home. We’ve got the charity Shield game in Cardiff against Liverpool the week before which is a big game you want to win because it’s got a trophy…Man City at home is when it kicks off, yeah.
Steve: Yeah and you’re playing Celtic as well right, in a friendly?
Joe: Yeah, we’ve got Celtic in a week’s time, ten days’ time at The Bridge. It’s always going to be a little bit of a – it’s a friendly – but it’ll always be a little bit…a Battle of Britain game and for sure it’ll be you know, high-tempo and lots of tackles flying in, even if it is a friendly.
Steve: Yeah yeah. What do you think of the new kit? Is it comfortable?
Joe: Yeah the new kit’s lovely. Looking forward to…we’ve got three new strips (?) you know, because they changed the sponsor…you know, it looks the part, though. You know, we’re really looking forward to wearing it.
Steve: Yeah yeah. I can’t wait to get a shirt meself. Do you like pie and mash?
Joe: Yeah, I love pie and mash. I was actually talking to a friend of mine about, there’s no pie and mash shops in West London no more. I can’t seem to find any. I have to go all the way back over to East to get some.
Steve: Well there’s one on Goldhawk Road actually, Cookes.
Steve: By Goldhawk Road Station, yeah.
Joe: All right. I’ll have to go look for that then. I haven’t found it yet.
Steve: I’ve been going there since I was about eight.
Steve: It’s still there, yeah. They’re a dying breed, but there’s still that one.
Joe: I’ll have a look at that one when I get back. That’ll be blinding.
Steve: You ever see that movie, “Quadrophenia”?
Joe: No, I haven’t seen it.
Steve: It’s about The Who and the Mods and all that. But some of it’s shot in there.
Joe: In the pie and mash shop?
Steve: Yeah. You know Ray Winstone, right?
Steve: He plays like, one of the guys, a rocker in it and he’s, there’s a scene in the pie and mash shop, actually. So you can have a butcher’s before you go in there.
Joe: (laughs) I’ll have a look.
Steve: All right mate, I know you’re knackered so I’ll let you go. One more question, who’s got the biggest savaloy in the shower?
Joe: (laughing) I wouldn’t like to say…
Joe: (laughs more)
Steve: I’ll bet it’s Drogba, innit? (they both laugh) All right mate, nice one.
Joe: All right then, Steve.
Steve: Good luck, mate.
Joe: Take care, mate.
Steve: See you later.