October 12, 2006 An Extra Hour

Steve: You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox. Actually, this ain’t gonna work. Got the wrong harmonica. Um, Thursday, three minutes after twelve bells, ‘bout seventy, I mean sixty…it’s getting warmer. It’s getting chilly at nights, though. Nice in the daytime.

When do the clocks go forward? That’s the worst day of the year. It’s like, late October, I think it is? ‘round near Halloween, innit? That’s when they put the clocks backwards or wherever they go? (plays a pretty bit on the guitar) That’s a nice little riff. It’s all mine. It’s all mine, that is. Taken from The Cars, a little bit. That’s just a…I wish I knew what that chord was. That’s an A Major…I think this is an E 7th…

(sings)

Moonlight becomes you
moonlight becomes you
in ze eveningtime when
we put the clocks forwards
and we take two steps backwards
and things are darker earlier around five thirty
it looks so depressing to me

oh darkness
that’s when I wish I was in Lichtenstein
and it’s daylight all day long
oh Lichtenstein
it’s one or the other…

Steve: No, it’s dark all Winter there, right, when it’s Winter? One of them gaffs. Who knows. Um, what’s happening? Def Leppard tomorrow.

Mr. Shovel: Yeah.

It’s October 29th, last Saturday of the month. (when the clocks are changed)

Steve: Is that is? Alright. October 29th, set your watches for that day. It’s when all the burglars come out and people are mugging ya. Got an extra hour of mugging.

Mr. Shovel: That’s going to be a big party night, so you get an extra hour to party.

Steve: (sings)
An extra hour to…

Steve: I don’t hear echo.

(singing again with echo)
…party on October 29th
you can come out with your truncheons
and take money from weaker people than you

You say Oi, stick ‘em up
I’ve got a gun in my pocket
I need some crack
And you’re my only option

Mr. Shovel: You can even wear a mask!

Steve: (sings)
And you can even wear a mask
While you’re taking my money

Extra hour to rob people
Oh oh oh oh

Mr. Shovel: But you’ve got to look out for the fake slutty cops.

Steve: (sings)
But you gotta look out
for the fake slutty cops
what are you talking about Mr. Shovel
What does that mean

Mr. Shovel: It’s Halloween.

Steve: (lightbulb goes on) Oh!

(sings)
It’s Halloween
Everybody dresses up in funny outfits

Steve: (continues playing) Do you remember the one, the cop last year? Guy dressed up as a cop or something, and the (real) cop shot him in the house?

(sings)
Don’t let that happen again
He’ll never wear a police uniform again

Steve: I think he’s dead, isn’t he?

(sings)
I think I’ll dress up as a burglar
I’ll wear a striped sweater
With a bag on my back
that says “swag”

and a beret just like in the old
the old commercials, comics and films
oh oh oh oh…

Chad Fontaine(?): Gonna play some dancin’ music…ambiance. Get your groove on, sucker. Now when I say suck, you suck, sucker. Yeaaaaahhh…

October 11, 2006 - Nerds

Welcome backski to Chriswasanon, the part of the Internet were there is slavery all of the day and all of the night to bring you hot from the transcriptorium, the absolutely best bits of Jonesy’s Jukebox on Indie 103.1.

So England got gubbed 2-0, so did Scotland. Nuff said.

Correctimundo, Google acquired youtube, perhaps they will sling denierbud off now and his lying revionist movies of the Aktion Reinhard(t) camps. Wouldn’t count on it. What price free speech eh, chums? Oh well that’s enough fibbing delusional nazis for the moment. Yep and myspace was undersold too. This is the current news on that breaking story…

“ judge has dismissed MySpace founder Brad Greenspan's claims that the sale price of the social networking site to News Corporation was too low. Greenspan said he will appeal.

Greenspan founded MySpace and is a former chief executive of its parent company Intermix. He filed a suit in February claiming that News Corp's $580m purchase of Intermix did not value the business highly enough, claiming that the company's officers acted out of a desire for personal gain above the interests of the shareholders.

Superior Court judge Carolyn Kuhl dismissed Greenspan's claims, saying that the acquisition was legal and the decision taken by Intermix board members was legitimately taken, according to Fox Interactive, the division of News Corp which looks after MySpace.

"News Corporation and Fox Interactive Media feel vindicated by Judge Kuhl's ruling," said Mike Angus, Fox Interactive Media's general counsel in a statement.

Last week Greenspan published a demand that an investigation be conducted into the sale by the US financial regulator the Securities and Exchange Commission, the United States Department of Justice, and the United States Senate Committee on Finance.

"News Corp's valuation has increased by $12bn since the transaction occurred just one year ago, and there are several independent analysts today that agree that MySpace is worth tens of billions of dollars,” Greenspan said in that statement.”

Your source for that gobbet was

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2006/10/12/greenspan_claims_thrown_out/

If we are going to talk about Nerds, no self-respecting nerd worth his MS-DOS 4 command line is without the register. There is a US. version too. I reads el reg often. But I ain’t about to phish Steve for his credit card number, or anybody elses for that matter. The days of mailbombing and my puppet mastery times in front of other peoples’ computers are over.

“Oh dear, I seem to have deleted all your files.”

I’m joking, chriswasanon is and was not ever, a hacker cracker or a computer knacker.

Mr. Bill of Uber Nerdulike software megaliths Micro Mr Softy stale armpit news.

Did you know that 90% of you who use a pooter have a version of his softs on yore machines?, Of course you did do and the rest of you are Macs, or Linux, or Sun or Banzai Nippon corporation. “Gatesy” as we at CwA never call him, was a classic nerd. It is alleged that he was surrounded by pizza boxes and empty coffee cups and existed in a fug of his own armpit juice. From there to Windows Vista, eh? A bit like Moonwatcher in 2001, one minute smashing the skull of his fellow humanoid, the next waltzing around in outer space. By the way that stuff about Mr. Bill is gossip and in no way verifiable.

Bit quieter here today. Domestic Bliss news. My other and better and vastly superior half is not so well, so that means all animal husbandry and plant feeding duties are in my incapable hands.

That’s enough chriswasanon. Lets see what Mz T. has got for you.

TINA IS AT THE CONTROLS!

Steve: You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox. I have breaking news: (we hear an itty bitty little disturbance emerge from his lower gastrointestinal tract which Mr. Shovel thoughtfully augments with reverb effects) Oh, just got the echo barely on that one.

It’s two minutes after twelve bells on a Wednesday and there’s nothing like starting the show with a bit of breaking news. Oh, man. England I think, has gotten beaten, two-nil…World Cup qualifying game. Is it World Cup, or is it European? Losing two-nil. I think it must be all over, it started at ten…yeah so it’s all over. Jesus. Two-nil. Who did we play, I can’t even remember. I was in such a rush this morning. Terrible. Anyway, um, yeah. What is it? It’s about…sixty-eight degrees today. Hold on. Do we have more breaking news? I think so…(we hear another anemic little popping sound)

Just not so “breaking” as the news I like to have. I like it to be more breaking than that.

Mr. Shovel: That was just a little background information.

Steve: Yeah, that was just a little teaser to what’s in store to come on the rest of the show. (His chair can be heard squeaking in the background) You know, we really need to get this oiled.

Mr. Shovel: We have it like that for Halloween.

Steve: (keeps producing a slow, agonizing squeal from the chair) Bringggg out your dead...ghouls…(to Mr. Shovel) put some echo on that…

Mr. Shovel: (puts some echo on that)

Steve: (((bring out your dead! Undead undead. He’s dead, he’s dead. Eeoowww. Halloween…fiendish…eooowww, no garlic…))) All right. That’s enough of that one. What’re we doing, Shovel?

Mr. Shovel: (laughs)

Steve: What am I doing.

What about them guys, the YouTube guys. Did you hear what happened to them?

Mr. Shovel: No.

Steve: They just made a load of money.

Mr. Shovel: Yeah.

Steve: Did you know that?

Mr. Shovel: Um hmm.

Steve: How old are they? Twenty-eight? Thirty, round there? A little Asian bloke and another mate, two nerds – again.

Mr. Shovel: Um hmm.

Steve: The nerds are going to inherit the earth, I think. The geeks and nerds. Forget the cockroaches.

Mr. Shovel: They earned it. Their kids are going to inherit it.

Steve: Forget the cockroaches. Nerds are where it’s at. But it’s all on paper, apparently. One billion…

Mr. Shovel: It’s in stock. In Google stock.

Steve: One point six billion dollars. Two little nerds. The usual scenario. In their garage, using people’s credit cards to get it going. And what’s amazing is that it’s again, nothing they’ve come up with, they’re just providing something.

Mr. Shovel: A server.

Steve: Yeah. Incredible. I’m happy for ‘em. I’m happy for all them people who do something like that. I just wish I had the brains and the technical know-how to do things like that. I’ll never do that because I’m not a computer person. But I’m happy for people who do it. Where do they live? I want to be their friends. I want to surround myself with nerds.

Mr. Shovel: You have to get some before they’re rich, though. Otherwise…

Steve: They’ll know.

Mr. Shovel: …it’s hard to get in…

Steve: They’ll know I’m after their money…
I actually do like nerds. I find them more interesting than people who try to be cool. They always seem straightforward, nerds. You know what I mean? They’re not, they don’t play games.

Mr. Shovel: And you have no idea what’s happening in their basement.

Steve: That’s the point. Maybe I should start a patrol, a nerd patrol…basement and garages and just take credit cards to ‘em saying, “Do you need my credit card? What’re you doing, are you doing something? Here’s me credit card.”

Mr. Shovel: Oh, there’s guys like that, too. They’ll take your credit card.

Steve: Maybe I’ll do that. You have to have a Nerd Certificate, otherwise I’m not giving it to you. (inhales deeply) Ohhhh. One point six billion dollars, YouTube. MySpace. I think I heard MySpace have got the ‘ump and they’re suing Murdoch cos they sold MySpace too cheaply, like six hundred million dollars.

Mr. Shovel: They got the ‘ump.

Steve: They’ve go the ‘ump. Cos now, because of these other two little nerds got one point six, the Myspace nerds think that they sold themselves too cheaply and I think they’re suing. So what does that mean if it’s in stock, that means they can sell that stock though, right?

Mr. Shovel: Yeah, I’m not sure when, though.

Steve: Yeah?

Mr. Shovel: Not sure how long?

Steve: So there’s still a chance to be their pals then, before they actually make money.

Mr. Shovel: Yeah, but you know…it’s like making friends with a guy who just won the lottery before he cashes in his ticket.

Steve: Right, right, right.

Mr. Shovel: I think he’s probably busy. Too busy for you.

Steve: Um, where are they from, these cats?

Mr. Shovel: I don’t know.

Steve: Are they from…ah…Nerdomi? Is that near Ojai?

Mr. Shovel: (laughs)

Steve: (plays guitar and sings)

You nerds you will inherit the earth
with your knowledge with computers
and a lot of other things
that have a lot of buttons

Nerds and geeks you will inherit the earth
with your know-how
With your gigabytes and memory banks
you are the New Age for making lolly
Lots of lovely lolly

Oh nerds you are full of information yeah
where do you come from
Why do you all wear glasses
Is it because you’re looking at computer screens
all day long

Oh oh geeks versus the nerds
Who would win if they fought each other
or does it mean the same thing
Nerds geeks and nerds and
geeks and nerds

Why do you have your trousers so high
almost touching your nipples
and your buttons done up to the top
and pencils everywhere
Everywhere there’s a pencil and pens

Geeks and nerds
Pens and pencils
and trousers pulled up to your chests
and shoes oh

Or am I just talking about
the stereotypical nerds like the ones
in the silly movies
I wish I had your knowledge of computers

Yes yes yes yes yes.

October 9, 2006 - Fighters, Kidney Stones, Aliens, Australopithecusses....

Steve: You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox on Indie 1031. Three minutes after twelve bells on a cool day. It definitely feels like the heat has left the atmosphere in Southern California. Although, on Saturday I went to San Francisco. They had an air show (Fleet Week) there. They had all the military there and all the Blue Angels were there and millions of people, and it was warm up there.

I didn’t see the Blue Angels cos I don’t know when, what time…I went and had a nap around 3:00 but I could hear some (makes sound of jet) from the hotel room every now and again so maybe that was them.

But I did see this one plane come off a aircraft carrier (USS Nimitz) it was like something from outer space, it was so awesome. It was one of them kind of, like stealthy-looking planes (USAF F-22a Raptor?*) but it was like a newer one, it was like, made up of panels. It was out of this world and it was so loud and scary, but awesome at the same time, you know?

Just the technology. I’ve no idea cos I hadn’t, I’ve never been around…you only see it on the news, you know? Planes, bombing places. But to actually be right near one. And then he went right up in the air til he just disappeared, you know. He was like taking it for a spin. It was unbelievable. I can only imagine how scary it must be if you’re somewhere where you’re being bombed, you know what I mean? These planes just coming in and they’re so powerful and scary. And just to release bombs on the area, it must be just terrifying.

Oh, the power. Stand Ready. Stand Ready. Get ready to fight and rock and roll.














(* The USAF F-22a Raptor is stealthiest-looking. More so than the Navy's F16 Hornets that did take off from the carrier; on the other hand Raptors are apparently not built for carrier landings and they also belong to a different branch of the service and would not normally be on a Navy carrier. But Raptor did make an appearance at Fleet Week, it did a verrry vertical climb in the demonstration. Hmm. A mystery.)
~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Steve: I was watching a science channel last night and they had a lot of things (about) where Man came from. And I’m thinking, over ten million years we’ve been around, started evolving…if we lasted another ten million years, are we gonna be different people then, too? You know what I mean? So we’re being that chain of change as men?

Mr. Shovel: Yeah, I’d say so.

Steve: So like, you had your Neanderthals, you had your other mob…

Mr. Shovel: Australopithecus.

Steve: …all that lot. And just think in another ten million years or whatever, there’ll probably be…a load more changes in the human. You know, we’ll have…what’re we called now?

Mr. Shovel: Homo Sapiens.

Steve: Is that what we’re called?

Mr. Shovel: Um hmm.

Steve: So, yeah. In about ten million years it’ll probably be another five changes, probably. Bizarre, innit? To think that we’re always evolving. Cos we ain’t staying where we are now, just cos we’re here.

Mr. Shovel: Right.

Steve: You know what I mean, it’s always evolving. Very interesting.

Mr. Shovel: We might end up looking like aliens.

Steve: Yeah. Well, that’s what…who knows? What you mean, like, the big eyes and the no-mouth and the ones that dissect people, you mean like them types?

Mr. Shovel: Yeah. Like, maybe those are us…

Steve: Ahead of us…

Mr. Shovel: …highly evolved and figured out how to travel back in time.

Steve: Well that’s, well that’s what…could be, because you know, when you look at stars…we’re looking at ‘em a million years ahead, right. So that’s easily possible that could happen. (sighs) I know it’s a bit too much for the mind to boggle such magnificence, but it is possible. Only I can comprehend them kind of things, the magnificence of the universe.

There’s only a few who actually can keep up with me. Can you keep up with me Shovel, on that level?

Mr. Shovel: Whaddya mean?

Steve: See, see? Lost you already…gonna visit The Duke and hopefully when we come back I will be evolved five minutes ahead of where I was before I started talking about...mancheefrills.

Mr. Shovel: Your thumbs are getting smaller as we speak.

Steve: My eyes are getting bigger and my mouth is starting to disappear.
And I’m thinking what you’re thinking without you even knowing what I’m thinking…

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Hey Mr. Kidney Stone by Steve Jones

I’m free of the kidney stones
I’m feeling mighty fine
And I know I’m on the mend
There ain’t no where I’d rather be

Thank you, old kidney stones
You have left my system
And I do appreciate ya
Getting out of my nuts

I didn’t need an operation
With my insurance card
Because it woulda took me to the cleaners
And I ain’t got no cleaners to go

I’m ready to go anywhere
Oh lord you saved me from
that magic carpet ride with my nuts
and I don’t have to
the kidney stones have left me

so thank you old kidney stones
you made your own way out
just by drinking a lot of water
and you have left
my nutsack

Some pillaged Bunker pics

What? You came here hoping to relive the kidney stone story! Please don't make me. Hey, look at these pics from the Indie website.

Steve and Mr. Shovel in Jonesy's Bunker during Gossip's visit.

Here they are at Rehearsals.com. This was a pretty cool place. They were sitting on couches all comfy for the interview. The overall ambiance was quite nice, I thought.

You can see part of the interview and some of Band of Horses' live performance from that day at the Rehearsals.com website, good quality it has.

Here is Steve playing with A Band of Horses. Pretty geetar.

October 4, 2006 - Weight

After that last heavy post of mine, it was good to have a break. But Tina is right back atcha with some more of the thoughts of Chairman Steve. I don't, know thinking about putting on weight. I think I had to reach at least forty 40 before I noticed that the Bird's trifles; Pot Noodles, toast toppers, Angel Delight, dream topping and all those other good and slightly odd British convenience foods were having an effect/affect. Twitch!

So I don't know what that is in pounds but I'm 11 and a half stone. On Tina's previous posting, now I understand why Steve don't want to go to Chelsea, I mean London. Can't imagine anything more depressing than trying to score a ten bag or whatever amount the Mother Superior deals in. Hanging out like a cunt, cluckin' your nuts off and wandering in the drizzle around, "the streets of London." Ah forget Ralph Mctell warbling, you want the Anti-Nowhere League's Animal singing that classic. So stick where you are Steve old son and if you would like an open relationship with moi...I shall be scanning the Times personal column.




"I'll show you something that'll make you really sick...."

More of the League here http://www.antinowhereleague.com/

Tomorrow we all go up to Glasgow to the 7555555555th Jordan Hill Glasgow Scout Jumble Sale. It will be a mad scramble for books. What else is there for the book handler but books? Afterwards, the word curry will be involved, definitely.


Tina IS at the controls!


Steve: You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox on Indie 1031. It’s three minutes after twelve bells, seventy-two degrees when I pulled in to the garage and, nice out. Nice and sunny. And here we go. Another two hours of radio monstrosity. I had a good game of football last night, played the whole game…Dad’s Army. And we won five, five-nil, actually. I scored the first goal. Missed a couple of absolute sitters. It was on a really knobbly grass so the ball would bounce a lot so when it’s rolling along and you kick it, sometimes you mis-kick it cos it’s not even. Not making excuses…well I am a little bit, but it was fun. It’s nice to play a whole game. Especially if you’re trying to lose weight. I actually weighed myself this morning. I’m 240, which is good. I’m actually slowly losing. Um, what else is happening…gonna play some more reggae today - with other stuff. I really don’t know what else to talk about. Do you have anything to talk about, Shovel?

Mr. Shovel: Well, you said “240”, right?

Steve: Yeah.

Mr. Shovel: That’s pretty…weren’t you at 260 when you started?

Steve: No, I was 260 this time last year.

Mr. Shovel: You’re doing pretty good.

Steve: Yeah. My fighting weight is 200. That’s my goal. If I can get near there, 210, 200, 205, I’ll be looking and feeling good. But it’s working. The hypnotist, I think, is working. Yes, life is grand. Couldn’t be finer, staying away from diner. You understand. Yes, I think you do. (starts to play a song on guitar)
(sings)

Weight just a moment
I jumped on the scales this morning
And the weight is leaving my membranes
And my ligaments

Weight just a moment the cartilage is better
without the fatty tissue around it
Its better for my knees and my back
and my head and my legs
and my hands and my feet and my
you-know-what oh oh oh oh

I said weight, where you goin?
You fat cells I want you to leave now
I don’t want to be a fatty no more
So tired of wearing clothes that don’t fit me
Oh oh oh oh

I want to look like some bloke in the Gap ads
Where there’s room in his waist
and he looks like he’s got a six-pack
and he’s wearing absolutely nothing
I don’t know what he’s advertising
but it’s got The Gap written all over it oh oh

But right now I have a no-pack
But it’s going to be a 10-pack
Like a packet of cigarettes
That also left me
Almost five years ago oh oh oh

Let me hear ya now (harmonica solo)

When I was twenty I couldn’t put weight on
I would eat everything but never get bigger
Then I turned twenty-five
And my metabolism slowed right down
Like a train pulling in the station
Like a big fat cow I like to graze
In the days when the sun is shining oh oh oh oh

I wish I had the metabolism of Bruce Lee
It looks like he could eat anything
And he would burn it off
Cos he had that fast fahst fast metabolism

He’s a lucky so-and-so
But wait, I guess he’s not cos he’s dead
He had a heart attack
cos he had no fat around his heart
it was vulnerable oh oh oh

Yes fat people all over the world
I feel you yes I do
It’s a hard one to quit
Its hard because you have to eat
Every day to live or you will go oh oh oh oh

Oh dear fatties all over the world
I hear you crying out for help
But you don’t get it cos no one cares
About the fat ones all over the world
We are just worried aboutParis Hilton and her no-brain

October 3, 2006 - Norwegian Wood

Steve: You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox on Indie 1031. It’s two minutes after twelve bells on a nice, nice day. Digging the weather right now. Yesterday was unbelievable. Yesterday evening, I went for a walk, a hike, walk whatever you call it. I guess it’s a hike, but it was on a street.

Mr. Shovel: That’s a walk.

Steve: So, it’s a walk. But it was up a hill, big hill. And I got to the top and…got to Muholland and it was about 6:30 and it was absolutely gorgeous, one of the best sunsets I’ve ever seen and I stopped at this lookout point. Just sat there and it was amazing. The red, and the clouds and the blue, it was just unreal. It was like, it didn’t look real, it was so gorgeous. And I’m sitting there and one car pulls up and this bird gets out and sits down the other end. Then this other car pulls up and this other bird got out with a kind of boyfriend and they’re taking pictures. Really hot bird, this was. Like a kind of dark hair, gorgeous little thing. Young. They were like, twenty.

The boyfriend’s got his arm around her and she’s taking pictures of the sunset. Then this other car pulls up with these two…couple. Really ‘nother hot bird with this bloke. They looked like they were from Norway. They had then silly little shorts on and stuff, that they wear. And the bloke from Norway is like, while his bird’s taking pictures of the thing, he’s looking at the other bird. And the other bird’s bloke is like, looking somewhere else. And all he could think about was getting in this other bird’s pants. And as the first couple went to drive off, this guy’s still looking and the other bird looks back and smiles at him. And the man, the boy from the one couple and the girl from the Swedish…whatever they were, from Holland…are totally oblivious to what’s going on and they were both…I don’t know if the bird was more into it than the bloke, but he was like, just…he’s with this bird but all he could do was want to get in this bird’s pants.

And it made me sick seeing all this. I’m sitting there and this beautiful sunset and minding me own business and this thing comes right in front of ya. You know what I mean? Where it’s deceit and dishonesty. Right there out of the blue. I’m up there, middle of nowhere, minding me own business, not at a club, just you know, where that stuff goes on all the time, but just there, minding me own business. And then they drove off, the two from Holland and then it’s just me. I’m just sitting there and I’m thinking about this and just like, sitting there thinking how messed up…I dunno if it’s “messed up”, but what funny people we are. What a funny species we are, you know? The things we do. And I got all kind of sad, as well. You know what I mean? It was weird.

I had a horrible dream as well, last night. But I was glad when I woke up. I had one of then dreams where you’re like, getting loaded in the dream. Like, I was walking around London, looking for heroin, you know. And I had relapsed and I had got a habit again and I didn’t really know anyone and I’m just walking around London with this horrible feeling, you know. Trying to find some dope. It seemed to go on and on forever, this dream and then I woke and I’m like, “Oh yesss. It was a dream, it didn’t really happen and I felt good about that. Cos it went on and on forever. I started thinking it was, it was really happening, you know? Horrible. But it is a relief when you wake up in your bed and everything’s groovy around you and you’re not…you hadn’t gotten loaded and you still got, I’m still in me house and it was sunny out. That was good. But um…(pause) funny old world, innit? What about you, Shovel? How you doing?

Mr. Shovel: I’m, I’m fine…there’s a lot going on behind those glasses of yours.

Steve: Yeah. Well, there always is. (strums guitar) Is this on? Sounds quiet. No more level? Uh, yeah. So, today, I dunno…the one bird, though was unbelievable. A little dark, Spanish-y looking, good looking bird. I could see why this Norwegian skinny bloke was looking at her. It was so obvious. It was so weird that he was just, blatantly, he’s standing behind his bird while his bird is taking the pictures, and he’s like, just checking this bird out…

Mr. Shovel: It’s like a scene in a movie.

Steve: It was.

Mr. Shovel: Started like a porno, but turned into like a, some kind of…

Steve: Horrible, it was. Made me feel sick, I dunno why.

Mr. Shovel: But I bet it inspired you to write a song!

Steve: Just the way people just, I dunno. That’s probably why I don’t have a girlfriend cos I don’t want to be cheating. The you have to kind of give a load of fanny, where you’ve been. And you know you’ve been…you’re going to hurt someone’s feelings. That’s why I probably don’t bother doing that. I guess it’s cool if you have one of them relationships where it’s open. You know what I mean? Do they work, though?

Mr. Shovel: I’m guessing not for too many people, not for very long.

Steve: Should I sing a song? What should I sing a song about?

Mr. Shovel: Well, if that were a movie, what song would be playing?

Steve: (sings)

You’re the man, I’m the lady

Steve: It sounds horrible in here. We got no echo anymore? (((hello? Yeah.))) What’s wrong with ya?

(sings)

You’re the…

Steve: (stops again) It’s a horrible echo. Did we get a new echo or something? What happened to that first one we had that was really like, dreamy?

Mr. Shovel: That’s it.

Steve: This is it?

(starts again)

Why, do we cheat on each other
Is there some kind of kick that we get
From deceiving your partner oh oh
Is it such a turn-on to have it off
With some other bird

When she’s not looking oh oh
Why can’t we be open with each other
All the time
We must hide our secrets
from the eye

for just five seconds of ormagasmic pleasure
it’s more than you can handle
would it be the same if your old lady was looking
at you having it off with some other bird
you big pussy

Oh you Norwegian piece of dog doo
You had a hot bird there but
That wasn’t enough
You had to look at some other blokes bird
Right in front of his face

It couldn’t be more beautiful
Looking out on Mulholland
Where the sunset was
Red blue and orange colors
With puffy clouds oh oh oh

You had your Norwegian wood now
Getting off
Norwegian woodie
for some other birdie

Truth.

Hello chums and chumesses. I never did find out what happened to Jack's Shack or why Shloemoe the rizen has abandoned this place. I see that Steve after steaming his spotted dick in a Heinz tin has opted for a more "Catholic" approach to his avatar, it is not so much Sacred Heart, as Sacred fart. The 8th Wigtown literary festival is on too and last night we managed to cram 20 people into our kitchen as part of the festivities. There seem to be about 20 people in the shop at the moment as it gos. As soon as it is all over...

Today however I am afraid that I am going to have to bring your attention to other more unpleasant matters. Now you may or may not be aware of this but I have always had a contempt for those that deny the Holocaust, the revionist non school of thinking which seeks by non logic and dodgy scholarship to attempt to deny any and every part of the Holocaust. These people are liars.

Revionists will say otherwise, revisionists will attempt to prove somehow that there were no homicidal gas chambers at Birkenau, that it was impossible to murder up to 800, 000 people at Treblinka, that the disapperance of up to 6 million Jews in the Second World War is somehow related to a typhus epidemic and on and on and on. But underneath all this total and absolute waste of time is this:

"The real purpose of holocaust revisionism is to make
National Socialism an acceptable political alternative again."

Source Nizkor.org

Hitler was a good guy in other words.

Let's go back now to September 28th 1941. We are in Kiev, The German have moved into the buildings, set up their telephones and the like in the spaces recently vacated by the Soviets in their retreat. Retreating Soviet Special forces (NKVD) mine and blow up the Kreschatik, down town Kiev. The German conquerers are angry and looking to blame someone. We are now in another part of Kiev, near the series of defiles known as Babi Yar.

"...A notice printed on cheap grey wrapping-paper, with no heading and no signature, had been stuck on the fence."

"All Yids living in the city of Kiev and it's vicinity are to report by 8'0clock on the morning of Monday September 29th, 1941 at the corner of Melnikovsky and Dokhturov Streets, (near the cemetery). They are to take with them documents, money, valuables, as well as warm clothes, underwear etc.
Any Yid not carrying out this instruction and who is found elsewhere will be shot.
Any civilian entering flats evacuated by Yids and stealing property will be shot."

"I read it over twice and for some reason it made me shudder. It was written so very harshly, with a sort of cold hatred. What's more it was a cold day with a lot of wind and the street was deserted..."

Anatoli Kuznetsov "Babi Yar, a document in the form of a novel." Jonathon Cape 1970 or any Penguin edition.

Kuznetsov arose early the next day to see the Jews of Kiev depart and was almost trapped himself at the entrance to the cemetery. Because the assembly point was close to the railway station, there had been a general impression that the posted order related to evacuation...

When I got home, I found my grandfather standing in the middle of the courtyard, straining to hear some shooting that was going on somewhere. He raised his finger.

"Do you know what?" he said with horror in his voice. "They're not deporting 'em. They're shooting 'em."

Today IS the 65th Anniversary of the massacre of Babi Yar in the Ukrainian city of Kiev. Today German forces, police units and Sonderkommando 4a of Einsatzgruppe C. under the command of SS. Standartenfuhrer Paul Blobel with the help of local anti-semites, shot during September 29th and September 30th over the course of two days, approximately 33,771 Jews. A figure arrived at by their own tally.

"But for your sake we were slain all the day long and accounted as sheep for the slaughter."

The Nazis went on to murder up to 200,000 people in the area during the course of the occupation. These consisted of Gypsies, Jews, Soviet Prisoners of Wars, the mentally ill. Basically anyone considered by Nazi logic, not worthy of life ended up dead in the Yar. When Soviet forces drew close to recapturing Kiev, the Germans employed that special unit called Sonderkommando 1005 also commanded by Blobel to remove every trace of their crimes. In Ukraine, Lithuania, Latvia, White Russia, Crimea...they were on the run. So much for the 1,000 year glorious Reich.

There isn't a lot more to say is there?

Just to cheer you up and end on a humorous note. Consider for a moment, does the moon actually exist?

http://www.revisionism.nl/The-Mad-Revisionist.htm

Thank you.

Peace.

CwA


-very timely. Try telling this to Iran's "president" Ahmadinejad...

P.S. Here's this great quote I've always loved, from "Fiddler On The Roof":

(Talking to God)
Tevye: I know, I know. We are your chosen people. But, once in a while,
can't you choose someone else?


(T)

September 27 - Knackered

Steve: You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox, Indie 1031. Five minutes after twelve bells. (Picks up guitar) Just arranging myself here…
Try my axe: (strums). Yes, in tune…try my harmonica: (blows a few notes) Yes, that works. My voice: (sings a few scales) La la la la la la la. La la la la la la la. La la la la la la la. Yes, that works too. Then look at me phone: Yes, got a couple of bars there. Got a couple of drinks (bottles clink together in background) right there. Ready to go. Just wasted two minutes explaining what’s going on here.

(big sigh) I’m absolutely knackered. I couldn’t be more knackered. Played football last night. Played the whole game, ninety minutes. We beat this team 4-1. I was running around like a lunatic. I had so much fun. Scored a goal, but I woke up this morning…I actually got up early cos I thought I was going to have a meeting with someone early, but it didn’t happen. So I couldn’t go back to bed and now I was just twiddling me thumbs for like, two hours and I have just absolutely zero energy. But I brought some energetic, what you might call, “rock and roll” today. Actually, Rhino have a good box set out right now. It’s all goth stuff, it’s pretty good. Comes in some good…comes in a leather corset, which I got rid of because it’s way too small for me. I don’t even think it would fit, um…what do they call them people who can’t eat? Anorexic. I don’t think it’d even fit one of them, it’s so tiny. Cos it just kind of covers the box set. But maybe it’d fit on a dog, like a greyhound. Probably fit on a greyhound, the corset. If anyone needs a corset for their greyhound, let me know. I have no use to it. (strums guitar) Oh, that sounds nice.
(sings some of “More Than A Feeling”)

I woke up this morning the sun was gone
La la my music and get my day
Dream of a girl I used to know
…eyes and she drift away

Steve: Aw, I wish I knew that bit that joined up with the chorus.

(singing again) More than a feeling…

Steve: No, let me change it:

I am knackered
And I can’t get no sleep right now
I’m so knackered
And I la la la la
I feel I need a nap right now…

Steve: Aw, I can’t even think straight. Got any ideas for songs, Shovel, or see what happens?

Mr. Shovel: You don’t have to do a song.

Steve: I know, but I like to push meself. What have I spoke about? Anything, anything significant?

Mr. Shovel: Just your basic “knackered”…

Steve: Okay, knackered. (starts out on harmonica) I can’t even blow the bleedin’ harmonica. (Struggles with harmonica slopping and snorting, until he stumbles upon an interesting sound) Ay, that sounds like a Rolf Harris thing! (continues)

Mr. Shovel: Didgeridoo.

(it sounds surprisingly like one)

Steve: Yeah.

(Steve starts a song and Mr. Shovel joins in with some Rolf Harris-like percussion)

I’m so knackered at twelve bells
I’m so knackered in ze evening
Why am I so knackered all the time
I need some crackeroon
to pick me up at noo-oo-oon

I’m so knackered all the time
I’m so knackered it’s so not my kind
In the evening
Oh I can’t even think, let me whistle again

(jumps back to the “didgeridoo” and by now Mr. Shovel has added that weird Rolf Harris panting sound as an accompaniment until the song ends, or rather, until it knackers out.)

September 26 - "Instrumental" (plus a bonus track!) "Beheaded"

Steve: You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox on Indie 1031. (tests out harmonica) I’m just getting a new…I said I’d try and change it up with a different harmonica. I think this one’s “D”. But I don’t know if I’ve got it in the holder right. I’ve got gas today, so be careful.

Mr. Shovel: It’s a little too late for that, don’t you think?

Steve: Huh? I haven’t farted on the air in a while.

Mr. Shovel: Yeah...about two minutes ago.

Steve: I just farted in Steele’s office (Indie Program Director Michael Steele). Nice. It just went on, on, on. It was one of them, it was one of them magma ones.

Mr. Shovel: I’m surprised you had anything left over for the one you just did in here.

Steve: (innocently) Oh, did I?

Mr. Shovel: (laughs)

Steve: Oh. No, I think there’s many more. Hold on a second. What’s going on, Shovel?

Mr. Shovel: We have tickets to Frampton to give away.

Steve: I heard Bush, kind of in the background, but Bush and some bloke from Afganistan was talking this morning for about twenty minutes, live. Do you know what that was about?

Mr. Shovel: No, but I’m sure it was not about anything that was actually happening.

Steve: Did you know that gas prices went down? You noticed?

Mr. Shovel: Um hm. A little bit.

Steve: I noticed that it cost twenty-six bucks to fill up my Prius. Normally it’s thirty. So that was good.

Mr. Shovel: By all means, you should shift your vote into the Republican column, then.

Steve: Oh, I know what I wanted…someone told me that Clinton ripped a new um, thing…bum-bum with that geezer on the Fox…did you see that?

Mr. Shovel: Um hm.

Steve: I wish I would have seen that. Was it, was it good?

Mr. Shovel: It was, but they just ended up making him look like a fool anyways, for being upset, “Oh, look at him. Look at him. Look at how upset he is”

Steve: Making who look like a fool?

Mr. Shovel: Clinton.

Steve: Really? I don’t think he come across like that, though. From what I…I didn’t see it, from what I…oh, well. You can’t win, can ya? Don’t matter what you do. (checks tuning on guitar) That’s sounds about…perfect. Just like the day it was made. Perfecto. (does a little la la warm up, blows into harmonica) What key is this in? Let me try and figure out. I’m into doing songs lately, I don’t know why. (blows harmonica) Oh, that ain’t right, is it? Oh, it’s “C”. (begins to play guitar and blow a tune on harmonica for a while, then stops) I don’t know what I’m singing, though. Got any ideas? Maybe I’ll just do instrumental. (continues to play)

(starts to sing)

Instrumental…(the "instrumental" has lyrics now. Mr. Shovel is heard laughing in the background)

Steve: (stops singing and playing) I can’t hear meself. What’s going on here? It’s all low and dodgy. Nothing’s happening. No echo or…the echo’s on strike or something? (starts song over)

Instrumental
Sentimental
Experimental
your life away

I am a test tube
Test tube, baby
Just finding my way
I like the sound of no words on this song

It’s better than words
They’re only words
and I like it
Yes I like it this way

Silence is golden
I’m going to send you to Coventry (?)
Did I mention that silence is golden
You’ve been sent
you’ve been sent to Coventry

I like it better with no words on this song
I like it better this way
I like it better with no words on this song
It’s more effective that way

Instrumental
Accidently
couldn’t write any words today
Instrumental
in the cathedral
of silence

It’s better off with no words on this song
I like it better this way
It’s much more fun
when you don’t have to
remember

I could never be in a play
with loads of lyrics
and cues and positions
and lights and action
and nervous stage fright

Instrumental...

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

From September 25th, a little medieval ditty by Sire

Be-headed


As I was walking through the village green
I saw bundles of hay
rolling down the cobblestones
I saw the huts were burning
And the men on their horses were waving their swords

I must run to the hills and get in the bushes
I must run and be a big coward
I’m not brave with swords
I leave it to the gruff men
I don’t want to be-headed

I saw some children get their arms cut off
And some women were getting ‘airy-aped
I think I knew one of the maidens
Better her than me

So I ran to the hills
cos I’m a coward
I don’t want them big grisly men
looking at me

I feel for the victims in the village
But you won’t find me
Because don’t want to be-headed
I want to see my head one more day
Where it should be on my shoulders
Looking out at thee

From September 25, 2006 Planes

It appears that we are in for another show from Jonesy's Bunker on Thursday the 28th. The band The Gossip will be the guest. Don't know a damn thing about 'em but they must be good in order to be deemed worthy.

~~~ ~~~ ~~~
Steve: You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox on Indie 1031. It’s three minutes after twelve bells. Nice, summery day. It was a gorgeous weekend, absolutely gorgeous. We had a game of football yesterday against this German mob. We lost 4-2. We were all bickering around in the first half cos we…were losing so we all started moaning at each other. We kind of pulled it together for the second half and came back and got two goals. If we had another ten minutes I think we could have equalized with them. I got a goal from a corner. I kicked from the corner and it went in. That’s how…

Mr. Shovel: You bent it like Beckham.

Steve: I did. Bent it like Jonesy. It’s good, it was.

Mr. Shovel: Bent, like Jonesy.

Steve: Yep. Bent. Buckled, like Jonesy. It was gorgeous, though. Laid out and got some sun yesterday. Am I sunburnt or brown?

Mr. Shovel: A little pinkish on top of the brown.

Steve: It will be brown tomorrow. (sings) Golden brown, tan is like a orange, doo dee doo…never a frown with golden brown. What else is happening? Peter Frampton tickets?

Mr. Shovel: Yeah.

Steve: He’s not coming on The Box, you know. I just found out. He’s coming in the day of the…day he’s playing so he ain’t got time to come on The Box, which is a shame. He was good last time. What else is happening? Nothing much, is there?

Mr. Shovel: Looks like you’re ready to throw down some heavy, heavy duty rock and roll.

Steve: Yeah, I’m going to rock it today. I’m going to rock it like I’ve never rocked it before. I’m going to rock it so hard, we’re going to go into the outer atmosphere. We’re going to rock. Rock it so hard I’m going to fall off the chair. The walls are going to shake. Um. Do you like flying, Shovel? You a fan of flying?

Mr. Shovel: Not really. You mean like, a commercial airliner?

Steve: Yeah.

Mr. Shovel: No. Not at all. I don’t know anybody who does enjoy it.

Steve: Yeah…I hate it.

Mr. Shovel: Why do you ask?

Steve: I dunno. I was thinking about it over the weekend. I was just lying down, looking up and seeing these planes like, taking off and thinking how unnatural it is. You know what I mean? Like, a car, you can handle the speed and stuff but like, if a plane’s going and a hole went in the plane, you’d be sucked out. It’d be all over with. It’s like an unnatural thing.

Mr. Shovel: What’re the odds of that happening? I only remember that happening like, once or twice.

Steve: I saw it once. This plane from Hawaii. The whole roof came off. They were all sitting there. Thank God they were strapped…some of ‘em…I think someone…one of the stewardess ladies who didn’t have a thing on went flying out the roof with it. Can you imagine that? Flying along there and all of a sudden the roof comes off. God, never fly again if I was on that plane. I don’t want to fly again, anyway.

Mr. Shovel: I think it’s an irrational fear because you know, you’re just…as many weird things can happen when you’re driving a car.

Steve: I know, I know. But can you imagine being on the one plane that says, “Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. We have some bad news. We’re going to plummet into the ground, smash right into the Earth. We have two minutes before this happens.” Can you imagine that? Them two minutes?

Mr. Shovel: Yeah, that wouldn’t be very…

Steve: It wouldn’t be fun, would it? What you gonna do in them two minutes? Not much you could do. And the other thing I don’t like about flying, especially when you go on long flights and you sit next to some bloke and he’s like a carpet salesman and he tells you his life story.

Mr. Shovel: Well, you just close your eyes and act like you’re sleeping.

Steve: Yeah? But then, you do get a little talkative when you’re up there for some reason. Something happens when you’re up there, all them many miles above the Earth. You actually do start talking to complete strangers. That’s why they have them magazines with all that junk in it? Sharper Image junk, you know. “Buy this bleedin’ tease, mate cos it’s what you need right now.” And you find yourself almost wanting to buy that stuff. There’s something about being up in the atmosphere that you are a bit susceptible to being a bit silly.

Mr. Shovel: Yeah, but how you gonna buy it?

Steve: Well, you order it, don’t you?

Mr. Shovel: Have you ever ordered anything while you’re flying?

Steve: I don’t order anything when I’m on the ground, mate. Cash is king.
But the worst is when you talk to the carpet salesman or the door-to-door guy. Or the car salesman and he’s telling about his life and he’s knocking back the little shots in them…you know, five hours into it he’s like telling you his deepest secrets, how he really wears women’s panties when he’s at home with his missus and his missus don’t know. And then the plane lands and then that’s it. You don’t even say goodbye. It’s like on a movie set where everyone’s friendly and the movie ends and that’s the end.

Maybe you’d get people to talk more like, if you want to get more out of like, bad people to make ‘em talk. Take ‘em up in a plane and say, “If you don’t talk, I’m going to sling you out of this plane”. Maybe they’ll do it a little bit easier than if they was in a cell, prison cell…you know?

Mr. Shovel: Maybe people talk cos they’re nervous.

Steve: Yeah, that could be it. That could be it. (starts to play his guitar) Am I on? Should I sing a song? (laughs) What should I sing a song about?

Mr. Shovel: I think it’ll have something to do with airplanes.

Steve: Yeah, okay. Let’s see if me old harp works. Gotta get some different harps cos I can only play in A (with the one he’s been using).

(sings)

Airplanes
I don’t like to fly the friendly skies at night
They give me the willies them little capsules
flying in mid-air it’s not right
No it’s not it’s not right
it’s not meant to be

Flying is for fools and silly jackabites and jack’napes
I like it when my two feet are on the ground
and not a million miles in the air
I like it when I’m in the driving seat
not with some bloke who’s had a drink
and he flies the plane

Flying is not my style
I don’t like jet planes or propeller ones
But I wouldn’t say no to a G5
if it was my own one
with no other people in it
making a mess in my G5


I wish I was mates with Bill Gates
We’d be flying high in his G5
I wish that I was mates with Bill Gates
We’d be flying around the world
in his G5

They have better mechanics on their private ones
Not like the ones on
American or United or Pan Am or TWA
I like it when the mechanic is working on my G5
he really does a thorough job

Better than the ones who are used every day
There’s more chance that you will plummet
into the ground with a load of strangers
Talking about their lives
to carpet salesmen

I’m not interested in your carpets
or your wives or your mistresses you jackabites
Carpet salesman on the plane sitting next to me
You imbecile you can take your carpets
and shove ‘em

If your carpets are so good
Why don’t you fly on one

~~~ ~~ ~~~

(BTW - yeah, "Jacobite" is the original spelling of the word, but I believe our host likes the word for what is sounds like, so I spells it "jackabite". - T)
~~~ ~~~ ~~~

I owe you a post

Some of you may have noticed that CWA has not been here, some of you may not. I don't know. I don't care at the moment. Anyway I'm back from the land of old computers, mustard, strange rural accents, turkeys, Crosses of St. George. And have I got a treat for you! A little Norfolk post. Or poost.

This is the Alternative, a shrine to Steve Jones and Mark Shovel and Jonesy's Jukebox. This is the transcriptorium where my very good friend Floratina, gets down the best bits of Jonesy for you to enjoy and savour again. Sometimes I do too. That's it, that's what we do.

Then again, sometimes I come up with a rant or an observation which has nothing to do with Steve, the box. or Indie 103.1. That's where the eclecticism comes in.

I see from Steve's page on myspace that he's got spots on his dick, dun't he knew that he can get some sorta pills for that? Broad Norfolk - a flat county within easy reach of the Himalayas.

That's enough of that. Or is it?

Awfully busy at the moment chums but thought I'd share blog-style some memories.

I'm back and got in last night after a month's sojourn.

Left Norwich at 11.40 Friday Morning.

Back in Wigtown 04.30 Saturday morning

Snore.

Yes there's more from the fevered keyboard of the CwA. Never you fear. I have not abandoned everything. It is good to be back but I didn't much feel like blogging in that stupid cyber cafe, whilst I was down South. I got in and got out.

Why did I go - do you care?

Oh well I'll tell you anyway.

A friend of mine bought 10 acres of forest in Kent so we went down to this party. That was a good time, camp fire style with guitars and whisky and BEER much beer. We lost our tent, well I did being rather drunk, my better half navigated it back into existence. Kent is nice, think "Darling Buds of May" and a stand-off between the police and New Age Travellers in a field and you will get the picture. Maybe...

Also parents manged a 50th Golden Wedding Anniversary and so I felt that I ought to get up there to Norfolk and be with them. Congrats to them!

Their 50th was all very jolly and many burgers and traditional English barbecue type grub was consumed.

Then my Aunt died...

When we were young yes I guess we were all close, we all lived in the same little village called Hopton-on-Sea with my grandmother. It's on the Norfolk coast. We were between Royal Air Force postings etc. Everybody was always visiting everyone in them days. So many Aunts, cousins, uncles. My mum only has only the one sibling left now. All the other 4 including her twin have gone. She was too ill to go, so I went with Paul - my nephew - my brother and my Dad. Got kitted out in a thrift shop,black tie and jacket. Service was mercifully brief, no fuss despatch. I'm glad I went. Now the fact is that the only time you or one sees your extended family is at dreary ocassions such as funerals. That's that, no fighting. No, "he was always a miserable bastard and he owed me for the piano, the little bleeder." type outbursts. We just aint that kind of family. Fishermen, brick makers, trawlers, labourers, we are that kind of a family.

I notice that my pa(w) has taken to wearing two wrist watches. Is this a sign of the onset of loopiness in his old age, or an awareness of mortality?

I had to laugh at Chispa's "I'm a Sex Pistol man" t-shirt, I want one! Check myspace. It is excellent as Steve would say.

I am going to have a good read of the blog when this all over but for now we have our second book town festival of the year, this is the one with the celebs. Not xactly A liners but all literary types none the less. After that Wigtown will go back to being sleepy toon again. Oh ho, I've just been handed a glass of whisky. I feel spaced after all that coach journey. It didn't help when I got off the coach and the taxi wasn't there to whisk me back to the byre either. On arrival the local youth were busy throwing glass bottles in the street for their fun. I felt like shit on a stick. When the taxi did show up, I was sitting in the back when I suddenly felt like my arsehole was blazing. First thought, "my phone (cell phone) has caught fire, next I've been administering chilli enemas to myself again. Nah it was back seat heating. I asked the driver what was the story and he reckoned that someone had been playing with the controls, why couldn't these hooligans leave things alone. etc. Then he said that he had a woman in the back last week and she had leant forward and informed him politely that her "fanny was on fire." Fanny in this case is not your heinie, or ass but er well what else lies between a woman's legs. Yes. Say no more.

I had some of those pot noodles when I was down South and some pie and peas too, oh yes. I was toying with the idea of taking a few snaps of this delicious nourishing alternative to nothing - with my digi cam - but felt that they might think I was a bit weird to get my camera out on the Norwich market pea stall and be snapping away. I restrained myself.

Seemed to produce an effect wearing bright red seditionary copy BOY bondage trousers and a GSTQ t-shirt - pin queen - all these drunks kept coming up to me and saying "hello," offering me slugs of Superlager, fights etc. All the crack whores smiling away, as they staggered back to their dens. Old England IS dying. These bone head skinhead Inger-land fan types were having a good glare too. Classic stand-off arms crossed. LOL. Fact is this was the clothing I wore in Kent for the stand-off with the police but as Ingerland was having a mini heatwave that stuff was the coolest thing, what not to wear. It was either that or black trousers.

I can't help feeling that it is rather sad to be wandering about in your hometown in such attire some 30 years or after the event, with a nice receeding hairline and a big bald patch on your barnet but I aren't one of these types who as soon as they notice that they are losing their locks, reaches for the Remington microscreen...yet. Please advise. It ain't cos of the Brylcreem either.

Clothes for heroes?

"God Save the Queen?"

"What do you want to save her for?"

That was the best quote.

Tina will be back soon, I'm going off to sleep.

CwA

From September 21, 2006 Deer

Steve: You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox on Indie 1031. It is three and a half minutes after twelve bells. Was there a fire somewhere? I went hiking last night, like around four, five…and there was just smoke…

Mr. Shovel: Yeah, there’s a fire in I think, Los Padres.

Steve: Where’s that?

Mr. Shovel: Don’t know. But that’s where it is.

Steve: It looked like it was like, West…out near Calabasas or Malibu or somewhere. It looked like it was coming from there.

Mr. Shovel: It’s that time of year.

Steve: It is, it’s very dry out. Very dry. It’s the first day of Fall, Saturday you know, Mr. Shovel.

Mr. Shovel: Yeah. The Vernal Equinox.

Steve: Does that mean it’s all like, downhill from that day ‘til the next six months?

Mr. Shovel: Yeah. It’s gonna only be in the seventies. All winter.

Steve: Oh, I can’t think of anything to talk about. What’s going on? Is there any…? You know when you walk, when you exercise, your brain thinks more and I think of things. I need to take a pen and paper cos I have ideas but by the time I get home and my heart rate’s gone down, I forgot the ideas I had.

Mr. Shovel: Take a little Mp3 recorder.

Steve: Yeah. That’s what I want to do when I go hiking. But yeah. Thanks for the thought. Maybe I just need to get my phone, learn how to use the tape recorder on that.

Mr. Shovel: Hey, that’s a good idea.

Steve: Yes. Oh, it’s Megan’s birthday today. Megan who works for Indie. Happy Birthday, darling. Congratulations.

Mr. Shovel: Fires are near Ojai, by the way. So there you go.

Steve: Oh, so I was right. It was up there, up that way. Any fatalities? Does it say any fatalities?

Mr. Shovel: Wildlife.

Steve: Ohhh. I saw three deer last night. I think they eat all the grass, all the ivy outside my house. I asked me gardener, I said, “Where’s all the ivy gone?” He says, “That’s deer eating it”. Funny, innit? They’re making a right mess of it, but I kind of don’t mind it cos it’s going…I like the fact that deer come to my house and eat my ivy. And they’re not eating anyone else’s cos I think they have different kinds of ivy and they’re probably not, don’t find tasty. I like deer. Quiet animals. They don’t bark. I like any animal that don’t bark. Should I do a song?

Mr. Shovel: I’d go with the deer.

Steve: Deer’s a safe bet, actually.

Mr. Shovel: But they don’t get the poison ivy that you get.

Steve: I didn’t say it was poison ivy.

Mr. Shovel: Well, you get poison ivy from your yard.

Steve: Out the back. Maybe they do. Maybe they do. Maybe they don’t get it though. Maybe they’re immune to it, I don’t know. Cos they’ve been living in scrubbery rubbery for hundreds of thousands of years. So maybe they’re just all immune to it, I don’t know.

(Steve sings)

Deers oh oh deers
They’re quiet nice animals
They don’t make no noise
Not like the dogs in my neighborhood
The ones that don’t get no exercise all day
Because their owners don’t care anyway
The poor old dogs are losing their mind
That’s why they bark all day

Deers I like their droppings
They have little droppings
Why can’t everybody have droppings like deers
They’re the best droppings in the world
Deers have the best droppings ever
They drop the droppings very nice deers

They can eat all of my ivy
I don’t care cos I like the deers
Deers are good and they run in packs
There’s always families of deers


Oh dear
Oh oh deers
They have four legs
And have big ears
Them goddamn deers
I love them so

They have nice furry coats
And big eyes
The ears hear every little noise
I like deers

Deer

From September 20 - Debris

Steve: You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox on Indie 1031. It’s four minutes after twelve bells comin’ up to four minutes, by the clock in here. It’s about seventy-five degrees. Nice. A bit hazy, sure it’ll be warmer…one more wallop before the real wintery kind of vibe kicks in. I had a good game of football last night, we won 5-4. I scored two goals, ‘bout time I scored a couple. Frustrating game. It was 4-1 at half time and they came back to 4-all. Couldn’t believe it. But we got a final goal from a free kick near the end so that was great. There’s a big ole article in the Chelsea magazine, the official Chelsea magazine, the October issue, there’s a big article with yours truly in it from when I did an interview in the station here after the show when the Chelsea lads were here couple of months ago. There’s some cool pictures in there.

Mr. Shovel: Really good pictures.

Steve: There’s a funny one with the classic Pistol photograph. They put John Terry and Lampard and Cudicini and Joe Cole on the heads of the Pistols. It looks pretty good. I’d like get that, put it on MySpace. I removed a bunch of people from Myspace actually the other day. I didn’t realize that the spies that I have, looking to find out if I’m not in their Top 8, they can’t check the ones that are blocked. You know the ones, they block their…you know, you can’t look at their profile?

Mr. Shovel: Unless you’re their friend.

Steve: Yeah. Which, obviously I didn’t put two-and-two together but the people who are checking can’t check them so I said, “Send me the heads of the ones who have the blocked things” and sure enough, there was about fifteen that were hiding in there without me in their top eight. I had to remove ‘em.

Mr. Shovel: That means they used to be your friend and they opted to get rid of you.

Steve: Yeah. So they’re gone.

Mr. Shovel: Yeah. Well, you’re gone from them.

Steve: No, I wasn’t gone from them. I wasn’t in their Top 8. Don’t you understand?

Mr. Shovel: Right, because you weren’t even in their top anything.

Steve: I was at one point. Don’t you understand?

Mr. Shovel: (laughing) Yes.

Steve: Gonna play some pimp today. A lot of pimp. I’m in the mood for some stuff. I’m not gonna do the voice and I don’t want to hear the same old soundbites for it. I’m just gonna play the music. Anything else happening today, Shovel?

Mr. Shovel: Piece of garbage floating around the space shuttle, that’s about it.

Steve: Oh, there is?

Mr. Shovel: Yeah.

Steve: Whatcha mean? There’s a space shuttle up there?

Mr. Shovel: Yeah, they got some garbage floating around. Made a big deal out of it.

Steve: What, and it hit the space shuttle?

Mr. Shovel: No, it’s just out there. They were worried about it.

Steve: Maybe it’s a dead person, got shot into space.

Mr. Shovel: That’s what I was thinking. I didn’t want to say it.

Steve:

There’s a dead person

Floating around in space

I wonder who that person is

Maybe he was on myspace

Now he is removed because

He tried to sneak around

Without being in my Top 8

Now you’re too late

I put him in the cannon

Fired him up into the atmosphere

I left his clothes on

But I think they disintegrated up there

So he is knackered

You poor old sod

You should have left me in

Your Top 8

You’re out in space

Just a piece of garbage

Hitting space shuttles

And all them other things that do technology

What are them things called? Satellites.

You imbecile

Don’t defy the Pontiff

Or you will be removed

Removed

If you want to be my friend

Don’t just come and have a butcher’s

And then leave

Oh whoa

What’s it like up in space

I’d like to know

Is it dark looking

Back at the earth

Is it a happy place

It must look quite happy from up there

But soon as you get closer to it

You realize there’s a lot of hate down here

And a lot of wrong stuff goin on

Oh oh

It looks kind of blue

With some puffy clouds

And some green

Don’t let the blue move over to the green

Or we will drown

Please watch your emissions

And your fossils

Fossil fuel

The gas prices have come down

To make everybody feel happy

Oh oh oh

But you know it’s only temporary

Then they’ll have another jab

In a month or two

Oh oh oh oh

I wish I was a piece of garbage

Floating around in outer space

At least you don’t have to eat up there

Or sleep up there

You can’t do much but masterbate

In outer space

I heard it’s a better orgasm

When you’re in the outer atmosphere

Oh oh oh

I gotta remember to bring my Astroglide

The next time I ride in the cannon

Oh oh oh

Oh oh oh

A bit of September 19

I know I should have more, but I was goofing off last night when I should have been transcribing. (T)

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Steve: You’re listening to Jonesy’s Jukebox on Indie 1031. It’s five after…no it’s not. It’s coming up to four after twelve bells. It’s nice and warm, a little bit smoggy. I felt me eyes burning a little bit, driving here this morning, because I do have sensitive eyes and ears. Just highly evolved hearing and sight and you know, sound. Anything. I pick up things a lot more than most people, before they do because I’m highly sensitive, in-tuned human specimen. Way more than regular people…so I can feel me eyes burning, a little bit. But it’s okay. Got John Cameron Mitchell coming in later on. If you don’t know who he was, he’s the…(correcting himself) who he is, he’s the bloke who was, I think he wrote, and starred in “Hedwig” in the movie and he started off with the play in New York and he’s got a new movie out. So he’s going to be coming on. That’s going to be fun. I’m looking forward to that. What else is happening Shovel? Anything? How’s the spinach going?


Mr. Shovel: Ah, I don’t know. I don’t pay attention to the spinach story.

Steve: The ibola, iola, ibola…


Mr. Shovel: e boli…

Steve: What is that, is that that thing that people were dying of in Africa and they bleed to death?

Mr. Shovel: Nah, that’s e coli.

Steve: Oh.

Mr. Shovel: No, wait. That’s e boli. E coli is the one that comes out of cow poop.

Steve: So it’s similar to…you die like that? You kind of internally…

Mr. Shovel: No, it’s not the same at all.

Steve: Why is it’s name so familiar? Coli, oli…eli…mo-my. I’ve got a case of spinach poop. What can you do for me doctor? Can you remove this for me? My spinach has poo poo on it and I’m getting very sick.

Mr. Shovel: We have Scissors Sister tickets to give away.

Steve: Oh, rully?

Mr. Shovel: Yeah.

Steve: (funny voice ) How many pairs we have there, Mr. Shovel?

Mr. Shovel: Two pairs.

Steve: (gibberish) Spinach.

Mr. Shovel: Yeah, you don’t want to put cow manure on that.

Steve: What? I always sprinkle it on when I have my spinach. I find it most delicious. I don’t know what’s the problem. Ee oli, bo holi. (sings) Macca hula hai…what should I sing this song about?

Mr. Shovel: Well, being that you’re so sensitive and everything, I’m surprised that you can get away with that.

Steve: Well, I can also reverse it to things that, when I want my immune system to not deal with things, I can turn it the other way. Fight off anything, as well. When most fall to the ground, I’ll be walking…over ‘em.

Mr. Shovel: Cos you’re highly evolved.

Steve: Yes. My brain is the size of a Neanderthal.

Mr. Shovel: You’ve become immune to cow poo.

Steve: That, too…it’s only you know…cow dung, I think, is the…what we call in the trade as the real name. There’s poo, cow dung.

Mr. Shovel: Cow pies...

Steve: Cow pies and macaroni cheese and cow pies. You can’t beat a good cowpie. From Cal Worthington and his dog Spot. (sings) If you wanna buy a car, go cowpie. If you wanna buy cowpie go see Cal. If you wanna go piecal, cal put in your hole and…

Mr. Shovel: Whoa!

Steve: HEY LAYdee.

What should I sing a song about? Got any ideas?

Mr. Shovel: I’m not touching that…

Steve: Well, I wouldn’t expect you to. Not without gloves on.

From September 18 - Spinach

Steve: What’s all this going on with the spinach, can’t eat any spinach?

Mr. Shovel: I don’t know. I don’t eat it anyway. I don’t care.

Steve: What’s Popeye gonna do?

Mr. Shovel: Popeye’s dead.

Steve: Yeah, cos of eating that bleedin’ spinach. Probably killed him. You can’t eat any spinach? Is all of it…bad or something? What’s going on.

Mr. Shovel: They don’t know so they’re just saying, “Stay away from it”.

Steve: It’s another conspiracy?

Mr. Shovel: It’s a fear thing, Steve. It’s a fear thing.

Steve: A conspiracy, right? Another Y2K. “Don’t eat spinach. You’ll die”. Are the spraying it with something? Nah, I don’t know. I like spinach, though.

Mr. Shovel: We have Scissor Sister tickets to give away.

Steve: Really. How many we got there?

Mr. Shovel: Two pairs.

Steve: Two pairs, okay. Um, what should I sing a song about?

Mr. Shovel: Spinach.

Steve: Spinach? Let me see if me harmonica works. (tests it out) Okay. You want a song about spinach? You got it.



Spinach
You must stay away
Come back another day
When it’s safe to say
you can eat the spinach



Greens
You must eat your greens
There’s plenty more than spinach
Yes there is much more than spinach
Yes there is
like

Broccoli
is here to stay

There’s nothing wrong with broccoli
Not today anyway

Maybe tomorrow

The pesticides will reside
In the little bits of broccoli

That will make you fear up from eating it

There is lettuce
Sometimes (when) you eat it
there’s little maggots inside it
But I tell the waiter
Mister, I didn’t order maggots

I ordered a nice big salad
A lovely mixed salad with baby greens
and artichokes and tomatoes
and celery and all kinds of
goody-goody-woody-goody-goodies

With some sesame
Sesame dressing
Yes I love my greens

I would eat the spinach
if there was any around
I want to die
I Russian-roulette
with my spinach

I heard the Navy Seals have a stash
Somewhere up in Fort Knox-e-o
Down in Albuquerque
there’s a truckload of Spinach

I wish I could get my hands on
I would spray it to L.A.
Get a plane and sprinkle it

Los Angeles
hey free spinach
But I know no one would eat it
cos they’re feared-up to the eyeballs

Ya poor old spinach
It’s good enough for Popeye
If it’s good enough for Popeye
it’s good enough for me hee hee hee

Poor old spinach

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

http://www.mtcnet.net/~bierly/popcartoons.htm for more Popeye

Last bit of Worm stuff

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Steve: We were talking in the commercials about other ways to go, where to go when you’re dead. Mr. Shovel mentioned, I actually heard about this as well, you can be shot into space. I think it’s not cheap, but you actually…do you go into space?

Mr. Shovel: I don’t know. But unless you keep going, I wouldn’t want to do it because eventually going to fall back down if you’re just circling around. But if you keep going, that’s pretty cool.

Steve: But what…why would you fall back down if you’re in the outer atmosphere?

Mr. Shovel: Cos that happens to everything. Every satellite eventually is going to fall back down.

Steve: Really.

Mr. Shovel: Mm hmm.

Steve: How long?

Mr. Shovel: I don’t know. Twenty years? I don’t know.

Steve: But if you could…put you like, in a black hole, shoot you into the black hole, then maybe you just circle and circle until they get so advanced…

Mr. Shovel: You’d come out like a piece of spaghetti, though.

Steve: No. Can you imagine if you circle for like, two hundred years, this place, Earth…we’ve all killed each other. Then you find some other planet, you kind of stumble across it and they find you and bring you back to life. Can you imagine?

Mr. Shovel: I think I’d be cool.

Steve: (goofy accent) Can you imagine the possibilities?

Mr. Shovel: It sounds like you’ve been smoking pot.

Steve: No. I’m not. Nope.

Mr. Shovel: You could keep going for a million years and run into another planet and they would find you and they would think we all look like you.

Steve: Yeah. They’d think, “Wow. What an amazing specie. The finest specie we’ve ever seen, anywhere, in the whole Universe. He must have been a superior one. The other ones couldn’t have been this highly evolved.” That’s what they would say – with their minds. They wouldn’t actually say speak to each other, they’d be saying it through their minds, though. You know what I mean? Telepathic. (pause) So you were saying, why don’t everyone, why don’t they shoot everyone into space?

Mr. Shovel: Yeah, why not? Let’s do it.

Steve: Yeah? I think it’s expensive. But some people spend like, millions on a bleedin’…like elaborate, what do you call ‘em? In the ground?

Mr. Shovel: Casket.

Steve: Yes and they build like a whole…

Mr. Shovel: I figure if you put like a whole bunch of you know, pods of people, thousand, ten thousand, boom…one shot, that would be worth their while.

Steve: Yeah.

Mr. Shovel: Then we could colonize another planet with our DNA.

Steve: Hey you know what, that ain’t a bad idea. You’re in the wrong business, Shovel.

Mr. Shovel: I know. That I know, too.

Steve: You should be working for some government somewhere. Some agency.

Mr. Shovel: How do you know I’m not?

Steve: Oh, I know. I know you. Let’s play…two for Tuesday. From Motorhead. And this song is called, “Kingdom Of The Worm”…